My own experience with the suddenness and shock of my W’s bomb drop was quite incredulous. Three hours! The start was at the end of a wonderful Thanksgiving meal after a day of games, family time, holding hands, and sitting close together. W then stands and makes a grand announcement to the bewilderment of our four kids, son’s GF, and my parents. “DnJ, you get the house, the cars, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.”
Complete pandemonium ensues.
W justifies her leaving and cheating by blaming me for such wildly petty things. The furnace vent blows cold air on her; my work vehicle burns too much gas and she’s trying to save the planet (my personal car is a Prius ); and so on.
W tells us she is seeing someone too. I ask who. It’s the guy who sells and delivers eggs to us, our neighbour!
My Dad is angry. Son’s GF is mad. Youngest son is furious. My eldest son experiences breathing problems. My second son, daughter, and Mom are all stunned. I was lost! I was in utter shock. Total disbelief, in all the sense and meaning of the word. None of us saw this coming.
Anyhow, kids and I beg and plead and talk, all to no avail. Three hours from the pumpkin pie, W’s exodus is complete. She walks down our 1400 foot driveway to OM’s waiting truck. Three hours, and W disappears, consumed by the darkness.
That, was six years ago.
Originally Posted by dleague
Lawyer I spoke to today suggested I move quick since she is agreeing to lower spousal support and we are in agreement on everything. He said she may change her mind and want more if you hold out on her and not give her this.
Yes, sometimes in an effort to assuage their guilt, the leaving spouse offers a better deal. And yes, often the pressure to offer that better deal fades.
Originally Posted by dleague
I don't want to get her upset and pay more money in the end if she isn't even wanting to try to make this work. Which she shows no signs of even wanting.
Don’t take action or inaction just to try to not upset her. That’s fear controlling you. Figure out what’s best for you and your kids, and do it.
Originally Posted by dleague
She has been civil and still talks to me about stuff. But she isn't interested in talking about us. I haven't brought it up in days. She lives in the basement as of last night. All her stuff is out of the master bedroom.
Good. No R-talks. Focus on you.
Originally Posted by dleague
So should I just go ahead with the dissolution at this point?
If you need financial security or protection, get it!
Originally Posted by dleague
Or should I drag it a little bit and maybe stick with the 180 & Dim/dark? Just not even sure.
You can do both. You do realize that, right? You can separate and still DB. You are on two paths:
When dealing with the business side, keep it business.
And when on the healing/wholeness journey, be better not bitter. Understanding, compassion, empathy, acceptance, forgiveness, and such.
Originally Posted by dleague
What I don't know if this will backfire or if its doing everything I should be doing.
Originally Posted by dleague
I dunno anymore what to do.
Originally Posted by dleague
So does it make sense to go ahead with the dissolution she wants and is pushing for? or do I try to hang and drag this out some to see if any DB methods work?
Breathe dl. Just breathe.
From someone further down the road: DB methods work!
I can’t guarantee your marriage will be saved by DB, however I can guarantee you will be. A marriage, a restoration, a reconciliation, takes two committed people. At the moment there is only you. And you can only control you. So, commit to DB. Do all you can. No matter the outcome, you will know you did all you could to save your marriage.
I’ve been there man. Been lost and with so many questions. Not a clue what to do, or how I’d go on. My W pushed hard for a divorce. She threw her own children away, she was a woman possessed. She crafted a separation agreement which her lawyer sent me.
The business side.
What I did. Listen to my lawyer. Listened to my most trusted friend. I knew I was not firing on all cylinders. I was deeply hurt. And in shock. I listened to my most trusted advisors. (I’d not even found this place at this point.)
Deep down, I knew I needed to sign the agreement. I and my kids needed the security and protection. I signed.
I also committed myself to my healing/wholeness journey.
Today, six years later, my XW is still way down the rabbit hole. Still running. She’s a lost soul.
Today, my kids and I are doing awesome!
DB absolutely works!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
); and so on.
