I agree with your counsellor. There is no need for you to rush into signing any agreements. W, obviously has some speedy agenda, and is even trying to coerce you into signing. (Weaponizing sex .) Be very wary! Get a lawyer.
Yea nervous on this one. She is pushing things full steam ahead. We already agreed on everything even the spousal support that I would owe her. I fear that if I hold off on signing she will get some of the proceeds from the house selling and then come for more money later on spousal support. If I agree and get a lawyer and sign sooner than later then I feel like it locks things in where she cant change that then.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Flowers and loving notes are going to keep reinforcing her justifications and feelings. You need to be dim or dark. She needs to feel the loss of you, before other feelings that she is keeping down have a chance to rise within her. Other feelings like guilt, shame, loss, grief, and such. Feelings that would be more helpful to your cause. Right now, she is high on her BD and her new shiny fantasy life. And a fantasy is really hard to break through. She needs her reality, from her actions.
Yea the flowers were a drop and she didnt even care or say anything. Debating if I should just pitch them at this point since they just sit there and are a reminder to her of me pushing/trying. She acts like this whole thing doesnt even bother her right now. I feel like she will stumble for sure when she goes on her own because of all the little things I did for her throughout the years. But she is a strong person and pretty independent and has a great support system.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
how do you know what works since this is only a week old. I feel like this last week the more I try to understand and talk with her the more she pulls away and detaches. She doesnt show any emotion about it but says laying in bed last night that she has to better herself and even though she doesnt show it she said it hurts her and she will have to heal from this.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Don’t sweat it, we all break the rules at the beginning. You’ve told her you don’t want this. You’ve been available, even extra available. Been attentive and so on. And none of it has altered her path. You cannot control her. Her decision to change has to come from herself.
Agreed. She made this decision. I want to get her back but feel like I need to sit back and focus on myself and getting my own head right as well as getting this house together to sell. Shes around and Im around but not much talking. So kind of trying the dark/dim method but feel like she isnt going to respond to it. She is a very decisive person and sticks to her decisions.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Do not move out of the master bedroom. (This issue is likely to come up. Let her go to a spare room, or the couch, she’s the one wanting out. You stay put.)
She actually just moved to the basement when she got home today. She said earlier that she was going to wait until the end of the week. Im sure actions last night didnt help. But she said she feels like its the next step and needed so I dont get confused and think there is still a chance or anything
Originally Posted by DnJ
Another thing for you. Stop arguing with her. You’ve told her your side. No need to mention anything again for a good while. Instead, if/when W talks, seek to just validate her feelings.
For things/allegations that are true, definitely own them and apologize. (Don’t get caught up on assuming all the blame either. Consider things carefully, and when real, own your part.)
This is hard. Spoke with a counselor today that suggested I still let her know that I messed up and what that way. He suggested that I dont go on about it. Just a simple statement and leave it alone. Said I should do it while she is still living here. She plans on moving out once we have an offer on the house. So torn on do I go dark or do I remind her that I f*d up and own that?
