Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

I'm looking forward to seeing your progress after your H leaves. You have made a ton, and that's with him in and out of your daily life. It's a shame he is abandoning his kids, and maybe it's the rock bottom he needs. But I am confident it's going to be a great thing for you. The alcohol abuse, and especially lying about it, is yet another red flag. There is no repairing a R with someone who is abusing a substance.

Thanks Card. I hope it will really be my time to shine when he is gone, and I can start to heal my heart whole. I still feel some days I’m “faking it to make it” but who knows really. It’s still a roller coaster of emotions but it’s my own roller coaster now at least. I’m no longer on his crazy ride. For now i just feel emotionally numb. I do miss intimacy, I miss being held at night or holding hands or just having someone to enjoy a movie and a cuddle, or being passionately kissed.It would be nice to feel those feeling again one day. I’m not ready for a rebound yet, although everyone keeps telling me I need one asap, and I already have people trying to set me up.

He’s tying up his plans at the moment with his company and mentioned tonight he will get $30k a year more and almost got so excited about it. I just rolled my eyes. Like it was anything to celebrate about. Anyone could have offered me millions of dollars and I never would have chosen money over my H and fighting for our marriage and love and family.No money in the world was worth more than him to me ( or the old him) Great to see for a measly $30k a year he is prepared to choose money above all else. I don’t recognise this money hungry man but I think his family have got alot to do with the background noise here and him trying to compete. I might Throw in a snarky comment about what our life was worth before he goes. No holding back these days I just don’t care, I bit my tongue for so long and I am sure I’ll unleash before he goes. He can hear all the home truths that hurt. I don’t think he will hit rock bottom for even admit anything to be honest. He’s going to bury his head in the sand and just bury himself in work.

The substance abuse is not fun. He has an “addictive” personality or so he keeps self diagnosing. I’m positive eventually it leads to worse things. A life with a recluse who cycles between working, gaming and drinking really is not a life for me. The MLC alien ain’t giving him back anytime soon. I can see him still in this cycle years from now. It’s so very sad.

As for me well like everyone it’s going to be a long road to healing and being whole again❤️‍🩹.No doubt I’ll find my peace one day.