Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

Grief recovery class was emotional but great last night. We're down to 5 people (originally 8). Those that have stayed have grown a lot closer, though. We really opened up our lives last night sharing our loss history charts. Every person said something like "I've only told 2 people this in my life" for one of their losses.

Next week is a relationship history graph. We can pick anyone in our life and chart our relationship. The major highs and lows. I'm picking my dad.

After class, visited one of my best friends and his gf. We've had a standing appointment to hang out after class each Thursday since they live near the class location. Had some great conversations with them last night. Also, I heard from my youngest BIL. FIL explained to me a few weeks ago that he tends to shell up for a while whenever he goes through trauma, so I wasn't surprised he hadn't reached out. He just left a very loving text and shared a song with me from a band we both love. He also mentioned he's furious with W, and I've seen a couple other texts from extended in-laws that have said the same. I know it doesn't really carry much weight for our situation as W is doing what she wants to and listening/talking to the people that are validating her.

I have another busy weekend ahead of me, some fun activities. But I'm trying to learn from my last couple of weekends that were filled with wall-to-wall fun plans with friends. By the time Monday came around, all of the negative emotions of the separation had built up and hit me all at once. I'm going to try to find time a couple times each day to reflect and process. We'll see how Monday feels at that point.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Card,

I have been away for a bit. skimmed your sitch.

I've had a lot of anger towards her lately.

Anger is pure energy that can be channeled into something productive. That is what I learned going through this. Take that anger and channel it into something. Working out is one example.

Speaking of the grief recovery class, here is my loss chart in list form.

Thanks for sharing. This is the type of work that helps you get to a healthy place. Keep it up. You are on the right path.

[Card29]

Funny you just posted, I just got on for the first time in a few days. Absolutely pissed right now. Anger had subsided until today. At least my counselor has helped me identify the source:

1. Discovering new objects that W has taken from the house. I’ll be happily going about my day and “oh, great, W decided she wanted that thing”. They’re all minor things as we’d agreed on the big stuff and put it in writing. The remedy is I am holding her to an agreed upon deadline of this Friday. I’m changing the locks on Saturday. I also told her to not take another object that isnt on our list without talking to me.

2. Doom scrolling social media. Twitter generally puts me in a bad mood as 80% of tweets are someone complaining. Complaining about politics, sports, economy, social issues, gun violence, urbanism, Elon Musk, Twitter itself, etc. And then I go to reddit. It used to be a source of laughter and fun. Now it seems to be FILLED with R and M problems. I think a big chunk of redditors are 30-45, and they are now going through D’s left and right. So every time I go on, I hear another 3-4 situations looking for advice, and the advice is ALWAYS divorce. And it just makes me think of the two women I loved and married, and they both just quit without an ounce of effort with me. They both told me the same line at BD: “I have been trying so hard for so long to make it work.” Absolute bull****

Bonus source from today: I “caught” MIL with her in the house today. Not that they couldnt be there due to our agreement (I would handle it differently in hindsight, didnt know how much this s*** would bother me). But also it’s the sneakiness of MIL being there. I’ve heard how vindictive she was in her own D, and now she came down here and raided the house with W. The only things they took that werent agreed upon were minor (*both* honey jars, *both* nail clippers) but it just pisses me off even more than ever. D11 went to put some on her yogurt but couldnt find it. Really, you needed both of them? The honey made me call W. She answered but I hung up and then said it was a butt dial. I was about to unload on her. Later I texted and asked her to return 1 honey and 1 nail clipper.

And generally, I’m pissed at MIL these days. She is the worst person in W’s life and she is the one person W will never ever criticize or be real with to her face. MIL will get wasted and miss a big event, or get drunk and throw up on our couch when she was about to baby sit S1 (S0 at the time). The drinking and screwing over of W goes back 20 years. W having to parent her siblings at 10 yrs old because MIL was drunk. Had to cook dinner for 4 at 10 years old because MIL was out drinking with a BF. Had to grow up so early. And W has covered for her and made excuses for her for 20 years. But in private she is hurt so deeply by her M. Then they get around each other and the fake bubbly happiness, organizing and cleaning erupts. It’s sad and infuriating to witness or think about. And now she’s the only one she is talking to during this process, besides these stupid a** friends she’s made in the last 8 months. She has shunned all of the great people out of her life and is just echoing herself with her alcoholic M and the friends that never even met her until well after her crisis started in Aug 2022. They don’t even know who the real W is. I am so mad at W, but I am also heart broken for her. If she is really going through a crisis because of her MS outlook, or postpartum depression, or both, I feel for that, and it’s so self destructive the path she’s following. It’s like she’s cursed with this connection to her M. Her other siblings all keep MIL at arms distance. I think W shielded her from them when they were little, and they didn’t nt grow into this codependent R with her like W. They are all so much better off in that regard compared to W. And they live 10 minutes from her while W is 5 hours away!

