Went to a retirement workshop at work yesterday. Not because I am planning on retiring soon, but to become more informed so I can gauge my own financial future in light of what is going on in my M right now.
Those retirement workshops sure provide lots of answers. I learned so much in mine, even for the questions I didn’t even know I had. It’s good to get/have accurate data to gauge and plan towards your future.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
S17 has a four-day weekend, and is home from college. He got in last night after 9:00 and immediately ran out to his favorite chain food establishment, which doesn't exist in the much smaller city where he attends college.
Lol! A late supper.
Yep, I much enjoy getting into the big city for my favourite restaurants as well.
Regarding Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other special events: Preempt. Make plans. Do something. Have people over. Throw a party at your house, invite your family and friends. Or go out - because you want to, not because W might have her parents over. (I suspect she’s likely to visit them, not cook and clean, and look after all that stuff for such an occasion.)
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
W has already mentioned Thanksgiving once. I've decided that I need to pull the plug on my involvement in any family gatherings where W's family are involved. This is how it is going to be going forward anyway. I don't need a piece of paper signed by a judge to know when a family unit is finished.
I don't think she anticipates my doing this. I've toyed with different ways of telling her, thinking that the best is just to say, "I won't be there." Knowing her, she will probably try to prompt for more and ask if this means Christmas, etc. also. I'm assuming that if she asks for a reason, I shouldn't give her one...just end the convo as quickly as possible.
What did she mention? Did she say she was hosting it?
I’d not attend Thanksgiving at her parent’s or some other place; trying to give the appearance of the family unit. When/if she asks, just tell her “No thank you, I’ve got other plans”.
If you are going to have folks over, tell W. Just mention that fact. “Just so you know, I’m hosting Thanksgiving with my parents and friends on Saturday November xx”.
Remember, roommate-like. Give notice and walk the high road as best you can.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
S17 has been with his GF for a few months now. Their relationship is exclusive and serious at this point.
I like his girlfriend. She is generally nice, BUT I find it hard to form a relationship with her.
W has informed me (via son's GF's mother) that she is a high-functioning autistic. Intellectually, she functions fine, but she is extremely quiet. Quiet as in, when she comes into the house I don't even know she is there half the time. Quiet as in, when she sees me, she looks right through me as if I am not there. She does not initiate greeting. I feel she is not comfortable with me. And I thought I was introverted. She is my level of quiet times two.
Crafting a relationship with one’s kid’s significant other is challenging.
When my kids started dating and bringing around their partner, especially when their relationship was exclusive and serious, I thought about what relationship I want with these potential family members. Believe me with my first kid, my eldest son, I was charting new territory. And that, as it turned out, was for more than just his GF; his and my relationship too would have to evolve.
I needed to see, and treat, my kids more as adults than kids. For they are.
I then considered their point of view. My kids’ point of view, as well as any date/partner they bring around. I thought about my own past. Which relatives did I feel most comfortable around. What (and who) did I like/love the most? I decided that was the behaviour to emulate. And that emulating became my evolution. Became me.
No matter when. No matter what I’m doing. If/when kids and/or friends/partners show up, I stop and greet them warmly. Everyone gets a hug. Always.
For sure, at first, that was not the norm. Not my norm. However, my best memories and most loved people always greeted me like I was the most important person to arrive on their doorstep. And, my kids are! And anyone they are investing themselves into, I best be supportive and treat similarly. So I do.
Certainly, my kids’ “starting out” dating and relationships have not all panned out. That’s dating. However, when exclusive and serious comes around, I’ve found their significant other is brought around a lot more. And I ensure they feel welcome.
You are the parent. You lead. You gently steer your kids. You are a living example.
Nowadays, all my kids show up with arms outstretched too. So do their partners and friends. Heck, even my friends all do too.
Funny side story. My son’s wedding. I was me. Everyone I met, I gave a big hug to. Even the minister. Apparently that is not often done. Lol. Turns out I was instantly burnt into people’s memories. That weekend they all knew my name, and I had plenty more hugs from all the relatives, initiated from them, for the next two days.
The Christmas concert at my house, the one year anniversary for my kids, these same folks arrived open-armed. To me, it looks like most people feel the world could use more hugs and positive interactions; we just need a gently push in that direction.
Like I said, when I first considered who I wanted to be - By the way, this ties in really well with examining one’s beliefs and convictions. Especially the “craft values you aspire to” - when I first considered who I wanted to be, this was all quite a step out of my comfortable norm. There is worry and fear of how people will react. What if they don’t like it. And so on. Ah, fear. After living through BD and my situation, I’m pretty fearless now. I mean, it’s pretty unlikely anyone will ever hurt me anywhere close to what W did and could. So set fear aside. People do respond positively. People do want to be, do want to feel, welcomed and honoured.
Regarding the autism. Do not make it an issue or barrier. My DIL’s sister has severe autism, childhood disintegrative disorder, and suffers from seizure disorder as well. She was not expected to live past ten or so. She is now in her twenties. When I first met her she was so very shy. I greeted her kindly and went at her pace. Over time, she became trusting and felt at ease. Now, she hurls herself towards me for hugs, and I better be ready and braced.
Sun, consider those who you most felt loved and cherished by. Aspire, to be your best self. Be sincere.
I hope that helps.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It’s good to get/have accurate data to gauge and plan towards your future.
