My Story (2)

[Pattnee5]

Now, a crisis has occurred, and we are viewing it from diametrically opposed mindsets. I am viewing it as a crucible through which growth can occur, and we could come out the other side stronger and better for having gone through it. She is viewing it as time to wave the white flag.

I've invested many years of my life in doing things that are hard. I've accomplished things that would defeat 95% of people. "Hard" is my friend. Nothing worth getting in my life has taken less than years to achieve.

I think this is extremely common mindsets in crisis mode. My H exhibits exactly the same mindset. Whereas I see this as an opportunity to grow, to strengthen the relationship, to work together snd solve any issues and come away stronger and better than ever, he has absolutely no mindset to even want to try for a second. In the early days of Bd I did all the wrong things but grew withing myself, made some very big personal changes. I have always been a positive and determined person. Only a few years ago he used to say he loved that about me so much my determination my drive. Now it all means nothing. I used to tell him post Bd we can use this as a way to start a new beginning together work on our issues and build something solid. He couldn’t give a flying f…. In what I was saying. I threw 100% at it and he didn’t even give it 5%. Just sat back expecting his life to magically improve expecting to magically feel better.

I think this is part of their twisted mind journey. They literally become useless and have so much emotional turmoil they can’t sort out let alone want to work with a spouse because remember we are their cause of all their issues lol.

Early in I really thought I could save the marriage even if he wasn’t giving any effort. It took me a while to realise that it’s not possible. It really does need two people to want to work and want to save it. So I just shifted the focus from “saving the marriage” to “saving myself”. I think that’s all we can do until they ever decide to come through their headspace and actually share our values and our attitude