Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Every time I read these updates, I picture this man in my head as this grumpy, sullen guy who walks around staring at his shoes, lost in his own anger and occasionally paying attention when something wakes him up. Probably not reality but that's the way I see him.
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HaHa no not quite Sun. Generally he walks around and functions as normal, puts on the mask and acts all normal. Everything is however a “chore”. He has no joy or life in him. It’s like he has to tick off boxes of things he needs to do. Living with him foe 20 years I can clearly see him, his pain, his torment. My family day he looks like rubbish, looking older, greyer and just can see the misery in his eyes. He doesn’t smile much or laugh much everything is an effort. Ok so maybe you are seeing him correctly. Hahaha he is just going through motions. Definitely miserable and angry, and pushes the anger down so you can see it bubbling away. Add alcohol and personality changes again.
I was trying to think back when I last experienced the H I once loved. It’s been a very long time. Over 18 months. I have lost all hope that anything will wake him up now. He’s gone for good I think. I still haven’t fully buried my hope but it does die along the way. It’s so very sad I felt I could stand forever for him, be his lighthouse forever. But I don’t think he’s a man who’s capable of getting myself through this and he will be one of those miserable souls stuck.