H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

MrP

Thank you for your encouragement and giving me the recommendation of the book.

OMG—Patience! I’ve never had to have so much patience before and it was sorely tested this week. Yesterday was a terrible day, but upon reflection today, I realise my part in what has evolved over the week. H and I had a wonderful weekend last weekend. We had to go to a Family event on my side and H was extremely attentive and supportive. More so, than he has ever been in front of my family. H went back to his place early on in the week.He picked a fight over the phone and I immediately got off the phone without reacting and ignored a spray of hostile texts. I knew what was coming. H wants to be in contact with XW. Thanks to having access to phone records, I have been able to verify that this is exactly why he picks fights. Picking fights, contacting XW correlate. A scientific mind knows that correlation does not mean causation. I get that! But, this is how it is and now that I know, I can avoid.

So… I ignored H the next day and went on with my day. I responded to a ‘goodnight x’ text for. H with the same and picked up his call the next morning. We talked on and off on the phone during the day. H ended up picking another fight. The next morning, I checked on his call usage and there is was—a late night, hour long conversation with XW and other calls to her the next day and the day after that. I didn’t react to H. I wanted to expose what I knew with him because I was so angry and hurt with him. Why? Why does he need to be in touch with her to that extent and why are we having such a great time and he still wants something from her? What the hell are they talking about late at night? This is so hurtful!!!!

I’m not kidding, I have been devastated. I have been ruminating and obsessing. I have cried and cried—a deep, deep sadness. I was supposed to be at his place and I chose not to go. I just realised I can’t be in his presence anymore when I don’t have the confidence. It is not the time for me to be vulnerable in front of H. I so badly wanted to call my SIL and expose them both. I wanted to tell my family too. But… But I didn’t. I have held off until my feelings passed and I grieved a little bit more.

What I have come to realise is that, I have been given the evidence as a ‘gift’ to consolidate that I was not going mad and H and XW are involved in a EA possibly more than that. Now that I know, checking on his calls to her does not serve any purpose other than to destroy my confidence and peace of mind. I keep asking the question now… Do my actions serve my goals of bringing me closer to having a better marriage and life? Checking on his calls does not. Nor does exposing his lying and deceit. My Primary goal right now is to attract H back to me and my marriage and building my confidence and my life so I can live a fulfilling life that helps both of us. Everything else I’m doing is working. His contact with XW has halved since I have been DBing and doing my 180’s. We don’t fight as much anymore. XW is not trying to be in his presence during the time we are together which used to happen nearly every weekend since we got married. H is more affectionate and present in our M when we are together, there is progress and I have to keep my eye on the prize. It was patience and not reacting that got me through yesterday. I look for Intuitive thought and I pray when I don’t know what else to do. Which leads me to now replying to Valeska.

Kanga