My Story (2)

[Rockon]

Sunflyer, I can relate. I am on board with those same changes and have come to same realizations. Had to buy a new belt twice because of losing weight but now I am poised to take my fitness to a new level. And same about the wardrobe. Planning to just get rid of out of style and not my best clothes. Have bought new clothes already.

I also have lived my life doing things that are hard. Now I want to add smart and wise to my approach.

[Sunflyer]

Went to a retirement workshop at work yesterday. Not because I am planning on retiring soon, but to become more informed so I can gauge my own financial future in light of what is going on in my M right now.

Basically, as long as I can avoid getting taken to the cleaners in the separation agreement, my future looks pretty good. The boys can remain on my health insurance until their 26th birthdays, even if I retire before then, so they are set. I will be set as well for health coverage, with my job-related insurance acting as supplement to Medicare. I also found out (something I didn't know) that with my plan, my Medicare premiums should be at least partially reimbursable. The only coverage I would have to buy is for items not covered by my main plan (such as optical, for example).

W could have had health coverage via my insurance plan for the remainder of her life, even if I predeceased her. Talk about throwing away the Willy Wonka golden ticket.

(Note: I would never tell someone to stay in a marriage for money. But if they were thinking of getting out, I would suggest that they weigh the whole picture against the problem that exists and consider all the benefits of working it out vs. ending the M).

S17 has a four-day weekend, and is home from college. He got in last night after 9:00 and immediately ran out to his favorite chain food establishment, which doesn't exist in the much smaller city where he attends college. Glad to see him. The downside to this is that W's parents will be coming around to see him as well. I will be polite and keep interaction to a minimum.

Going to take him to see my older sister in a little while. W remains obsessed and furious with the fact that my sister has cut W out of her life. Her latest statement to this effect (today) was via text, so I simply ignored it.

[Sunflyer]

Continuing and advancing my self-focused agenda, one little step at a time, for this week:

Haircut, check. Keeping that hair shorter, as I've come to like it.

New toothpaste and aftershave, check. Like the way they make me feel and smell.

[Ready2Change]

Find a few different watches you like and make wearing them a part of your new wardrobe.

Google these: PD-1638 AND SD1954 as a starting point. Good quality for the price. Alliexpress has great prices if you don't mind waiting a few weeks for delivery.

[Sunflyer]

Find a few different watches you like and make wearing them a part of your new wardrobe.

Google these: PD-1638 AND SD1954 as a starting point. Good quality for the price. Alliexpress has great prices if you don't mind waiting a few weeks for delivery.

Thanks for the tip, R2C. I will check those out. Oddly, one other thing I have been thinking about adding is jewelry. That’s another thing I’ve never been big on, but I discovered a few old pieces I had in a drawer and that got me interested. Those are from W, so they won’t do. Need something new. I like rings. Maybe a new signet ring or something along those lines as well. The old rings are kind of loose anyway, as I weighed quite a bit more when I got them.

I doubt that W would ask where or why I got the various new stuff I’m buying, but if she asks, I don’t think I owe her an explanation. I feel like I might say I bought it for myself or it was a birthday gift from a friend, if I wanted to be cheeky. (My birthday is coming up).

[Valeska19]

Thanks for the tip, R2C. I will check those out. Oddly, one other thing I have been thinking about adding is jewelry. That’s another thing I’ve never been big on, but I discovered a few old pieces I had in a drawer and that got me interested. Those are from W, so they won’t do. Need something new. I like rings. Maybe a new signet ring or something along those lines as well. The old rings are kind of loose anyway, as I weighed quite a bit more when I got them.

Love this for you Sun. These little acts of loving yourself compounds and over time you will see yourself more confident and worth fighting for.

[Sunflyer]

Subject: Holiday Forecast

Looking for some input here.

Haven't had much interaction with in laws the last couple of months. However, couldn't avoid seeing them Saturday since S17 is home from college and they wanted to see him. This included
them staying at our house for several hours.

Relations between myself and them have clearly gotten worse, despite the fact that I haven't been around them. FIL, who was cordial shortly after BD, has become more remote. Other than a reluctant greeting and farewell, he wouldn't even respond to a simple "Thank you" save for calling me by my nickname and staring off into the distance. W and MIL traded snide remarks about me when I was out of the room and assumed I couldn't hear them. I might as well have been paint on the wall.

None of this is having a positive effect on my mental health.

