Leading someone on making them believe you are emotionally available to satisfy your low self esteem is unhealthy for both parties.
Originally Posted by Terapin
I guess it's ideal to wait months or even years to work on yourself, get over the last relationship, etc, and then consider dating someone. But I don't always think that's realistic either.
Why is waiting a year to work on yourself and really understand the part you played in the divorce unrealistic?
Hey T and community, believe me all of this goes through my mind. And my mind plays tricks on me at times. Pretty unreliable as a guide unhinged. There are influences on my mind that I need to guard.
There was a post about the grief recovery group (maybe from Card) and to beware of replacing. I am heeding that advice.
I am NOWHERE near perfect nor do I have this figured out but let’s gain some perspective from the vets here.
IF your favorite candy is "black licorice" and that is the only candy you have ever eaten, then you run out.....you should try at least 10 different kinds of candy before you declare what your new favorite is.
Just my two cents.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Right R2C! So let’s say for example, I am wanting to change up my life be healthy in community and strengthen my stock as a man.
Well I can GAL, be social take some risks and develop my personality. I can decide if and when I am ready to date (I’m not there now btw). But socializing, community and friendships are what I need right now. Yes my mind, body and biology can scream that I need a gf or a ons, but those aren’t needs.
A rebound relationship is a poor choice. The reason is right there in the description - rebound. Why is it not just called a relationship? Because one is rebounding, engaging in another relationship before they’ve healed. They are using this infatuation to fill the unhealed holes in themselves from their previous partner’s leaving. Break up, dumping, death, it makes no difference if the partner left by their volition or otherwise, they left and you are wounded.
Consider, would you want to be the object of a rebound from someone?
Treat people as you want to be treated.
People will treat you as you allow them.
Quote
I guess it's ideal to wait months or even years to work on yourself, get over the last relationship, etc, and then consider dating someone. But I don't always think that's realistic either.
I agree with the statement of the ideal. Yes, heal first. Then date.
Why is that not realistic? Why is that not attainable?
Good relationship are build upon respect and trust. Feelings of like, desire, infatuation, and such are all real, yet not the foundational substance of a long lasting relationship. Certainly, in the incipient stage of a relationship these feelings are useful attractors. As time progresses and dating continues one sees and learns the other person; finds respect, trustworthiness, and capability, or not.
Another of the troubles of rebounding is one’s detector is off kilter. Like during indifference, feelings will loom larger than they really are when contrasted against the void of once what was so prevalent.
One only controls three things. Your thoughts, your actions, and your reactions.
Decisions made based upon emotions usually lead to regrets.
Consider, you are a leader. You exhibit your behaviour to friends, family, kids, and so on. Would you follow you? Are you a person you yourself would follow? If not, why not?
We all know how fast things can, and do, go awry in life. None of us need look further than what brought us here for proof of that. If you’re not right with yourself, if you’re not on the right side of your deeply held convictions, get there. Once you are, things aren’t a rebound.
The gift of time. Use it wisely.
The first and most important relationship in your life is with yourself.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
A rebound relationship is a poor choice...Because one is rebounding, engaging in another relationship before they’ve healed.
Also, the more you address your own issues before entering into new relationships, the higher quality person you will attract into your life.
You can obviously see all the flaws in your spouse who is leaving.....you have the same number, just different. You are both mirrors to help address your own set of issues.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
House is officially on the market. Aside from the night we told our son, this may be the hardest part. Remembering back to how happy and excited we were 8 years ago when we bought this house. Ugh.
Even reading the listing, the realtor wrote 'absolutely stunning house in an elite neighborhood'. It still boggles my mind how someone could give that up in favor of a 1 bedroom apartment. How someone could give up safety and security for chaos. A loving spouse to 'play the field'. And most importantly, seeing their only child every day to essentially 6 months a year.
Somebody needs to do an in depth psychological study or something to really understand this mentality.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Somebody needs to do an in depth psychological study or something to really understand this mentality.
A lot of good studies out there on how marriages have changed due to women being able to provide for themselves and no longer willing to stay in marriages where the passion and desire are gone. You can either complain about it or do the work to make sure it never happens to you again. R2C has some good advice in that area.
