Okay so I should also add, my roller coaster isn’t done so I have a feeling you will be still hearing from me. Especially in the coming months when the reality of H leaving overseas for years happens. I don’t think the reality of that has hit yet. Friends think he’s going to pull out, I don’t, his ego is too far up his a.. right now to pull out. He has to see this through.

Anyway a bit of an update of the last week. Turned 42 and had a great time with friends. All went out for dinner, dancing and ALOT of laughs. Had multiple guys at the bar come to me and pay ALOT of attention to me. It freaked me out a bit. I had one friend egging me on to have a rebound etc. but I just wasn’t interested. My heart is still not right. I still feel like anything I did would be destroying to me right now. Loved the attention but that was it. For now I’ll just stick to doing Me and enjoying myself.
As I said above, got a bit emotional after H bought me a present, has been giving me hugs etc. opened up a fraction on stuff and we both had a bit of a chat. He actually apologised for the way he had treated me for the last few years with his drinking and how bad he was to me. Said he really wants to cut down and admitted to drinking alot in the past and even last week. I just listened. We both acknowledged some things we did wrong in our R which was nice, and both agreed that with self improvements we could make changes to it. But that’s where he left it. I didn’t push. I didn’t say a thing. The fact that he wants to “ be better” was enough to hear for now. Saying and doing though haha. Zero expectations

I’ve started running club with some of the work team at lunch now. The weather is nice and our days are longer. They aren’t fit so we are doing some runs( I seem to have become the coach) to all get fitter and hopefully do a fun run.

“Divorce dog” is keeping me out and about too. I actually love the dog so much. She has honestly been all my company through this. She has cuddled me when I have cried my eyes out, and is always happy.she also gets me moving daily even when I don’t want to. I may need
To call her “therapy dog” now so she doesn’t get a complex

The kids and I have been doing alot of stuff together. D14 still gets angry at H especially when he is moody from work and takes it out on them, but that kid has some serious boundaries and let’s him have it( especially about the drinking)

I’m feeling pretty good most days. I try not to think about H or my scenario at all. I am just trying everything to Let it all go, and just let time and everything work itself out. I still have hope. Maybe too much, since reading other external sources . She must have been a former DB she loves MwD too, but man she Is a person who just stands. I have hope without having hope if that make sense. I always felt like H and I were endgame and our story wasn’t done. Deep down my gut still tells me that. But a non broken non MLC version of H. Not the current H. So I guess I just have to wait and see what happens from here with this story.

Lots of GAL here and even lots of 180 that I think keep shocking H. I apologised to him the other day for speaking to him quite angrily while discussing something about D. I actually was just a bit grumpy and tired from traffic and a bad sleep. I realised about an hour later how I must have sounded speaking to him so I quickly shot off an apology. I think he was so shocked I apologised for my tone of voice because I would never have done that before. I really am just trying to be better

Anyway let’s see what’s in store as I approach happy 1yr anniversary of BD

M:41 H:48
T:20. M:16.5
BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023