Sooo many unknowns

[Pattnee5]

Hi Whatlee, welcome and I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You are not alone and you will find so much support and info through these forums as well as some amazing advice from all the vets who have walked this path. It truly isn’t for the faint hearted.
I just want to say I am in a very similar place to you. My H BD a week before Christmas last year. And then it’s been one blow after the next.Initially I did everything wrong, begging crying, taking all the blame that he threw at me, doing 100% of everything with the kids to make his life easy etc. the more it went on the more research and reading I did and realised he was in a MLC. He is almost 49. Nobody believes me, nobody understands.
Friends/family they just push you to hurry up and end the pain so they can feel better. They don’t understand the crisis. They don’t understand how the man you have known and loved and know better than anyone, has basically been abducted by an alien. That’s the easiest way I explain it. They do things that is not them. Selfish behaviour, no thought at all for anyone else. My H has become a recluse, drinks a lot, is constantly in sweatpants and often massive bouts of anger at me or the kids. I completely agree that unless someone has been through it they don’t understand the full extent. They just brush it aside like it’s a Hollywood movie. I too can see the pain in my H eyes. His face and his eyes just look vacant, emotionally unavailable and just so very lost. He looks like he has aged 5 years too. I have never see him look so average. A man who always smelled amazing always took a lot of pride in his appearance, now sometimes doesn’t even brush their teeth.
It really is a sad state.

My advice is learn to detach from him and his actions. As women we often always put ourselves last. Always put our spouses first our kids first and forget about ourselves. It’s time to put yourself first and leave him be. Let his wallow in his cave and hopefully he will find his way through. We can’t help them.
If we help them or try to drag them through it, they will just do this again in the future. They have made their bed now need to sleep in it. And sometimes their path is a long and tiring one.

I wish I had an amazing happy ending for you on my end. I don’t. The recent developments is my H has decided to move overseas for a few years for a job and abandon me and the kids( he never would had ever done this in the past). So he is running. And I am not. I am rock solid here for my kids and for me. He needs to go live his reality and work himself out. We can’t help them, we can’t do anything for them other than be there for them when they emerge and decide for ourselves if we still have enough room in our heart.
I am still mourning the loss of my real H, not this MLC one. The real one has gone. We all love the real version of them, the old version. These broken versions are not what we love or what is healthy for us. They can’t have healthy relationships like this.
It took me quite a while to drop the emotional rope. It goes against everything you feel. But once you drop it, you really can start to invest on yourself
Keep posting and keep
Asking for advice. Welcome to the worst roller coaster of your life. We will get through this and come out the other side much better stronger women