Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

Funny you just posted, I just got on for the first time in a few days. Absolutely pissed right now. Anger had subsided until today. At least my counselor has helped me identify the source:

1. Discovering new objects that W has taken from the house. I’ll be happily going about my day and “oh, great, W decided she wanted that thing”. They’re all minor things as we’d agreed on the big stuff and put it in writing. The remedy is I am holding her to an agreed upon deadline of this Friday. I’m changing the locks on Saturday. I also told her to not take another object that isnt on our list without talking to me.

2. Doom scrolling social media. Twitter generally puts me in a bad mood as 80% of tweets are someone complaining. Complaining about politics, sports, economy, social issues, gun violence, urbanism, Elon Musk, Twitter itself, etc. And then I go to reddit. It used to be a source of laughter and fun. Now it seems to be FILLED with R and M problems. I think a big chunk of redditors are 30-45, and they are now going through D’s left and right. So every time I go on, I hear another 3-4 situations looking for advice, and the advice is ALWAYS divorce. And it just makes me think of the two women I loved and married, and they both just quit without an ounce of effort with me. They both told me the same line at BD: “I have been trying so hard for so long to make it work.” Absolute bull****

Bonus source from today: I “caught” MIL with her in the house today. Not that they couldnt be there due to our agreement (I would handle it differently in hindsight, didnt know how much this s*** would bother me). But also it’s the sneakiness of MIL being there. I’ve heard how vindictive she was in her own D, and now she came down here and raided the house with W. The only things they took that werent agreed upon were minor (*both* honey jars, *both* nail clippers) but it just pisses me off even more than ever. D11 went to put some on her yogurt but couldnt find it. Really, you needed both of them? The honey made me call W. She answered but I hung up and then said it was a butt dial. I was about to unload on her. Later I texted and asked her to return 1 honey and 1 nail clipper.

And generally, I’m pissed at MIL these days. She is the worst person in W’s life and she is the one person W will never ever criticize or be real with to her face. MIL will get wasted and miss a big event, or get drunk and throw up on our couch when she was about to baby sit S1 (S0 at the time). The drinking and screwing over of W goes back 20 years. W having to parent her siblings at 10 yrs old because MIL was drunk. Had to cook dinner for 4 at 10 years old because MIL was out drinking with a BF. Had to grow up so early. And W has covered for her and made excuses for her for 20 years. But in private she is hurt so deeply by her M. Then they get around each other and the fake bubbly happiness, organizing and cleaning erupts. It’s sad and infuriating to witness or think about. And now she’s the only one she is talking to during this process, besides these stupid a** friends she’s made in the last 8 months. She has shunned all of the great people out of her life and is just echoing herself with her alcoholic M and the friends that never even met her until well after her crisis started in Aug 2022. They don’t even know who the real W is. I am so mad at W, but I am also heart broken for her. If she is really going through a crisis because of her MS outlook, or postpartum depression, or both, I feel for that, and it’s so self destructive the path she’s following. It’s like she’s cursed with this connection to her M. Her other siblings all keep MIL at arms distance. I think W shielded her from them when they were little, and they didn’t nt grow into this codependent R with her like W. They are all so much better off in that regard compared to W. And they live 10 minutes from her while W is 5 hours away!

I feel like this is going to inevitably F up S1 in some way, too. But I can only be the best dad I can during the times I have him. D11 has extreme anxiety these days and even with the best coparenting situation I can imagine between me, xW and D11’s stepdad, I wonder how much the D has contributed to that. I guess I’m just having doom thoughts tonight. I cant sleep now. It’s almost 1 am, so it’s too late for my “relief” activities (visit a friend, go for a walk). I can’t wait for W to be done raiding this house. I would like to not see her for a while, and see no evidence of her around.