Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Update from my end: Detaching my life away, one day at a time

I think I am getting better at the full and total detachment now. If I don’t already have it.I seem to have locked a lot of my emotions feelings love etc away from H now. I read heartsblessings stuff a few weeks back and realised I was really starting to detach. She’s a wise woman( I don’t like all the religious stuff but there’s some amazing bits in her articles).
Those feelings of love etc are still there for H but just deeply buried now and locked away where they don’t control me and that’s where they will stay unless miraculously he finally gets through his crisis and decides he wants to return and rebuild( and that’s only if I decide I want to join him but those feelings won’t be making any sort of hasty exit that’s for sure. I’ve built up a pretty big wall around them every day )

I realised I’m just not bothered by his words or behaviour anymore. It’s almost like I just don’t care.What he does it says just doesn’t matter anymore. I am wholeheartedly putting me first and not even giving him a second thought. I realised a while ago I was done putting myself last for the best part of 10 months since BD. I don’t get scared for his reactions, or chasing him down if he’s had a moment of anger or meltdown trying worry about fixing it because he got upset. I see now how silly I was, he always made me feel like I was at fault and I was forever chasing him down to apologise when he would have his MLC meltdown. What for? Goodness me I was silly.My mum absolutely ripped into him recently and I was present and I just didn’t even say anything just sat there and listened and watch him unravel( not surprisingly he would throw the blame on me at every opportunity when he was attacked) but I just let her go to town with her words to him. She is extremely furious and hurt about his abandoning the kids.

I don’t know yet if I am fully 100% detached but I’m doing pretty good. Example to follow below from my weekend update-

So my absolutely favourite Aussie rules team won the premiership on Saturday. It’s a big national sport here and our whole state literally goes into a shutdown mode. We all catch up and watch it with friends in bars at houses etc. it’s been many years between premierships so this was a huge deal. I’ve been doing “grand final day” with the same group of highschool friends and partners for 22 years now. H used to be a part of it too and had been involved for a good part of 20 years until he decided to mess his whole world up. This year they decided a pub for lunch and to watch the game. D was watching it with my family at my brothers and S doesn’t really care so H offered to be with him and have a boys day. From the moment I left the house I just switched H out of my mind. He sent a few messages throughout the day which I didn’t even respond to, one being a comment about the halftime show, then followed up with a picture of S who had cooked something. Honestly I was just too immersed in the game to even want to respond even though I saw the messages, I had better things to do.
Post game as the day wore on H sent another message “what time will you be home”. Mind you he was at our house with S so when I got home he would leave( yes he’s still living in squalor where the kids can’t stay with him) I just responded if he needed to leave to organise someone to sit with S until I returned. He then sent some more ramblings about taking my time and have a good time et.
When I finally returned home he was acting very very weird, strange, avoidant and packing up in a hurry to leave no eye contact just strange but at least not angry or verbal. He had def been drinking and their boys day involved basically him sitting and gaming for 90% of the day as I found out from S. the other 10% was cooking food. Who cares not my problem. He didn’t say anything and just stormed out angrily.
I did find a whole bottle of Vodka accidentally in the bin as I was looking for something D had lost. Certainly wasn’t there earlier in the day. It was buried in a bag but because I had to find a receipt for something D purchased I stumbled across it.He had consumed a full 700ml. I just shrugged it off and didn’t really care. Sunday I got up early and took the kids out for the day. H started messaging after lunch asking where we were etc and if he could come around later.
I just responded “ as long as you’re not weird like last night”
Later in the day when he came around he apologised ( I don’t know why because I honestly didn’t even ask for it or need one or even care) and he said he had one beer and one glass of vodka( yes pull the other leg haha I know the truth, and now he’s gotten to lying about what he is consuming I guess out of shame) and he said because I didn’t respond he got a bit of a stressed feeling and didn’t sit right hence his weirdness.
This is just getting way too strange now. I didn’t say anything I just nodded. I probably should have validated but honestly I just didn’t care I didn’t care bout his drinking ( it’s his own health he’s destroying) and I didn’t even care about his weirdness.

What I did care about was how darn good it felt to ignore him and “mute “
Him so I can enjoy my day and for him to have a little internal hissy fit. Seems he doesn’t like it when I’m not available 24/7.

Anyway small win I know but I am really liking this detaching feeling. Some days I just think “ I can’t wait until you just move overseas so I don’t have to see or deal with you” I think that’s when I will really start to fully heal.
He still hasn’t told the kids about his move. He always makes up an excuse as to why he can’t tell them. Every day is something new. I refuse to do it for him it’s not my place to do his hard work. He’s literally being a child now. This is a very unattractive quality. He isn’t seeing how much he is losing his shine and appeal to me with every action and every day. I’m keeping that previous love absolutely locked away. I don’t even think about him anymore like I used to. I think of him from time to time and I know I still have love for him but he’s not the be all and end all. He’s going for all I am concerned about he has checked out and fired me. And I know now finally it’s not about me his leaving this marriage despite his blame, it’s all on him, it’s all his own issues and insecurities within himself. I did my part I was 100% all in and he wasn’t. I put him first for so so long and he didn’t want a bar of it, and still wouldn’t even give me 5%.Or more correctly he couldn’t. He doesn’t know how to( despite him now trying to be around all the time, doing errands and chores and even walking the darn dog who he hates and never wanted to even walk her once now all of a sudden he’s capable, plus the weirdness when I don’t message back despite the fact he went on two work trips this year and was completely silent on me very early in the piece and more recently a few months ago. I would message and wait and wait and go nuts waiting. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t like his own medicine. I doubt his mushy MlC brain can comprehend that though and connect those dots)
These MLC people are just darn weird.

So I feel like I’m still winning here. Daily getting stronger, daily getting better within myself, daily loving who I am becoming and loving myself again as I make myself whole.

It’s my bday on Saturday. A small dinner with 3 friends has turned into a massive dinner and night out with over 18 friends. People have just absolutely rallied around me and honestly that just fills my heart so so much. I am getting my parents to look after the kids ( so I don’t have to see him when I get home to swap over but more mainly so I don’t have a repeat of H messaging me asking when I’ll be home and having to have a curfew so he can leave and sleep🙄the silly old man).I am not even telling him about it where I’m going and may just not even see him the whole day. Leading up to my birthday I just keep thinking about how much hurt and pain and how he has absolutely destroyed me this year with his hurtful harmful cruel words and basically how it’s been the worst year of my life and the only reason I am thinking of that hurt and all of that now is to channel that energy and remind myself that I am not letting that selfish man ruin a day that is 100% all for me.
I’m looking forward to surrounding myself with amazing people who love me unconditionally, I’m getting my hair done, have a sexy new outfit planned, will hit the dance floor, drink, flirt and just have an amazing night all around.