I ordered MWD's book (it arrives tomorrow). I wish it was an eBook for ease of "stealth" reading but I'll manage.
On the BD she mentioned that I need someone who would love and adore me the way I deserve, and she's not the one (and hasn't been for years). So I've been thinking, "Yes, that's right, I do!" and I'm no longer sure I want to save the marriage. For better or worse, this is a freeing thought for me, and I've been getting excited about imaging my new life of freedom. It allows me to be much more relaxed about the prospect of us separating.
A YouTube psychologist I watched said "every relationship has an adored and an adorer, and it's better for the woman to be the adorer". I don't know if it's valid but I've definitely been the "adorer" in this one.
She's clearly very confused with all her thoughts. She mentioned she would love to seek out some new male friends (but "she's not interested in going on dates"). It sounds like she wants to "sew her wild oats" again to me.
We were guest-speakers at a college class the other day to talk about our experiences (and any struggles) as an interracial couple raising kids. Nobody would have a clue there was any issue between us. I did learn more about the extreme pain she's been feeling the last few years about the rise of open racism in America and how it infiltrated the church we've been active members of for years (she quit that months ago). I'm sure this is part of her current emotional crisis, contributing to our split.
She wants to feel deep, loving passion for people, and as I mentioned, she hasn't felt that way about me for years.
She's still a beautiful, sexy woman who loves to dress sharp and get attention from other men. It was obvious to me but she mentioned it to me last night. She's pretty confident she won't have any trouble pulling guys if she wants. She certainly hasn't been starving from that kind of attention from me; I've always told her how great she looks.
She also got excited about the prospect of a family snowboarding trip (yes including me), just like we did a couple years ago. So she wants to feel like she's still part of our family unit.
I'm scared about the financial implications of our split, since I don't yet know how that works in a divorce. We're in our early 60s. I've been working on an income stream that would allow us to retire, along with Social Security and our retirement accounts. My salary is in the low-six-figures and have been grinding at corporate jobs our entire marriage, supporting our family. She has a part-time job that earns about 1/4 of mine. Our expenditures have definitely been biased toward her wants and dreams over the years. I understand and am OK with the fact we'll split all assets (we're in a community property state). I want her to be comfortable of course but will I be forced to delay retirement and keep working just to pay her an alimony? I need to learn this part.
