How does H respond when you’ve previously invited him to join you? Does he attend church with you?
Generally, someone looking to “get away” will distance themselves from pursuit. This ramps up a lot higher for a person in crisis. They run from pressure. Emotional pressure. Things like relationship talks, invites, wanting to date, hold hands, etc.
Do more of what works, and less of what doesn’t.
For example. It’s ok to invite see if H would like to come along on a family picnic. You’re going on the picnic whether H comes or not. All you are doing is letting him know you are going, and he is welcome to attend if he wants to.
Same for church, picking out Christmas tress, going to a birthday party, etc. And importantly, you don’t “invite” him to everything you are doing. In fact, don’t.
Whatever his response is - doesn’t matter. What I mean is, expectations. Dial your expectations down to zero regarding H. He might tag along, he might blow up, he might ignore you. Whatever. You keep moving forward, and go about your life. Leave him to God. Let H be mad, or sad, or angry, or such. He has a lot of depression and torment to work through, let him brood.
Unmet expectations create resentments. If you were to invite H to something. And you deep down expect him to say yes (or even no), and he does the opposite, you will resent it, and him. Resentment builds. And eats away like acid at a relationship. Another reason for giving plenty of time and space, and letting go.
Like I alluded to above with “or even no”. This resentment even occurs when you expect H do something negative and he surprises you and does something positive. The aforementioned example. Invite to picnic, while you truly expect H to say no. Then he actually says yes. (What?!? Of all the $#%. Every time I ask he says no! And now this time he say yes. WTF. This guy is driving me crazy. Sheesh. I only asked to be polite. I have other plans. Arggg.) Keeping expectations dialled to zero takes some practice.
Hope vs expectations.
It’s good to hope. Hope is timeless. It’s when one ties a timeline or deadline on to hope that it becomes an expectation. Nothing kills hope let a deadline. Remember, unmet expectations lead to resentment. Hope is an incredible wellspring of strength and fortitude, and can be easily and unwittingly be poison by expectations.
Anyhow, back to your query.
H is not acting like a husband you deserve. He moved out all the furniture. Left you to live in a friend’s backyard. Over the past year he has still had some benefits, cake eating, conjugal visits. He has presented you with a petition for divorce. I suggest letting him be. No more invites.
H needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship. He needs to miss what he is throwing away, before he may turn back. Realize, in his mind, he has incorrectly demonize and blamed you and the relationship for all his ills and pains. In his fantasy narrative, H believes he will feel better if he gets away. And a fantasy needs a good strong dose of reality to break it. And even then, it is very difficult for the dreamer to smash through and awaken. Most folks, not just crisis folks, most folks don’t want to wake up. Accountability and responsibility are seldom embraced and truly sought out.
How did you and your lawyer respond to H’s divorce proposal? Was H’s offer generous? Fair? Lopsided? Terrible?
Keep moving forwards. When needed, respond to H’s legal proceedings. Other than that, let him be. No pressure. No R talks. No cake eating. No sitting around pinning for him. Focus on you. Live and love your life. Let him feel and hopefully realize what he is throwing away.
Standing is not standing still.
What are your plans regarding your living arrangements going into the future? Make plans for you!
Hope you have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
