My Story (2)

[Sunflyer]

Latest update: made some progress on the financial statement, but then W went silent again on what's next. Have heard nothing from her L and frankly don't care when I do.

Going to see S17 at college next weekend. Campus is open for parents. He seems to be doing well overall, but there has been a lot of communicable disease spreading across campus lately, and unfortunately he got mono. His GF tested negative twice, but has now come down with something nasty; doctors think possibly tonsillitis. Flu and COVID tests both negative. Hope they are both feeling better.

W and I have occasional interactions regarding kids and parental matters. They are positive, and she is not unpleasant with me. She continues to make meals for me when she's home. No indications from her on any change of heart, nor do I expect any, frankly. I just STFU up and move on with my day.

Feel pretty good about myself these days. I continue to gradually clean up my downstairs space; it's going to have to be renovated regardless of what the future holds. I am on a music kick of late and play some music everyday, which helps my mood. Pursuing hobbies as well, and work has picked up. Busy.

Reserved a beach house for two weekends next season. Something W probably would not have been interested in and something I've never done before. Will invite the boys as custody agreement may permit. Gives me something to look forward to.

[Card29]

Great updates, Sunflyer. When you say play music, you're putting it on a speaker? Or you're playing an instrument? I'm assuming speaker

There's nothing like a beach house vacation

[Sunflyer]

Great updates, Sunflyer. When you say play music, you're putting it on a speaker? Or you're playing an instrument? I'm assuming speaker

There's nothing like a beach house vacation

Card:

Yes, listening on speakers. I wish I was musically inclined myself, but I’m not really. I listen in the car, sometimes on headphones, and I have an inexpensive surround sound system in the basement. I’ve gotten into the surround sound remixes of music that are becoming more and more common nowadays. If it’s something I know well, it’s fun to hear it mixed for four or five speakers instead of two. Makes older music sound new in a way.

[Pattnee5]

If it’s something I know well, it’s fun to hear it mixed for four or five speakers instead of two. Makes older music sound new in a way.

I’m curious to what qualifies as “older” music😂. Music is so good for the soul
Nothing beats some good tunes and dancing around like you just don’t care

[Sunflyer]

If it’s something I know well, it’s fun to hear it mixed for four or five speakers instead of two. Makes older music sound new in a way.

I’m curious to what qualifies as “older” music😂. Music is so good for the soul
Nothing beats some good tunes and dancing around like you just don’t care

Yep. To me, older music is most of the music I listen to lol. Almost every artist I like started their career from the 1960's to the 1980's. Any new albums I listen to are usually by any of these old geezers that are still alive and kicking lol.

The number of artists I could name who started their careers post-1980s drops off. Nirvana and some of the 90s grunge bands come to mind, and I know a few rappers and some of the new country artists because my sons listen to that, and I know who Taylor Swift is. But if I had to name five songs by any of these people I couldn't do it. But I could recite the entire track list of a Bruce Springsteen or R.E.M. album from memory. That was my youth, late 60s to early 80s and that's where my music sweet spot hits.

[Sunflyer]

So here is where my head is at nowadays. Comments are welcome, but I'm really just looking to journal some thoughts here for my own sake, and to crystallize the ideas. Feel a need to get this stuff out.

A future R with W is untenable given her current mindset. In the past, we've been on the same page regarding the big stuff: fidelity, children, each other. Now, a crisis has occurred, and we are viewing it from diametrically opposed mindsets. I am viewing it as a crucible through which growth can occur, and we could come out the other side stronger and better for having gone through it. She is viewing it as time to wave the white flag.

I've invested many years of my life in doing things that are hard. I've accomplished things that would defeat 95% of people. "Hard" is my friend. Nothing worth getting in my life has taken less than years to achieve. (On at least one occasion, it took decades). I don't say "I can't" or "This is too difficult." I hang on like a bulldog until I get it.

