Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in your situation. I was like you, and stumbled upon this site while seeking answers on the internet. This place is really awesome. Lots of kind and compassionate folks here with much hard-earned wisdom.
I’ll include a copy of Cadet’s welcome post at the tail end of this post for your reference. There are quite a few links with lots of good useful information.
Do you have a copy of MWD’s Divorce Busting book? I’d suggest getting a copy and read it cover to cover, a couple of time. It’s a very good resource.
Keep DR, this site, and the techniques and strategies you learn about close to your vest. Do not tell W all the positive learnings, as she will see it as you trying to manipulate her. If you use a family computer, ensure you wipe the browser history and such too. At the moment, she is not on team buck.
Originally Posted by buck1
My wife gave me the BD a few days ago with these details: I was no longer the man she needed I'm unable to connect to her emotionally the way she needs It's because of certain aspects of my personality she can no longer live with She says I can't change and doesn't want me to I've been a wonderful husband in many areas (dependable, great provider, that kind of stuff) I've been an absolutely wonderful father (no qualifications given there) I deserve someone to love me for myself the way I deserve to be loved There have been many things she hasn't felt comfortable to talk to me about because I can't relate She stated no interest in trying to work things out
This is pretty typical bomb drop fare. W is projecting upon you. Laying “her” justifying blames and faults upon you. All while following her “new” feelings and justifying her decisions.
Many of the spouses feel something - trapped, bored, old, whatever - yet don’t understand why. And they don’t dig into it. Their feelings becoming their beliefs of their “new and authentic” life. And us LBS are now just holding them back.
The more you try to logically and rationally explain to W, the more you try to wake her up to the reality of her new course, the more she will fight and push to get away. As R2C wisely stated, time and space, letting her feel the weight of her decisions, is the only magic bullet. She needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship. Until she can realizes/feels this, she will not turn back.
Originally Posted by buck1
She still loves me deeply I asked if saying I was not her "soul mate" was accurate, and she said she said that was "too harsh" of a statement
She’s not out the door. She’s having mixed feelings. Lots of hope here.
You focus on you. Give her time and space, for she’s going to take it regardless. Become less available. She did after all say she has no interest in working things out. However, in my experience and opinion, folks who truly have zero interest in such, do not speak about it, they just do it.
Do not engage in relationship talks. None. Even she brings up an R-talk.
When she initiates conversations and shares her feelings, validate her feelings, listen to what she says. Realize validating is not condoning. You are simply acknowledging her feelings, not giving justification to her behaviours and/or decisions. It takes a while for most folks to learn how to walk this, at first, fine line.
Speaking of at first, you will most likely find the DB suggestions and advice to be quite counterintuitive. It will feel wrong. Perfect normal, most of us have life experiences and defaults that pull us in a less than helpful direction during this martial strife. Like I said, at first. In time, and with understanding, DBing becomes one’s default.
W’s change to her antidepressant regime could be troubling. Antidepressants effect neurotransmitter population, they increase it, and this affects one’s emotional state. Her going cold turkey is, from my understanding, never the preferred method of ramping down a dosage. Also, any changes should be directed by her physician. By the sounds of things, W has self prescribed her new dosage of zero.
Stopping antidepressants brings about a change in most folks within a few days or weeks. There is also usually a withdrawal period from such medication alterations. Just enacting such a stoppage sans medical advice or oversight is ill-advised. However, not much you can directly do in this matter. Hopefully, W gets to speak with her doctor soon.
As W coupled her long term antidepressants with other therapy, like counselling? You stated she started medication 15 years ago, and it saved your marriage. I’m inferring she has some issues inside her, which perhaps she has continued to ignore for the past decade and a half. Things buried alive, do come back to haunt.
So, yes it is possible that her sudden going cold turkey has had a significant and dramatic affect upon her emotional state. Antidepressants don’t directly control one’s feelings, they increase the number neurotransmitters, which has a positive influence on one’s mood and emotional state. An increase in neurotransmitters influence and reinforce positive feelings that are already present, and at the same time lessen pain and hurtful emotions. It’s a regaining balance thing, not a stifling of depression. A sudden removal of such would have quite a shift.
Hope you days is going well, and I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
