Not Lost Anymore!Being the best version of ME!

[Pattnee5]

So I thought I would post a bit of a summary for those that don’t want to dig back through about 400 posts to read my story, and just give a bit of an overview as I approach the almost 1 yr mark since BD. Hopefully my story and journey helps others( like so many other stories helped me and still do)

An overview
Life was rosy, or so I thought. H48 me 41(just turned 42 last week), together 20 years, married 17(yep I am counting this year despite no celebration) two kids D14,S12, 2 cats and a “divorce dog” as I call her now.

- Dec 15 2022, wake up, H compliments my nice chest and figure, but declines me offering to join him on a walk. I had a few patients to see and off I go to work. H rocks up at my work( I was there alone) and BD me right then and there.
- I get the whole spiel “I think I want to separate, I am done, don’t talk me out of it, blah blah bla, I don’t love you anymore”
- Yep somehow I had to compose myself to see my patients. Then H rattles off a never ending list of nuances from not loading the dishwasher, to not having enough sex, to nagging him when he drinks, to buying the dog(which he agreed to).
- My world fell apart a week before christmas(my fav time of the year). His excuse?Well there would never be a good time to tell you. He takes an interstate trip to his family for Christmas who live in another state and I spend it with my family and kids. Kids don’t know a thing, my family do. I still vaguely remember that time but I can safely say I was traumatised.
- He returns from his trip and I am bending over backwards for him, doing anything and everything to change me, he is still at home still in our bed, even making love and says he will “try”.
- We have a family holiday booked overseas to Bali end of January which he decides not to come to 2 days before(tells kids it’s because of work). Off I go, fake smiles and all and try to at least give the kids an amazing time and not completely fall apart. By this stage I am not sleeping, hardly eating, a crying begging mess around him and all hidden from the kids. They still know nothing
- I get home and two days later he’s off overseas for a work trip. Ignores a lot of phone calls, a lot of ghosting me, again crying blubbering mess.
- Comes home, acts like H, affectionate, hugging, says to give him time, be patient, working through his “demons”.
- A note here to say he is doing nothing. I had started therapy, he refused, says he doesn’t want to waste their time and will sort it alone.
- Still at home and I’m like a madwoman, doing anything and everything, trying to talk relationships( he shuts down) trying to appease him for anything and everything, makes zero difference.
- Says he wants to stop drinking, so I offer to help and he says to please help as he knows he drinks a lot

( just a bit of a backstory here- H got a massive job promotion in Nov 2021 and then spiralled under pressure all of 22 before BD. Looking back now I can see the spiral, so much stress, worked days, nights, weekends, stopped going out, lived in sweatpants, started drinking every time he had a bad day and would park himself on the video games, grew more and more reclusive and isolated from me and family, would yell at all of us me especially. He never used to ever get angry but that whole year he would drink and get angry and angrier and spew the most hurtful things at me and I just took it. Then in the morning he would apologise profusely often not remembering what he said.
H and I have had an amazing relationship with ups and downs as all marriages. Unfortunately we went through a patch in 2012 where he was very similar to 2022, reclusive isolated from me refusing to spend time with me or go out, not speaking up or voicing things. I was going through my own post natal depression and as a you g 30 something I unfortunately strayed in the marriage. When confronted I came clean and we went to counselling and he forgave me and wanted to save our marriage. I did a lot of self work as did he and he forgiven me or so he said- and we moved past that . For 9 years I never heard about it from him, and absolutely learnt from the biggest and worst mistake and really made H and my kids my only priority. Fast forward to 2022, H starts his decline into what I now know as MLC, and starts bringing that all up in his angry drunken spurts at me)

