Thanks for the replies and support everybody! I can't tell you how much it helps me.
I haven't purchased or read Michele's book yet, but will ASAP since two of you mentioned it! I stumbled upon Brad Browning's eBook "Mend the Marriage" before I found this site and have been working my way through that. So far I'm about halfway through but I don't find it that helpful to my situation. It's not specific to the husband or wife (I'm not sure if Michele's book is the same here or if that matters) but Brad's book seems to start with the premise that the LBS is in that situation because of his or her shortcomings, e.g. rudeness, inattention, sarcasm, verbal abuse, etc., and the solution is to fix yourself to become the "ideal spouse" that's a joy for the WAS to be around and doesn't cause any conflict or stress. Eventually the WAS remembers why they fell in love with the LBS and everything is good. This could be premature since as I mentioned I'm only halfway through. I have my shortcomings of course but feel I've already been checking most of the boxes of the "goals" the LBS should aspire to :-)
I have trouble sleeping more than a few hours (e.g. this morning I woke up after four hours with a churning mind and got out of bed). It occurred to me that I could sleep in the guest bedroom starting tonight if that helps.
Yesterday was extremely stressful for me to the point where I felt like throwing up because I started suspecting she might already be cheating in some way. We've always shared our phone GPS location with each other. A couple days before BD she stopped sharing her location with me and our kids. She was tired of knowing that even her family could track her. She's been spending more solo time than usual away from the house so I calmly asked her directly if she already had someone she was interested in. She replied, "not really, I'll let you know if it gets to that". I'm not sure what "not really" means.
She's clearly extremely bothered by some other issues unrelated to me so I might be "collateral damage" in some sense. She's black (I'm not) and she's been torn up for months about the apparent rise of open racism in the US. Several months ago (so long before changing her drug regimen and BD) she left the church we've been happily attending for years because she felt there were too many people hanging onto racist attitudes there, which I agreed with.
A few weeks ago (so also before the drug change and BD) a VERY close friend of our whole family just died of cancer. This was another emotional shock.
I've been supporting her through all this to the best of my ability but maybe these issues have contributed significantly to our problem.
In a couple days we both have an appointment to be guest-speakers in a local university course on families to share our experience being an interracial couple with successful kids, and will tell the story on how we met, fell in love, struggles we went through, etc. I've been looking forward to it and I have no doubt my wife will be charismatic, entertaining, funny, and a delight to the students.
