My wife and I have been married over 35 years and have been empty-nesters for almost a decade, with three adult children far away.
My big question here is how much could her change in antidepressant regimen be responsible for the sudden (to me) change in her feelings toward me, or is it just a convenient excuse for me?
My wife gave me the BD a few days ago with these details: I was no longer the man she needed I'm unable to connect to her emotionally the way she needs It's because of certain aspects of my personality she can no longer live with She says I can't change and doesn't want me to I've been a wonderful husband in many areas (dependable, great provider, that kind of stuff) I've been an absolutely wonderful father (no qualifications given there) I deserve someone to love me for myself the way I deserve to be loved There have been many things she hasn't felt comfortable to talk to me about because I can't relate She stated no interest in trying to work things out She still loves me deeply I asked if saying I was not her "soul mate" was accurate, and she said she said that was "too harsh" of a statement
After my wife gave me the BD I couldn't sleep and found this this thread, and thus this forum (and other people in the same boat as me):
I thought our marriage was doing great, we were still madly in love, completely connected by our shared adventures and experiences, our dreams of traveling together, etc.
The 20 years or so of our marriage were loving but often extremely stressful for me. My wife often had outbursts of anger toward me, usually accompanied by verbal abuse (and occasional "mild" physical abuse where she would hit me but not enough to cause injury). She would often apologize and feel remorse after an episode. We both blamed her emotionally-abusive childhood for her anger issues. She went on antidepressants about 15 years ago and I feel it saved our marriage.
About ten days ago she made some kind of change to her regimen because she didn't like how her drugs were dulling her sexual response. Unfortunately I don't even know exactly what she was on I've been afraid to ask for fear of triggering an argument. She said something about "quitting cold turkey". This is complicated by her doctor being on vacation a couple more weeks. I know she tried to reach out to the fill-in doctor but was totally unsatisfied by the answer, so right now she's waiting for her regular doctor to return.
I asked if it was possible her feelings were influenced by her antidepressant change and she insisted it wasn't related, because she's been having these feelings about "us" for years and just felt like telling me now.
I'm still suspicious because she tried to switch antidepressants about two years ago had kind of an emotional crisis, so I believed she resumed her old regimen.
I'm also puzzled by her motivation to ditch her current antidepressants to improve sexual response if she didn't intend on continuing our marriage relationship. We had sex a couple days after she quit her drugs and we agreed it was helping her. Then a couple days later she no longer wants to be married to me. She doesn't give me any indication she's trying to have an affair or anything.
Also she doesn't want me to leave either. She's afraid of being alone. I feel our adult kids would be devastated if we split (we always had a "forever" marriage). I feel it's been a "rock" of stability in their lives as they try to make it on their own.
We have briefly chatted about what it could mean for us to be separate and I'm actually becoming comfortable with the thought of being single again. But sometimes feel so devastated by giving up our future dreams together. However if I do anything "rash" I might feel later that I was totally stupid since she might be influenced by the antidepressant situation.
Right now I'm planning on just being "chill" around home about the situation, being pleasant to be with, continuing with my work and interests, trying to avoid giving her any stress or pressure, and waiting for her doctor to get back to see if there's a medical problem here!
