So I'm lost here with everything going on in my marriage and maybe/hopefully I can get some advice here to help sort things out. Im 44 and wife is 36. We have been together 14 years (married 11). Was just told by her last week that she doesn't want be with me anymore and doesn't envision a future with me. Of course this caught me off guard and mind blown. I felt like things have been good! She did this last year and I left the room in tears. She came and we talked and she said she felt like she was holding me back from my future and anything I wanted to do. I told her that I wanted her and she is my future and the one I want to make plans with. We reconciled and agreed to make it work. This time she told me that she couldnt shake the feeling and was hurt from the years of the things I've said (see below).
A little backstory for reference. we bought a beautiful lake home that we completely renovated about 6 years ago. 6 months after we bought it, she was diagnosed with a rare disease called Ramsey Hunt Syndrome (same thing that Bieber has now). It was mentally and emotionally exhausting for both of us. I was constantly on edge as we were going to the doctor and ER multiple times to try to figure this out before one ENT finally did. Well as part of this her lifestyle drastically changed. She could no longer do as much as she could as she would get tired very easily. She couldnt do anything fast motion like roller coasters or strobe lights. She was/is very strong and probably one of the strongest women I've ever met. AS the years went on we figured things out. She was in a job she didnt like nor want to do the rest of her life. Well along the way I've said some dumb stuff. on our 7 year anniversary we were in another state on vacation and there was some tension between us and I just said something stupid along the lines "I have to think about all of this and if this is something I want to deal with". I've also said some other stuff along the years such as calling her "boring". So I'm sure this has all weighed on her. I wasn't always the best with thinking before I speak.
I always considered us unbreakable. Lots of our other friends did as well. We never had any fights or called each other names or laid hands on each other. Never any affairs or infidelity. On the outside we loved each other. We had the stresses of daily life. The last few years finances have gotten more stressful. I was stuck in a job I wanted out from. We were always remodeling something on the house or having to fix something. We were the type that always had something going on. But we loved each other and loved on each other. Sex was always great and never deprived.
Well she has 2 brothers. One younger and one older. Her older brother was in jail for drugs at one time when she was a teenager. Now her younger brother (33) we found out about a month ago that he is on drugs and battling depression. He was always the straight edge type and never touched anything. Her mother is living in states away. her dad she cut out of her life a few years back. we both have kids before our marriage and non together, mine is 25 and hers is 17. We have 2 loving dogs. one is on his way out in the next few months and is the closer one to her.
So she is wanting to sell the house (she is a real estate agent). She wants to proceed with a dissolution. We don't hate each other and have been more than respectful of each other. After she told me this last week, I had some time to do some self reflecting. well towards the end of the week, I took her to her favorite restaurant to try to talk to her one last time. Lay it all out. Own up to the mistakes I made and try to see if we can move past it. It was emotional. At the end she said she isnt there anymore and its hard to make it work if only one person wants to (me). So we signed papers last night to sell the house. I told her I dont even care about the house or anything in it. With us selling it I proposed she could be a stay at home mom, like she wanted since we will be better of financially and its what she has always wanted (mostly because of her disease she is dealing with) but we could never do since we were strapped financially. I wanted to give us a chance and try to figure this out. We both agreed that we love each other. We even have had sex a few times since this all went down. I finally got the job offer I was waiting on 2 days after she told me that she wanted out. She proposed celebratory sex with "no strings attached". I enjoy sex with her and still am deeply attracted to her, so of course I obliged. I feel like Im in love with her and she isnt in love with me anymore. I feel like the things I have said and stresses I have caused throughout the years has forced her to protect her heart. I can't find a crack to get through though. We have on paper divided everything up in the house. We still sleep in the same bed (she plans on moving to the basement at the end of the week until the house sells as she thinks it would be better). She still walks by and asks if Im okay and gives me hugs. Tells me she is still attracted to me. Even threw out the opportunity for us to have sex after the divorce as long as we arent sleeping with others. Over the last few days of talking she has mentioned in conversations that we may find each other again (she said she read about one couple that was divorced 7 years and got back together for life). She is open to going on dates. We still have our dogs we raised together and want them to be around each other. My daughter is really close to her and probably will still see her and spend the night with her, which is something I totally support. My wife even said we may still spend the night with each other.
So I feel like she is hurt. Lots going on with her. Lots going on with me. we both are in therapy now. I suggested marriage counseling. Shes not interested though. She is ready to sell the house, move out and get on with her life and figuring that out and what that entails. She says she isnt interested in dating and wants to figure her life out. With her saying things like we can still have sex and still go on dates and stuff, makes me feel like maybe she needs time. I feel like we both love each other and in love with each other. Just in a tough spot and trying to find out if there is anything/advice on if I can save this or do I let it go and maybe hope for rekindling later? It just tears me up inside with all of this. She has given me hugs and been there when it hits me, but emotionally feels like she is detaching herself.
