Bad day today. W called in the middle of work to let me know she wants to move forward with D. I indicated that I would be happy to talk when we are home tonight and could not at that point in time (I was leading a 30-person meeting in 15 minutes and felt like I had to enforce a boundary we'd previously discussed - hope that aligns with DB practice - I think so). From my perspective, W's anxiety gets the better of her, and she has to relieve it by doing what she wants when she is hitting maximum density (calling me at work to ONLY tell me about moving forward with the D when we were sitting next to each other on the couch all night, had this morning before work, and have tonight after work). Though I feel better prepared and composed than 4-5 years ago when D first came up, it still rattled my day. W says she can't continue to "live like this". She is ruminating over 1) decisions I recall us making together to not have more kids - apparently that is all on me now, 2) how my mother treats her sometimes (obnoxious but my therapist says from the examples these are normal tensions between them) 3) chores (I've long offered to get all the chores down to make sure we feel the work is fair or even that I shoulder a bit more because her anxiety can overwhelm her in that space too) and 4) money to which I've said for the last 10 years I'd be fine moving from "splitters" to "poolers". W avoids follow-up conversations on these topics and, while I gently try to nudge them along at her pace, my opinion is she really wants to continue seeing things solely in a negative light. If anyone has any helpful advice, support, etc. for my talk with W later tonight, I'd love to hear it and am grateful for you all.
