H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[Valeska19]

Cadet! Thank you… Yes I have the knowledge and without revealing it, it is power and I’m starting to use it more.

And this is how it’s working. So, it’s been a week since I posted and H had a dream last weekend that he was having an affair and how he felt terrible about it. Interestingly, I had found out in the dream and confronted him and he was devastated. When he told me about the dream, I asked him would he tell me if he did and he said yes!! It seems H is coming of denial!

How is H coming out of it? It seems like he is willing to lie straight to your face... or am I missing something here.

Since Ive found the evidence, I have handed it over to my Higher Power and prayed about it. I’ve decided to be my usual, loving self around H, at the same time getting the hang of setting boundaries. When I know that H and XW have been in touch, I lay very low the next day. I make myself as unreachable as I possibly can.

I can see how this is a boundary as in it protects you and provides a little safe care.... but wouldn't the boundary be more of. "H.. if you decide to talk with XW... I am going to need to distance myself"

Not only has H shared his affair dream with me, he also brought me flowers on the weekend. They were beautiful. I’m sure he did this for several reasons, guilt being one of them. I don’t care the reason why, it’s wonderful to have them because he used to bring me flowers a lot and doesn’t do it much anymore except when he has been mean and wants to make some sort of amends. H was very affectionate and helpful. He did some maintenance jobs around the house and farm. For over a year, he hasn’t really done a lot of that neither, he would usually pick a fight and want to leave. H didn’t do that. He stayed until it was time to go. H also did the same the weekend before.

This week he has kept up the Affair contact with XW and it hurts a lot. It’s not as bad as it was. Another thing that happened is that he rang me and cried because he is not happy in life. I have not heard him cry like he did for such a long time. It was great he was coming to me to share his pain. H got off the phone quickly when he revealed his pain, but even still, I took this as a positive. Interestingly, he rang XW not long after. I really believe the pain he feeling is because he is lying to me and he feels terrible.

This feels like a little bit like cake eating to me.

As much as all of this hurts, like Cadet said, I have power now and I’m using it. I’m showing more interest in H which is a 180 for me, yet at times, doing my own thing in his company which is another 180. I don’t mention XW ever (another 180) and I’m praising and thanking H for all the good things he does and I’m vigilant about it (another 180). During the week when we are not together and especially when I know he has been talking to XW, I don’t answer his calls for the majority of the day and have great excuses as to why. H was supposed to call me late last which is a usual time, but he rang late. I didn’t answer and I text him to say goodnight and sleep well. I’m confident he was talking to XW as he rang her a few times yesterday. It hurts sooooo much.

Did I miss it somewhere that you were an avoidant wife? I feel like thee 180 is becoming less available so this feels a little contradictory.

To be frank, I have spent hours on the internet looking for ways on how to end affairs and a lot of what is being said is to confront your partner and sometimes the AP. I have done this so much in my M that it just brought them closer together. I cannot stress enough that the DB approach is effective, and really patience is the key. I accept and pray for all that is happening instead of reacting which is so hard to do. I have always lacked patience and am impulsive by nature.

This is 100% a normal reaction to research the h3ll out of something.

The contact between the two of them clearly hurts you... What is in your control that can help minimize the pain fro you?