Sooo many unknowns

[DnJ]

Good Morning What

Gosh, what a shock it would have been to come home to an empty apartment. Thank goodness your friend made available her backyard for you to park a camper.

I have probably done every "Dont" in this situation. I have begged, pleaded, bought gifts, paid his car payment, conjugal visits, I have probably done stuff not on the list, I pray it hasn't pushed him so far away that there is no return.

Yes, begging, pleading, and so on we’ve all done it. You could twisting yourself into pretzel and no matter what you do it won’t be enough, because his pain is not about you.

You now know the folly of such pretzeling. Give H time and space. Leave him to a higher power. Let the man upstairs work upon his heart and soul.

And don’t fret, you’ve not pushed H too far away. His path is not of your control. H may, or may not, awaken from the crisis that has consumed him. What you can control is to become the best version of yourself. Regardless of H and his path. Become a woman only a fool would leave.

Divorce Busting techniques and strategies first and foremost save you, while also giving you the best chance at saving your marriage.

Take another read of DR and the last resort technique section. That’s the idea here. You let H burn through his feelings sans you. To give time and space for other feelings more helpful to your cause to surface within H. Feelings like grief, shame, regret, and such. Feelings that H is actively running from.

I know it’s difficult. Focus on you. GAL. Detach.

Give the lighthouse story in the welcome links a read. That’s an excellent solid foundation and way to shine your light.

He had quadruple bypass in January, I was wondering how that affects what he is already going through?

A crisis brings forth great fears and realizations of one’s mortality. Such a surgery would likely amplify those feelings and further their compulsion to run. For a few, I could see such major surgery could have the opposite affect, an awakening affect, the snapping them out of it. These kind of awakenings are very rare. And given H’s surgery was back in January, and he continued running, I’d say that didn’t happen.

Weeks after the BD he was so irrational like a chicken with his head cut off, opening up separate acts, looking for second jobs, walking around with 2 cell phones hanging out with a 25yr old co-worker, smoking pot, drinking.

Sounds like replay. A MLCer runs during this time. They try all kinds of stuff. Behaviours to feel what they feel they missed out on their first go around. Some running behaviours include spending, drinking, drugs, illicit and/or illegal activities, affairs, and so on.

Affairs are staggeringly common in these situations. Do realize all of these behaviours are mere symptoms of a crisis. The affair partner, if they exist, means nothing. They are a band-aid, a desperate attempt for the MLCer to feel better. Well, in truth, to feel less worse. It’s an act of desperation.

Desperate people do desperate things.

September 7th, two days before his bday I received divorce papers, they were generic but he paid an atty lots of money for them, they were basic. I guess he wasn't expecting me to afford an atty, and I couldn't but God has place the right people in my life at the right time and I have a guardian angel that paid for my atty. I needed to file a response within 30 days and he wasn't expecting me to be able to do that, if I wouldn't have he would have been divorced not giving me anything. I don't want this and I didn't choose it. I'm still believing for a miracle and praying he snaps out of it.

You are on two paths: There is the emotional and healing path. Your journey to becoming. Your journey to wholeness and healed. This is the bulk of your work.

The other path is the business side of all this. Divorce, separation, treat it like a business deal gone bad or sideways. For that’s what it is.

Now, if you need financial protect or security then get it. Otherwise let H push his divorce forward. Let H own it.

Some MLCers spend little and some burn through the couple’s entire life’s savings. Do keep watch of any still joint assets and liabilities. After a year, and H’s hurried creating new accounts weeks after BD, and no house by the sounds of it, I’m thinking financially you may be rather insulated from H’s financial problems.

I do recommend posters speak to a lawyer early on. That is just for gathering information. After all, knowledge is power. And if their spouse changes course suddenly or ramps up proceedings, they are better prepared to respond.

That’s the nugget here. Let H drive his divorce. You don’t place boulders on the path, yet you don’t pave it in gold either. You take any formal proposals to your lawyer and then respond. Ensure you get a fair deal.

H has presented you a divorce proposal. I’m glad you have a lawyer and are seeking legal counsel. This is the business side of things, keep emotions out of your decisions. Do what’s logical and right for you. Treat it as business.

I understand you do not want to do any of this. And yes, you didn’t choose this. You do control how you respond to it. Remember, you cannot nice him back. Pretzeling does not work. If H is pushing for a D, get the best deal you can. In fact, that is more likely to have a positive influence on H than not.

I feel like at times I am crazy, I just want him to wake up.

You are not crazy. You are entangled in H’s strange behaviour and world. MLC is wild. I was quite dumbfounded when my W went off the rails.

These situations, the advice, is all rather counterintuitive at first. It will likely sound and feel wrong for a while. Have faith. Detach, let go, and step away from H’s rollercoaster. Let him ride it without you.

D