Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Card29]

Thanks for the encouragement, Pattnee.

It took me a while but I realised I don’t need XH to heal my wounded heart. He can’t even deal with his own issues let alone help me.

This is a sad but profound realization to make, I'm sure. I remember getting there with D#1. I got over her, then her R with OM ended, then she was a sad mess trying to get back with me. It was extremely unattractive. It was like DB coming full circle. She probably needed DB to try to win me back, but instead she went sad pursuit mode and I stayed away. I'm very sorry your H is so lost. I hope he finds his way, but it's great to read about the path you're on.

I come from a European background where family is life. Everything else is secondary. My family embraced XH like a son. He’s gonna feel pretty darn lonely one day when he’s old and sitting in his Scrooge MCDuck moneybin with nobody around.

Sounds like he's completely lost touch with what matters. Money is a great thing in that when you have enough of it, there is an entire base level of survival and struggle you don't necessarily have to worry about. But for me, the point is not to have money just to have money. It's to free my time and energy to spend on the people I love, namely family and close friends. My W came from the closest family I've ever witnessed. A big group of Italians and love each other to death. There are issues like any other family, but absolutely none of them have just thrown away their family without a great reason, until W. So they are all flabbergasted. But her mom's side is where the issues arise, I'm learning. They sweep problems under the rug. They don't talk about real issues. They pretend everything is okay. Until it's no longer okay. W was by far the closest to her mom (oldest sibling, essentially cared for her mom and siblings when her mom was drunk, as young as 10 years old).

But in the end, what can I do that's different than what you're doing? Nothing. I need to keep working on my healing, rebuilding friendships I've let deteriorate, and bring the love and energy for the kids. Your H and my W need to fix themselves. Lately, I've been watching some of the YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly. Not sure if you've ever seen it. It's a guy who does this really stark interviews with all kinds of interesting people, but the bulk of his interviews are drug addicts from skid row in LA. They can be shocking, depressing, or occasionally funny and uplifting. But they really show what it's like for someone who struggles with deep-seeded issues. The guy who conducts the interviews is Mark Laita. I've seen him on other podcasts, etc., and he says that he has rarely seen people turn their lives around from those depths (hard drug addiction that all roots back to childhood trauma). But those that have truly gotten clean did it on their own. All of the support in the world doesn't matter if the person isn't ready to help themselves. I'd like to think our spouses aren't as depraved or hopeless as someone who is addicted to heroine, but those comments of his coincide with vet advice I see here a lot: You can't fix your broken spouse. They have to fix themselves. And first, they have to want to fix themselves, and have to acknowledge the problem. Mark says the biggest hurdle for those drug addicts is believing they deserve to heal. Most of them don't. I don't know where my W's head is at these days, but I'm guessing it's spinning and running 1,000 mph like it did the last year. Your H sounds like he doesn't believe he can/should heal, if he's even acknowledged to himself that he has a problem.

Surround yourself with great friends, join some clubs make new ones, test your comfort zone. Get a tattoo, skydive, try hiking, snowboarding, go find the biggest roller coaster in an amusement park ( I remember six flags in America was always epic) and get on it and get that adrenaline going.

I haven't really went the "out of my comfort zone" route yet this time around aside from really dressing myself better than I normally do. Yesterday I got compliments on my shoes, glasses and shirt, all from different people (all women). I have been a thrill seeker most of my life. Love snowboarding, I've been skydiving several times. I love roller coasters. I do have a plan to buy a mountain bike and join a friend group that rides. I've done it once before and it was awesome. I need to build up these arms, back and chest a little before I get a tattoo and draw attention to them haha

I turn 42 in a little over a week as far as I’m concerned I haven’t even hit halfway in my life yet. My H has decided he doesn’t want to be on my ride anymore so that’s his loss.

Happy early birthday. I'm sure we'll get a report on it. And yep, H is missing a lot.