Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[DnJ]

Good Morning Card

The dreams will lessen in time. All part of the process towards acceptance. Also part of making peace with ourselves and our immutable past.

Your loss chart is good illustration and summary of your years. I’m sure its creation stirred plenty of feelings within you. Some happy and joyful, and some not so. More vivid dreams makes sense as your subconscious explores, catalogs, and yes seeks acceptance of things.

I think it would be interesting (helpful) if you were to make an acceptance/recovery chart as well. The level of acceptance or internal okey-dokey-ness for events in you life.

If you look at your summary of losses (events) it is quite constant. Life is like that. There is always some loss, some death or birth or someone moving away or injury. Change is the only constant. We do live in a change process. Highlighting, acknowledging your many past acceptances will reveal and remind you of your inner strength and fortitude. Such a belief is a good companion and page in that playbook.

With such constant change in life, it is a good idea to figure out our own grief / change management process. And update/alter/evolve it where necessary. To be clear, there is a needed time to slog our way through the bog. Having a heading and going slow, helps. The straight line being the most effective way. To that end, when everything is dark, don’t blindly wander, find your light first. It takes more time and effort to get “unlost”. And don’t worry everything you need to work through and accept is/will be placed upon your path, it’s not hiding somewhere else in the mire, you will come to it.

Moving forward sometimes is being still, listening, and seeking one’s headings.

For the anger, she asked some questions I didn't know the answer to off the top of my head:

- Where does it normally happen? At home
- What triggers it? I think when I find out about another item that she took with her. Ex: the good veggie peeler.
- How long does it last? I didn't know. Maybe an hour?
- How do you feel afterward? Depressed for a while
- How does it go away, or what do you do that stops it? I didn't know

Part of my homework is to pay closer attention when I do get mad. How long does it last? What do I do to curb the anger and change my mood? Make note of those things and it's a new page in my playbook.

It’s good for one to understand their process. Myself, I experience very little anger, and just head to depression. Two of my sons, my Dad, and DIL; they experienced quite a bit of anger when Mom blew everything up. We all have different, yet similar grief process.

Either way, one’s emotions need to be expressed and not repressed. And expressed in a safe health manner.

It’s interesting the triggers. Place, your home, already predisposes you to having stuff and feeling a certain way. When things are not as you expect you react. The missing veggie peeler for example.

Of course, the veggie peeler was not suppose to be missing. Its removal was not an agreed upon item. Yet another thing W has taken, has lied about, has betrayed you about. See how the event triggers the associated feelings of the bigger betrayal. Perfectly normal and healthy. Keep “moving forward”.

Once the moment passes, you’ll shrug and go get yourself another veggie peeler.

By the way, triggers happen for even agreed upon items/losses too.

Some tips for lessening the triggers. Sit in a different place at the table. You likely still sit where you alway sat. Thus you are predisposing yourself to certain expectations.

Along those lines - redecorate. Move the furniture around. Make your living room how you like it. Hook up the game box to the big screen and surround sound! Update your office layout too. Same in the bedroom. In every room.

Triggers follow the well worn and expected pathways. Make them work for it.

When anger rises, go chop some wood. Or dig a hole. Or punch the stuffing out of a pillow. Since most of your sudden angry moments happen at home, you can likely immediately stop whatever it is you are doing (and stumbled upon) and sweat it out.

Triggers are kind of lazy too. You doing something, forcing yourself to do something at the beginning, will derail the trigger’s ability to drag you to where/when it wants you to go. Pro-tip: Visit whatever you were triggered about, later, on your time and by your volition. Doing such when not triggered allows you to listen better and make peace better.

Be better, not bitter.

Me: When are you getting the rest of your things? I want to set a date for that soon
W: Hoping to have everything out a week from Friday
Me: How firm are you with that date? And it includes the painted armoire and everything in the garage? (Note: I have never liked the painted armoire and I don't want to store it for her)
W: I can't take the painted armoire now. I don't have room for it. I will take everything from the garage. Card, I don't know how firm I am with that date. I am moving things on my own with my car. Also, now that I've got S1 for the rest of the week, I won't be able to make trips back and forth with things. I am doing my best.

Some suggestions/advice.

You should not have asked how firm she was about the date of Friday. You know she’d not keep the date and gave her an out.

Also you should have more told her about the armoire than asked her. “It includes the painted armoire and everything in the garage.” (No question mark. Just a statement to her.) Anyhow, this allowed her to open the door and justify her continued garage storage usage.

Regroup and respond your wishes. Tell her she has until Friday. After that - what can you control? You. After Friday, move all her stuff to a storage unit. Pay for the first month rent (or three months if you like), and give her the key. It’s then her problem.

Hope you have a great day.

D