Someone who doesn't think what should be the most important relationship in their life is worth fighting for isn't someone I can live with successfully. I have made mistakes. I have flaws. I will work to correct them, but I will also embrace them, because they make me human.

I can see in my mind the better life I want and that I deserve. It may be with a partner, it may be alone, but I am looking ahead to it, because I am absolutely worthy of it.

I won't be dragged down by "I can't" or "I won't" or anyone who thinks it's impossible.

[Pattnee5]

Now, a crisis has occurred, and we are viewing it from diametrically opposed mindsets. I am viewing it as a crucible through which growth can occur, and we could come out the other side stronger and better for having gone through it. She is viewing it as time to wave the white flag.

I've invested many years of my life in doing things that are hard. I've accomplished things that would defeat 95% of people. "Hard" is my friend. Nothing worth getting in my life has taken less than years to achieve.

I think this is extremely common mindsets in crisis mode. My H exhibits exactly the same mindset. Whereas I see this as an opportunity to grow, to strengthen the relationship, to work together snd solve any issues and come away stronger and better than ever, he has absolutely no mindset to even want to try for a second. In the early days of Bd I did all the wrong things but grew withing myself, made some very big personal changes. I have always been a positive and determined person. Only a few years ago he used to say he loved that about me so much my determination my drive. Now it all means nothing. I used to tell him post Bd we can use this as a way to start a new beginning together work on our issues and build something solid. He couldn’t give a flying f…. In what I was saying. I threw 100% at it and he didn’t even give it 5%. Just sat back expecting his life to magically improve expecting to magically feel better.

I think this is part of their twisted mind journey. They literally become useless and have so much emotional turmoil they can’t sort out let alone want to work with a spouse because remember we are their cause of all their issues lol.

Early in I really thought I could save the marriage even if he wasn’t giving any effort. It took me a while to realise that it’s not possible. It really does need two people to want to work and want to save it. So I just shifted the focus from “saving the marriage” to “saving myself”. I think that’s all we can do until they ever decide to come through their headspace and actually share our values and our attitude

[Sunflyer]

Early in I really thought I could save the marriage even if he wasn’t giving any effort. It took me a while to realise that it’s not possible. It really does need two people to want to work and want to save it. So I just shifted the focus from “saving the marriage” to “saving myself”. I think that’s all we can do until they ever decide to come through their headspace and actually share our values and our attitude

Yep, they have to buy in eventually. If they don't, well...we led them to water, and if they would rather go thirsty, not our problem.

[Sunflyer]

Again just crystallizing/journaling more thoughts...things I've done for myself and some things I want to do...

Implemented:

1. Talks with W limited to parenting and managing the family. R is never brought up.
2. Behaviors that could be interpreted as pushy have ceased. No words of affection, no discussion of my views on divorce for four months. She knows my feelings on the matter. No offering to help her with tasks. If she asks, I will consider, but I won't solve problems for her. (Her next round of surgery is coming up, so I may once again have to help with some things she will not physically be able to do).
3. Enjoying my hobbies and pastimes more. Had a hard time enjoying them in the first two months post-BD.
4. Started wearing hair shorter. Like it and will continue.
5. Hygiene: getting new toothpaste (yup, decided I don't like the one that is around the house and won't just continue using it because it is convenient). Have never been much of a cologne or aftershave kind of guy but went to the store and found an aftershave whose scent I like. Going to add that to my routine too.
6. Making plans for what I want out of my life in the future, whether W is there or not. I think about the future every single day, concentrating on the positive aspects of it.
7. Engaging with my boys "on their level," trying to take greater interest in what they like, even if their interests differ from mine.

Want to do:

1. Still feel I am short-changing myself on time spent on fun/GAL. Need to ramp that up more.
2. Need to increase physical activity. Have lost ten pounds but feel I could take off a few more.
3. Need to start sorting wardrobe and tossing stuff I don't want or don't use and think about replacements.

[Sunflyer]

Forgot one...

8. No engagement with in-laws. If I see them, I am polite and greet them but minimize any other contact.