I feel like this is going to inevitably F up S1 in some way, too. But I can only be the best dad I can during the times I have him. D11 has extreme anxiety these days and even with the best coparenting situation I can imagine between me, xW and D11’s stepdad, I wonder how much the D has contributed to that. I guess I’m just having doom thoughts tonight. I cant sleep now. It’s almost 1 am, so it’s too late for my “relief” activities (visit a friend, go for a walk). I can’t wait for W to be done raiding this house. I would like to not see her for a while, and see no evidence of her around.

[Pattnee5]

Hi Card
So sorry to read this and that you’re feeling angry. Can you punch it out for a while? A pillow helps 😂😉. I absolutely went to town on a big European pillow on my H side of the bed in those early days when little things like this would anger me. Especially late at night. The dog would then get all excited thinking it’s playtime and end up making me laugh. I am not sure what would work for you but remember that anger feeling is temporary. It will pass. You just have to embrace it, let it out and it will go. Maybe journal the feelings? I used to make so many “notes” in my phone in those times of anger. I still have them and too scared to read them. I think I’ll just delete them soon.

I think when we are in this situation you hear more people going through it. Especially when you start scrolling. There certainly is a lot more people in the 40+ going through it. I know so many people when I tell them what’s happened tell me their friends are the same. It’s really quite rubbish these days. Life gets a bit tougher and people get going. Never really happened in my parents or grandparents day and boy have they faced some serious life challenges. It’s sad really.

So back to the anger and the honey jar. I think it’s all part of the “dropping the rope” and “detaching”. Soon you won’t care and it won’t anger you like it does now. I read a great great article about a month ago by “hearts blessings”. I think someone had posted something on these boards of hers and then I googled her name and this whole page of amazing articles came up. She wrote an amazing one on emotional detaching and dropping the rope.
It put a lot of things in perspective for me. It talks about “locking away” those emotions towards your spouse and literally becoming almost numb and immune to your spouses actions. It doesn’t mean those feelings you had have been erased you have just locked them away and works well in those times of anger and these situations where they suck us in. And while you know you love them you don’t feel it you just shelve it for now and stops you trying to “fix them”.
Not dropping that rope just puts you second and you continue to put them first. At some point that just gets exhausting and you gotta stop putting yourself last. If you want some good articles to read google it.( don’t think I can post it by rules) people have posted her snippets maybe she used to be on this forum I don’t know. It’s a bit god focused too and I am not religious at all but away from that she has some very very insightful advice as someone who went through a MLC partner and also had one herself. The detachment article really helped me explaining about how detachment works how it feels and how it protects us from further hurt, so we can start to heal and become whole again. It also talks about the spouses and why they start to turn back toward you when you detach( I have seen some very small signs in my situation)

You know she did the honey for a reaction right? Or just to be a b(insert word here).
I would have just gone out and bought the most fanciest coolest looking honey jar, one she would be envious of, put it smack bang on display and just rubbed it into her face next time she is around by boasting about it. That’s just me though now, and I feel like I’ve had enough of being nice and falling for H bait anymore. I would also just be present when she’s there to take the last of her things, change the locks, spruce up your new space and start to own Cards new domain. And put that darn thing you hate out on the porch for her or donate it to charity. Better still cover it in honey 😁

[Card29]

Shew I was mad last night! Thankfully, shortly after my post, I was able to relax and fall asleep. I put on a podcast that has zero connection to W or our history. It immediately got my mind off things. I think I fell asleep within 5 minutes. I let myself sleep in a bit so I could get an extra hour. I feel somewhat better this morning. I'll be at the gym going hard at lunch time (3 hours away), so I expect to feel even better after that.

In addition to identifying the two main triggers of anger lately (W taking small things from the house, doom scrolling social media), I also have been aware that my worst moods have been at the end of weekends. I think this is due to filling all of my time with fun activities with friends and kids, and then all of the negative emotions hitting me at once when the weekend is over and I'm alone with my thoughts. Yesterday was the perfect cocktail (end of weekend, W with a big move out day and a long social media session late at nigh) with the added garnish of MIL being there.

W should be out of the house before this coming weekend. The main thing I need to work on is a new nighttime routine. Preferably reading a book. I also need to make sure I get some intense exercise on Sundays. I've been working out more since BD, but I've still just been chilling on Sundays. I got some things done around the house and yard, but it wasn't physically intense. So that will be on the docket for next Sunday.

Can you punch it out for a while? A pillow helps 😂😉.

I'm writing this down in case I'm in a bad spot late at night again. I couldn't think of any options for 1 am.

So back to the anger and the honey jar. I think it’s all part of the “dropping the rope” and “detaching”. Soon you won’t care and it won’t anger you like it does now. I read a great great article about a month ago by “hearts blessings”. I think someone had posted something on these boards of hers and then I googled her name and this whole page of amazing articles came up. She wrote an amazing one on emotional detaching and dropping the rope.

I will have to check it out. I do agree it's part of dropping the rope. And I feel detached when she's not rummaging through our/my stuff, emptying cupboards, etc.

