Welcome to the boards. I’m sorry the rug has been pulled out from under you, it is quite a gut punch getting that bomb drop.
You are in a wonderful place here; many kind compassionate folks with much hard-earned wisdom.
I’ll copy Cadet’s welcoming post for your reference. Do read the links, there is a trove of really good information there.
Do you have a copy of MWD’s book Divorce Remedy? If not, do get one. And remember to keep it, and this site, close to your vest. Spouses that are looking to leave see/feel such information and marriage saving guidance as manipulation, which tends to exacerbates the strife.
I see BD was last week, and there was a similar time a year ago. You also took her out to her favourite restaurant and tried to see if she could move passed all this. And she just dug into her plan deeper. So, give her time and space.
You are correct, she has lots going on within her. Realize, she doesn’t want you to solve it for her either. She’s pushing away. The best, fastest way to any possible reconciliation is in the opposite direction. She needs to feel the loss, before she’ll feel something else.
You don’t necessarily actively strive in that direction. You leave the heavy lifting to her. Let her feel the weight and responsibility of her decisions. This builds time into the process. Gives time for reflection and a possible change of heart for her. And give you time to become the best version of yourself.
You do have the gift of time in all this. Use it well.
W’s words and behaviour shows she is standing in two worlds. She says she wants out, yet goes out for diner with you, wants to sell the house, still sleeps with you, even proposes having a relationship after splitting up, yet doesn’t envision a future with you. Her views all quite confusing and conflating.
Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.
W, like many who jump ship in such a manner, is being lead by her feelings. And feelings are fleeting. Feelings change, and then so does their reason and credence of whatever they said before. Follow her actions and behaviours more than her words. And even then, take those behaviours with a large grain of salt.
In conversations with W, validate her feelings. Do not try to talk her out of things. Do not argue with her. If she adamantly thinks/feels the sky is red, it is. For her. Validating is not condoning, it is acknowledging her feelings. Validating she has the right to feel as she does.
You laid out your side during that diner. She knows you don’t want this. No further need to bring it up. And besides, one cannot talk their way out of something they acted their way into. Going forward, become a man only fool would leave. Of course, self betterment is a life long project.
Originally Posted by dleague
Lay it all out. Own up to the mistakes I made and try to see if we can move past it. It was emotional. At the end she said she isnt there anymore and its hard to make it work if only one person wants to (me). So we signed papers last night to sell the house. I told her I don't even care about the house or anything in it.
Originally Posted by dleague
We have on paper divided everything up in the house.
Big suggestion. Do not sign anything before running it by your lawyer.
See a lawyer. This doesn’t mean you are getting divorced, or want a divorce, this is just to get information on your rights, options, and expected outcomes. Do this ASAP.
Many leaving spouses have a dreamy vision of divorce and how smoothly it all goes. The truth is often quite abrasive to such a shiny facade and naive outlook. You seeking legal counsel will likely ruffle her feathers. Doesn’t matter, do not short sell yourself or your half of the martial assets. You cannot nice her back in all this. And you still need to provide for yourself, you’ve got lots of years left. For most, this is the biggest financial decision of their life; do seek and listen to legal advice and counsel.
As for sex during all this and after. My view, she is making specific and purposeful movement, not just talk, towards splitting up. I’d not allow cake eating.
I know the situation is hard. And it hurts.
Focus on you. Get a life. Do stuff. Go out for a walk. Work towards detachment.
Give lots of time and space.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
