Not even sure where to start

[DnJ]

Good Morning dl

I agree with your counsellor. There is no need for you to rush into signing any agreements. W, obviously has some speedy agenda, and is even trying to coerce you into signing. (Weaponizing sex .) Be very wary! Get a lawyer.

Yes, W is not going to like you standing up for yourself and standing up to her plan. Don’t worry about it. Let her send your L the proposal and your L will respond to her’s. You let her do the work as she’s the one wanting out, you just respond, after giving things a proper review.

suggested that I throw it out there about going to therapy and dont push the issue. Said pick up some nice flowers and just leave her a note letting her know about the time and place and dont be around when she sees it.

Flowers and loving notes are going to keep reinforcing her justifications and feelings. You need to be dim or dark. She needs to feel the loss of you, before other feelings that she is keeping down have a chance to rise within her. Other feelings like guilt, shame, loss, grief, and such. Feelings that would be more helpful to your cause. Right now, she is high on her BD and her new shiny fantasy life. And a fantasy is really hard to break through. She needs her reality, from her actions.

So Im not even sure at this point if I should try anything. I feel like the last week I have been making myself available for her and breaking more rules that I even realized before I found this page!

It’s ok to try something. However, if it doesn’t work, don’t try it again for a good long while.

Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

Don’t sweat it, we all break the rules at the beginning. You’ve told her you don’t want this. You’ve been available, even extra available. Been attentive and so on. And none of it has altered her path. You cannot control her. Her decision to change has to come from herself.

So, some do’s and some do not’s for your path and healing/growth:

Do read DR.
Do focus on you.
Do GAL.
Do 180s.
Do continue IC.
Do not suggest couples therapy. Frankly, it likely will be wasteful and just push her out the door faster.
Do not sign anything for a month.
Do find a lawyer.
Do not move out of the master bedroom. (This issue is likely to come up. Let her go to a spare room, or the couch, she’s the one wanting out. You stay put.)
Do stop cake eating. She’s going to use it against you. Take your power back.
Do give time and space.
Do start a hobby. Maybe something you put away long ago. Brush the dust off it and pick it back up. Or start something new, like learning to play an instrument.
Do go for walks.
Do exercise.
Do have faith and hope. The future is unknown and unwritten.

Another thing for you. Stop arguing with her. You’ve told her your side. No need to mention anything again for a good while. Instead, if/when W talks, seek to just validate her feelings.

W is still speaking to (with?) you. If she was just done and done, she’d not say anything. Therefore, she wants to be heard. The LBS often miss this, and end up so desperately trying to get their view across, that they just dig that hole deeper. Do listen and validate. In conversing with W, less will be more.

Remember, validation doesn’t mean you agree or condone her behaviour or plans. It just means you see her feelings as valid, as she has the right to feel as she feels. Important: Do not try to talk her out of her feelings.

She said that she was irritated with how I dressed because I had a few buttons of my shirt undone (she always has liked that). She said that she knew why I did it but it shouldnt have come to this for me to do that. She said that I told her that I wasnt in this relationship for the last 3 years. I of course debated that since I know I told her that I wasnt being the protector, man and husband she needed me to be. Not that I wasnt in this. I was distracted by work, financial stress and home stress and along with relationship stress that I didn't even know how deep that was!

Your position was to defended yourself. This just influences fighting. And fighting begets fighting.

Validate, not debate.

For things/allegations that are true, definitely own them and apologize. (Don’t get caught up on assuming all the blame either. Consider things carefully, and when real, own your part.)

You did the best you could with the tools you had. Going forward, read books, read advice, ask questions, grow your toolbox. Kind of the heart of DB right there. Becoming better not bitter.

D