Not even sure where to start

[Boat14]

I am sorry you are here. Let's take a closer look.

He was shocked on how fast W is moving along and pushing things consider it wasnt even a week from BD and then going over who gets what and putting together excel spreadsheets on divinding things up and finances and what that would look like after selling the house.

You can bet that she has been thinking about this for a long time so it is not fast enough for her.

W is full steam ahead on everything. Counselor suggested that I take some time before proceeding with the D. Maybe 30 days. Said that everything is moving so quickly and I havent had time to process it all. I never thought about it until he said that and I tended to agree.

Again, if your counselor was good he/she would know that this isn't fast for your W.

I also talked with a friend of ours yesterday (his wife and my wife are good friends/work together but me and him are also good friends and he called to show support). He suggested that I throw it out there about going to therapy and dont push the issue.

Good advice to not push this issue.

Said pick up some nice flowers and just leave her a note letting her know about the time and place and dont be around when she sees it. So I did that.

Bad advice to suggest sending flowers. Prusuit and weakness will be your number one enemy.

Well when she came in the door, I was heading out on a phone call with the couples therapist (never been to this person before and wanted it to remain neutral).

Seeing a couples therapist is not a good idea right now. I know why you think it may be but it is not. Couples therapy ONLY WORKS when two people are 100% committed to saving the marriage.

I came back in and she met me at the door and said that she would go to the therapy appt if I would go next week to sign paperwork for our dissolution. I told her, regarding that I would like to have some time to process everything that is going on right now and I need to get myself a lawyer as well.

She's manipulating you. Once you sign the papers she will change her go and not participate and then say "see we tried everything".

That I feel like everything is moving so quickly like a hurricane for me. From gettin the BD on me, to signing papers to sell the house and dividing everything up all within a week. Of course, she was not happy. She kept trying to reason with me to go next week. Saying the 30 days wont change her mind and there is not any point to waiting since we agree on everything and we just need to get it done and over with.

She will lash out when she doesn't get her way.

She said Im going to grieve a loss either way, whether its now or after.

She sounds like a very compassionate person.

I told her I understood but am asking for this as she has had time to process all of this before her decision was brought to me. She finally backed down and walked away. Mind you since last week BD, she has been nice and cordial.

Don't be affected by her emotions or moods. She will be cordial when she is getting what she wants.

This is the 1st time I have seen her get irritable over this whole thing.

I bet $100 it's the first time you stood up to her.

Later on last night after that happened, we were outside with the dogs. I cant remember exactly what started the discussion but we got on how we are where we are. Somehow it got brought up about last week when I took her to dinner and laid it out. She said that she was irritated with how I dressed because I had a few buttons of my shirt undone (she always has liked that). She said that she knew why I did it but it shouldnt have come to this for me to do that. She said that I told her that I wasnt in this relationship for the last 3 years. I of course debated that since I know I told her that I wasnt being the protector, man and husband she needed me to be.

Never start relationship talks. If she does just listen and validate her feelings.

Not that I wasnt in this. I was distracted by work, financial stress and home stress and along with relationship stress that I didnt even know how deep that was!

Most men don't realize how deep it is and are shocked at bomb drop.

I asked her why she said what she said about rekindling later on and if she meant that or if she was leading me on to get me to sign everything. She said she doesnt know what the future holds.

She's leading you on. Right now she has zero intentions of ever rekindling with you. That could change down the road.

She said if she looks at the next 5 years, she doesnt see me in it. but she said that if we both become better versions of ourselves then maybe we could see if we could make things work.

So yeah if you improve and she strikes out with other men she might take you back. Does that sound appealing to you?

She told me she doesnt care if I need time and if its next year then so be it but she is going to go on living her life without me. Last night seemed to be the most she has shown emotions since this has all gone down. Maybe not the emotions I am looking to see but understanding that she has them and shown them is somewhat promising to me.

Why is that promising to you?

We both were laying in bed last night. Just talking, trying to not talk about this. But I did mention that maybe she should consider the counseling together. If not to bring us to together, but maybe help us both bring some closure and understanding of where things went wrong. I felt like our communication wasnt the best over the last few years and maybe someone could help us understand why or even help us understand where we go from here and if not together then how to do this on our own.

Pressure and weakness will be your number one enemy.

She told me she has to work on herself and even if I dont believe it that this breakup hurts her and she needs to heal from that after the D. I told her I understand and we both will hurt from this and need to heal. There was still that proposition of cake. we both were getting out of the shower and she would smile and I would as well. Laying in bed though I tried to make a move and she said she didnt want to because she felt like its causing me confusion and possible hope for us.

Pressure and weakness will be your number one enemy.

I told her maybe one day we could or would get back to that but I respect her decision.

Never ever ever be anyone's back up plan. so by saying your respect her decision what did you mean by that?

She also confirmed again laying in bed last night that she will go to therapy but only if and when I sign papers.

Manipulation

So this morning I tried rolling over to cuddle with her. I have done it every morning since this has all gone down and she has been receptive. This morning she was not. She put her hand up as to push me away. I said okay and I understand. She was down eating breakfast this morning and we both were watching TV. I was of course breaking rules and being a puppy dog in this phase. She wouldnt even look at me though. 1st time this morning that I havent told her I loved her when she left for work. I just told her that I hope she has a good day and she said the same back.

Pressure and weakness will be your number one enemy.

So Im not even sure at this point if I should try anything.

No you should try doing nothing.

I feel like the last week I have been making myself available for her and breaking more rules that I even realized before I found this page! So have the feeling now that I just going to try to follow the rules here (sandi's rules) and see how that goes because what I have been doing for the last week is not working. Just not sure if I should cut loses now or what my next steps should even be. I appreciate the advice here!!!

You have a looonnnnnnggggg road ahead of you. If you embrace this as a journey and go on a road to self improvement then this may be the best thing that ever happened to you. If you just stand still and try to hold on you will suffer more pain than you can ever imagine. The choice is yours. Good luck!