After BD, W was selling a narrative that "we will always be family" to my sister, which didn't sit well with her, leading to my sister cutting W out of her life and W's ongoing fury at her for doing so. Obviously, the events of Saturday are at odds with W's claim that "we will always be family."

W has already mentioned Thanksgiving once. I've decided that I need to pull the plug on my involvement in any family gatherings where W's family are involved. This is how it is going to be going forward anyway. I don't need a piece of paper signed by a judge to know when a family unit is finished.

I don't think she anticipates my doing this. I've toyed with different ways of telling her, thinking that the best is just to say, "I won't be there." Knowing her, she will probably try to prompt for more and ask if this means Christmas, etc. also. I'm assuming that if she asks for a reason, I shouldn't give her one...just end the convo as quickly as possible.

They'll also be staying here for a week or so in early November after W has her next surgery. I'm guessing that my outlook for that is some prime GAL time and being at home as little as possible.

[Rockon]

Makes sense Sunflyer. I thanked MIL and W for the invite and declined saying I had plans.

AMD yes post op recovery and hosting in laws. Take great care of yourself. Make home a healing and peaceful environment for you and immediate family and have good boundaries with in laws.

[Sunflyer]

Another question, if anyone wants to interject (also welcome continuing advice on holiday plans):

S17 has been with his GF for a few months now. Their relationship is exclusive and serious at this point.

I like his girlfriend. She is generally nice, BUT I find it hard to form a relationship with her.

W has informed me (via son's GF's mother) that she is a high-functioning autistic. Intellectually, she functions fine, but she is extremely quiet. Quiet as in, when she comes into the house I don't even know she is there half the time. Quiet as in, when she sees me, she looks right through me as if I am not there. She does not initiate greeting. I feel she is not comfortable with me. And I thought I was introverted. She is my level of quiet times two.

W and MIL resent that I don't have a relationship with her. I want to remedy this mainly for my son's sake rather than theirs, since I value my relationship with him most highly.

Anyone else have a child's SO that is hard to break the ice with?

[Valeska19]

Haven't had much interaction with in laws the last couple of months. However, couldn't avoid seeing them Saturday since S17 is home from college and they wanted to see him. This included them staying at our house for several hours.

Sounded lika good opportunity for you to get out and GAL during that time. It helps take care of you and also provides your S an opportunity to spend time with W's family comfortably.

After BD, W was selling a narrative that "we will always be family" to my sister, which didn't sit well with her, leading to my sister cutting W out of her life and W's ongoing fury at her for doing so. Obviously, the events of Saturday are at odds with W's claim that "we will always be family."

This is typical confusing WAS spew. Don't give it an ounce of energy.

W has already mentioned Thanksgiving once. I've decided that I need to pull the plug on my involvement in any family gatherings where W's family are involved. This is how it is going to be going forward anyway. I don't need a piece of paper signed by a judge to know when a family unit is finished.

I don't think she anticipates my doing this. I've toyed with different ways of telling her, thinking that the best is just to say, "I won't be there." Knowing her, she will probably try to prompt for more and ask if this means Christmas, etc. also. I'm assuming that if she asks for a reason, I shouldn't give her one...just end the convo as quickly as possible.

I think it's a good time to ask yourself what YOU want for the holiday season. Is it in your home or at another family members? Where would your S like to be? If I were you - I would just take the lead here. Make a plan and communicate it early. If your wife gets upset - so be it. She doesn't get to "act like a family" part time (You do not say this to her of course).

They'll also be staying here for a week or so in early November after W has her next surgery. I'm guessing that my outlook for that is some prime GAL time and being at home as little as possible.

Good Idea!

W has informed me (via son's GF's mother) that she is a high-functioning autistic. Intellectually, she functions fine, but she is extremely quiet. Quiet as in, when she comes into the house I don't even know she is there half the time. Quiet as in, when she sees me, she looks right through me as if I am not there. She does not initiate greeting. I feel she is not comfortable with me. And I thought I was introverted. She is my level of quiet times two.

How about doing a little research or asking your S about her autism? Obviously every situation is different - but Autistic folks are usually quiet, can sometimes lack social skills. They like it quiet because they can get easily overstimulated by noise

Try not to take it personal. Just sit in silence with her if she doesn't want to talk. Keep if soft if she does. It's only been a few months. These things take time.

W and MIL resent that I don't have a relationship with her. I want to remedy this mainly for my son's sake rather than theirs, since I value my relationship with him most highly.

Who gives a rats @ss what they think! Focus on your S and what he thinks of the situation.