Back to my story
- had been good with his drink for a whole week, and picked D and I up from an event and was a bit slurry. I asked one question about if he had a drink, and off he goes angry again.
- The next morning wakes up and says he’s moving out, he’s done. This is a few days before S bday. Kids get told. Devastated. They cried for nights, always after he left always in my arms. D 14 starts to get angry at him. Still is, hates his drinking has noticed it for two years, tells him he needs to stop and needs a hobby and friends because all he does is work. Literally he’s always working. Days, weekends, his phone is always chiming with emails messages he just doesn’t know how to switch off
- I’m still begging, pleading, doing anything I can, thinking the space may help him
- He still comes around spends time with kids, me, then retreats to his loft to work and sleep and drink in private.
- There is no EA or OW that I am aware of( although I won’t be surprised if there is an online someone I just have zero proof) I don’t know how he could even have anyone else he looks like rubbish, stops brushing his teeth, smells at times, and always has a hangover. He thinks I don’t know but I can tell the moment he’s had a drink it’s written all over him
- H is just going through motions of life, he has no contact with anyone other than me and the kids( his friends he’s pushed away, mutual friends have reached out he pushed them away too)
- He lives in sweats, when he’s not working he’s ticking boxes as a dad doing errands like school pickups, then retreats to drink and game
- Here I am Pattnee still trying my heart out doing everything so very wrong
- April 2023 I have major surgery, h becomes loving caring comes around to help a lot. Renewed hope? I keep trying to ask him where he’s at he says he doesn’t know and thanks me for being patient, still kissing me, hugging me, going for walks( no intimacy )
- It’s around here I find this forum and DR
- I start reading DR and start posting on this forum. I get a lot of amazing advice, realise I am doing so many things wrong, but still am living in my world of “ I can save this if I keep trying to beg-rope still hasn’t been dropped”
- Months pass of nothingness, H still doing nothing but motions of life, me working on myself, getting better,GAL, surrounding myself with happiness and friends as much as I can, faking to make it.
- H still drinking, lots of drinking, sometimes 5 nights a week, the drinking isn’t the issue it’s the volume and the fact that he can’t stop and gets to about 8 or 9 drinks in and the anger starts at me, and he goes hard. Pattnee the punching bag
- Goes to 1 AA meeting says it was amazing wants to go back( never does)
- Our 17 wedding anniversary is coming around H goes absolutely weird. Internal meltdown I can see it all over his face. Doesn’t see me that day nor messages. The next day says “ I spoke to a lawyer today I want to proceed with separating. Nothing has changed for me”. No $hit Sherlock, you have done absolutely nothing to help yourself won’t see a therapist, won’t even get a hobby or join friends”. Pattnee shattered but by now a lot stronger thanks to DB. By now getting better at it.
At this point he also tells me he can’t see himself sleeping in bed next to me again or ever going on holidays again together which is why he doesn’t want to go home. Brings up my affair. Can’t bring up the nuances like housework etc because I have literally changed everything he whinged about and he’s still not happy, so pulls out the one thing he knows he can have over me. Another side note, H was married before, short marriage 2 years unhappy, we meet hook up so yes he cheats on W number 1 with me and leaves her leaves his life moves here, soulmates etc. I believe H compares what he felt for me and our way we started and projects that I was going to do the same with my affair partner because he keeps mentioning running away together me leaving him for the other man etc. I never ever said that nor thought that, when confronted about the affair I felt relieved and did anything and everything to save my marriage. I keep telling him if I wanted out that was my out there but I didn’t want out. I just wanted H to see me. Worked a lot at therapy together on that. He and I were good space for 9 years. Then it all comes back up
- Off he goes for another overseas work trip(ghost mode on). I go see my lawyer and get all my ducks in order.
- H returns 10 days later only messaged kids maybe twice, me zero contact, no more lawyer talk. Back to his routine
- I go out, see friends, do stuff with kids, start to slowly drop the rope. Only realise now that I was getting stronger and stronger thanks to everyone here, he is getting deeper into his hole. I put boundaries up on the drinking around me and a few other things. The angry outbursts stop because I stop being around. I’m still sitting on my lawyer stuff, not doing anything.
- Last month (September) I had enough of this “limboland” and tell him we need to finalise the legal separation so we can deal with our finances and move on. Our money has been pooled the whole time, still is, still sharing and living as one. He kept throwing snarky remarks about me spending money on kids for concert tickets or me starting up my “expensive” gym membership. I got to breaking point when I realised this was just rubbish because I work too.
- I tell him it’s easier to sell our house take our own finances to our seperate ways. H decides that night( over what I can only assume was a few drinks) to take a job transfer with his company to the other side of the world for a few years.
- I must say at least he is consistent with ruining big milestones(Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries) and making incredibly knee jerk decisions.

So that’s a shortened run through. There’s so many more layers.
The MLC stole my H. I never realised what MLC really was until I got on here and then did a lot of reading and by a lot I mean A LOT. My H I think triggered by a lot of his work stress, coupled with covid lockdowns and not being able to go to the gym, so there was a lot of comments the last year of getting older getting fatter losing size in muscle. He also had a few issues in the bedroom although that doesn’t help when you consume your body weight in alcohol every week. But no, the alien blamed me for everything, and I mean everything. Bringing up even things from when we were in our 20s .It’s amazing how a lot of his issues with me go back 10+ years. They rewrite a lot of history. Those holidays they loved at the time, they now say were horrible, I was horrible. My MLC alien isn’t a fast cars and spending money and multiple affairs( that I know of yet). Mine has turned inward. An introvert always, become more of an introvert recluse. sweat pants and video games and drinking. A true 20 year old male. Lots of anger at any one but himself. A very vacant look in his eyes. Some days he’s good and chirpy, other days he isn’t.