I would also just be present when she’s there to take the last of her things, change the locks, spruce up your new space and start to own Cards new domain.

I think having her out and changing the locks is going to give me more peace and let me really move on with our space. I have plans for the living room, basement and D11's room (she is picking out a new color scheme, etc.). I bought some new fall decorations (happy Spring to everyone in AU) that the kids really like.

[Pattnee5]

Just checking in Card, making you’re you’re ok

[Sunflyer]

Doom scrolling social media. Twitter generally puts me in a bad mood as 80% of tweets are someone complaining. Complaining about politics, sports, economy, social issues, gun violence, urbanism, Elon Musk, Twitter itself, etc. And then I go to reddit. It used to be a source of laughter and fun. Now it seems to be FILLED with R and M problems. I think a big chunk of redditors are 30-45, and they are now going through D’s left and right. So every time I go on, I hear another 3-4 situations looking for advice, and the advice is ALWAYS divorce.

I'd be absolutely fine with all anti-social media (because that's what most of it is) dying in a fire. All of it. It has contributed hugely to the dumbing down of society everywhere and the fueling of anger and resentment. I only have an account with one of the major providers and sometimes I even regret that. I was never addicted to it and mostly used it to post family events, funny things the kids did, vacations, etc. Now I only post occasionally on it. I'll admit it can have positive uses. (I'm on a couple of groups related to my hobbies and am also on a divorce support group). But on balance, what a dumpster fire.

And it just makes me think of the two women I loved and married, and they both just quit without an ounce of effort with me. They both told me the same line at BD: “I have been trying so hard for so long to make it work.” Absolute bull****

I think a lot of us have been here. “I have been trying so hard for so long to make it work” is a justification proposed by the WAS, codespeak for "I've been putting up with this for a long time." Putting up with something and trying to make it work are, of course, not remotely the same thing.

Hope you're doing better.

[Kind18]

And it just makes me think of the two women I loved and married, and they both just quit without an ounce of effort with me. They both told me the same line at BD: “I have been trying so hard for so long to make it work.” Absolute bull****

That’s what people do. No point getting angry about it.

The number one thing you need to understand is that 90% of people want to be victims. They never want to take responsibility for their own actions or decisions.

It’s easy for her to tell her girlfriends and family “I had to leave, I felt so trapped, I waited so long for him to change.” Because she knows she’ll get sympathy and they’ll reinforce her decision. “Oh babe that sounds so tough, I can’t believe you were so patient, no wonder you ended up having to leave” blah blah blah

It’s the world we live in. You can either get angry about it, or you can accept there’s nothing you can do or say to change it, and get on with living your life.

The biggest problem with society today and the reason for most divorces - is people’s desire to be liked and right and to be victims.

It’s quite likely with divorces that one person is having an emotional or physical affair… I’d guess more than 75%.

How many people come out and tell their family and friends “Hey, I’ve left card because I got bored and wanted to bang the guy from accounts.”

No-one. Ever. The reason for MOST divorces, and yet you’ll never hear anyone admit they cheated.

She’s never going to take responsibility for things. She’s taking the honey because she genuinely believes she deserves it.

You can’t change entitlement. Best to just cut the cord and change the locks now.

Also, who cares about $10 for some honey and nail clippers. I know that for you it’s the principle, but $10 is a small price to pay to get away from this toxic person.

[Card29]

Checking in after a break. It's been a busy week. Out of town at a work conference last week, lots of activities over the weekend. The anger has been a lot better. My counselor's advice to make note of when it pops up, etc has been very helpful. It's been almost exclusively when I discover more items that she's taken. It's helped me control my reaction. The locks will be changed this week.

The grief recovery class was canceled last week due to more than 1/2 of the class having conflicts. We're back this Thursday.

I have an IC appointment in 2 weeks.

Generally, it's been a very good last week. Had some fun events with the kids and also with friends. Football team had a monster win on Saturday and I was at the game celebrating with a group. My voice is still shot from all of the yelling.

One negative is I definitely had too much to drink in a 4 day span. Work conference evening on Wednesday, a friend's punk rock concert on Thursday, then the game Saturday. It didn't feel like burying emotions, just having a good time, but in hindsight I wish I'd had a couple less drinks each day.

The other negative is I'm way off track with the gym right now. I only went twice last week, and I'll need to skip today in order to take S1 to the doctor. That's more important, but I'll need to get back on track starting tomorrow.

I hope everyone is doing okay around here. I'm swamped at work so I'll try to catch up on the other situations later tonight.

[Rockon]

Great to hear from you Card and good update. We are in your corner. I’ll let Kind take the exercise piece.

Something that I learned from a person who got their drinking where they wanted to was to honestly evaluate the benefits of drinking, like specifically what you get out of it, and to question some of the culturally promoted mythical so-called benefits. Then next she experimented on what the sweet spot was: 1 drink, 2, 3?

She discovered that 2 drinks was best for her. I’m not suggesting that a person should or shouldn’t drink - lots of variables to consider. Just emphasizing you are in the drivers seat Card. You control you.