So where are we at today? Well he still hasn’t told the kids he’s leaving for a few years, still hasn’t finalised anything job wise, legal wise house wise. He still drinks(how much I don’t know and don’t care because I am not around it, however he did recently admit to me again he wants to stop as he had a hangover). He is still using escapism and gaming (overwatch-it has to be addictive behaviour like the drink)

Where am I at? Well I finally dropped the rope( well most of it). I don’t beg, cry or anything anymore. I offer him support when he needs it. He knows I love him he knows I want to save our marriage. He says he “has to do this he has to take this opportunity and has to find himself”. Massive eye roll. What gives these men the right to ditch responsibilities and kids and run. To “find themselves” .
I needed to “let go” and the moment I did is when I realised everything would work out for me no matter what.the stress of holding on was ruining me. The “letting go” is when I feel I came out of that hole I was in, that hole H had dragged me into, and I finally put myself first. Me and the kids now that’s all that matters.

I do still believe my marriage is fixable, savable. But right now I am the only one who believes that and who wants to give it 100%. Unfortunately my H doesn’t. He has a lot of things he needs to do and sort out for himself. The MLC alien is in a pretty deep dark hole. He is ashamed, has very low self esteem and actually doesn’t like himself( recently admitted all 3 to me). I didn’t break him which means I can’t fix him. But for now I’ll keep moving my way with the kids. Do I still have hope? ABSOLUTELY. But this is his crisis not mine and he needs to work through it alone and his way, because if he doesn’t he won’t fully heal and if he doesn’t fully heal, we have no shot at a solid future. It took me a long while to realise if I try and stop him, or try and stop his move overseas, he will resent me more, use it as more ammo against me. He needs to go and live with his reality and choices and consequences and needs to live with the fallout, and see his problems follow.

I’ve generally been in a good headspace lately. This week was emotional with my bday, h bought me a gift gave me a hug, compliments and even started to open up a small amount of R talk but nothing major. I got a bit emotional watching a movie and realising soon H will be in a whole other country and I won’t see him anymore.
I’ve started a running club at work with the work girls in our lunch hour so we are all getting fitter for summer. I still do my therapy but I’ve switched to something that has really helped me a lot a few months back called kinesiology. I can’t even explain how or what it is but this woman came highly recommended for trauma and this sort of stuff. She has been phenomenal releasing all this trapped emotion and subconscious stuff. It has helped me immensely since starting it a few months ago. I was never into weird stuff like that which is out of the normal but boy I am a changed woman. Even after my emotional week where I had been feeling quite flat, I had a session today and we unlocked a lot of things and I now feel amazing and strong again. It seems my main issues right now are around losing someone I trusted so much and how can I ever learn to trust again.

I think since I have detached and calmed alot of my energy now, I am seeing H shift a bit( like the small R talk where he opened up some of his thoughts in a safe space with me, the gift, constantly asking how my day is). I had been reading alot too the last few months on some other helpful sites and just changing my attitude and keeping things light and fun and smiling around H and just almost treating him as a friend and trying to rebuild that friendship.
Maybe it works maybe it doesn’t who knows all I know is I have zero expectations about anything anymore.
I still have hope for us. I still have hope that I can be better and continue to work on myself, while he hopefully does the same and we can come back better and stronger. But if he doesn’t, or chooses not to, I’m ok with that now. I keep re-reading the lighthouse story on days I feel low, and just keep reminding myself I am the lighthouse. It’s up to him if he chooses to find it and find his way home.
In the meantime I think things happen for a reason. I think I was suppose to learn something from this horrible pain and scenario.

I’m not writing this off yet. The man I loved died when MLC alien came along. I know that. I still grieve that man before MLC. But I still hold hope that he’s smart enough strong enough to get through this and find his way out and hopefully start rebuilding a new life together. He may not, I know that too. I think the one thing we do is we can’t look too far ahead anymore.
Sorry for the long rant but that’s me in my 10 months since BD and 6 months since finding DR. I never thought I would be where I am today.