Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

I'm definitely not stopping the gym. One of my favorite parts of the week now. In fact I might bump it to 4 days a week.

What is it with dreams during a separation/D? I swear I hardly ever remembered my dreams before BD. Now I have these vivid dreams about W every other night. Last night was one of the worst. Basically W telling me how lousy of a H I was and why she was so glad to be gone. Imaginary W ruining my morning lol

I have an IC appointment this afternoon. Last time, we sort of planned on talking through my R with W. I have a list of topics I want to talk about, so we'll see what happens. I am looking forward to it, though. This counselor has been excellent. I'm a little disappointed, though. This is through an EAP program at work that only allows 6 visits per year. I'll need to find a new counselor if I continue after the 6. But this is only #3 of 6, so I still have a few. Hopefully I'll have made a lot of progress by the end of them. And it will be around the time my grief recovery class has ended, too.

Speaking of the grief recovery class, here is my loss chart in list form. The number after the year is the severity of the loss to me at that time

Card29's loss chart
Year Rating (0-10) Loss
1985 0 Born
1988 8 Death of great grandma
1988 4 Granny's house torn down due to expansion of Watterson Expressway
1992 7 Dad drinking, yelling at mom
1994 3 Moved to a new part of town. Lost friends
1995 4 Death of Cory (foster child)
1995 8 Broken nose (had crooked nose throughout middle school before getting it corrected)
1997 4 Death of Greg to cancer (middle school friend)
1998 6 Dad drunk on the street, making fool of himself in front of neighbors
2002 5 Hair loss (shaved head in 2003 and felt fine afterward)
2003 4 High school girlfriend break up
2005 5 Broke up with W#1 (then GF) but felt bad and got back with her. Regrets later
2009 2 College friends moved away
2010 4 Church friends moved away
2012 8 Death of father
2013 3 Uncle died (kidneys --> cancer)
2014 10 Divorce #1
2015 5 Hurt my back (reduced physical abilities the last 8 years)
2016 6 W#2 diagnosed with MS
2016 7 I realize my mom is rejecting/ghosting W#2
2016 6 Diagnosed with family kidney disease
2018 5 Sister's special needs kids, worried about their mental health
2019 5 Death of Granny
2020 5 Cousin OD'd
2021 3 Birth of son (mostly great, but lost a lot of connection time with W#2)
2021 6 Another group of friends moved away
2021 7 Realized I likely won't live past 60 due to kidney disease
2022 9 W#2 distanced herself from me, daughter and son
2022 7 Neurology appointment where we found out that maybe w#2 has "bad" MS
2023 3 Aunt died (kidneys --> cancer)
2023 9 I realize W#2 wanted nothing to do with me. Not excited to see me anymore
2023 10 W#2 left and says she wants a divorce

[Rockon]

Hi Card, I want to highlight what you said about contemplating not drinking. I think it sounds like a significant one for you at least for now. You are in control of you.

[Card29]

Dreams somehow even more intense and real tonight. So bad I actually woke up like you wouod from a terrifying nightmare. I want even wrote down what they were about so hopefully they can float away and I never think of them again

[Pattnee5]

I remember having dreams to Card. Some felt so real, like I felt H whispering to me or his presence. It was really quite upsetting. I was glad to be getting some sleep and then that happens it’s really annoying. I think it’s just part of the processing of our minds. I am sure you are thinking about W constantly so of course the dreams
Come too. The moment I stopped spending every waking thought thinking of H or assessing things etc mine have stopped

[Card29]

Pattnee, yes I'm definitely thinking of her more especially these last few days. The first couple of weeks: Constant W thoughts, so constant dreams. Then I went 2-3 weeks with my mind mostly elsewhere. These dreams have started as the anger has popped up.

My IC session was good yesterday. She had some advice similar to, I think, what DnJ told me about some depression feelings I had a few weeks ago when W showed up with a box truck and a strange guy to help her. In that case, I did a couple of things (nature walk, hung out with neighbors) and my mood flipped. DnJ made note of those steps and said "this is your playbook".

For the anger, she asked some questions I didn't know the answer to off the top of my head:

- Where does it normally happen? At home
- What triggers it? I think when I find out about another item that she took with her. Ex: the good veggie peeler.
- How long does it last? I didn't know. Maybe an hour?
- How do you feel afterward? Depressed for a while
- How does it go away, or what do you do that stops it? I didn't know

Part of my homework is to pay closer attention when I do get mad. How long does it last? What do I do to curb the anger and change my mood? Make note of those things and it's a new page in my playbook.

She also suggested giving a deadline to W for finalizing her move. She still has several large items she needs. The idea is to stop these surprise car trips to grab more stuff. There's only been one item I didn't want her to take, and I texted her, she brought it back. This will hopefully remove this trigger and let me and the kids develop the space of our own. I texted W this morning about a date.

Me: When are you getting the rest of your things? I want to set a date for that soon
W: Hoping to have everything out a week from Friday
Me: How firm are you with that date? And it includes the painted armoire and everything in the garage? (Note: I have never liked the painted armoire and I don't want to store it for her)
W: I can't take the painted armoire now. I don't have room for it. I will take everything from the garage. Card, I don't know how firm I am with that date. I am moving things on my own with my car. Also, now that I've got S1 for the rest of the week, I won't be able to make trips back and forth with things. I am doing my best.

I haven't responded yet. I won't be offering solutions.

My proposed response: "I have a plan to rearrange the living room. Let me know of a date you can get the armoire." Not firm enough? Possible solutions are to find a friend that is willing to store it for her, have her mom come get it from out of town, or get a storage unit. But I'm not going to suggest any of that to her. I'm sure she can figure those out, but leaving it with me until she's ready to have it in the future is the easiest solution for her.

Also, regarding "not being able to make trips with S1". Yes she could. But also, she gets out of work at 2:20 and S1 doesn't have to be picked up until 5:00.

[Rockon]

Why don’t you tell her you will put it in storage the day after (Saturday) if it isn’t gone and give her the bill?

[Card29]

Because I dont think she’d pay it, plus it’s huge and I have a hatchback. I want her to feel the stress

[DnJ]

Good Morning Card

The dreams will lessen in time. All part of the process towards acceptance. Also part of making peace with ourselves and our immutable past.

Your loss chart is good illustration and summary of your years. I’m sure its creation stirred plenty of feelings within you. Some happy and joyful, and some not so. More vivid dreams makes sense as your subconscious explores, catalogs, and yes seeks acceptance of things.

I think it would be interesting (helpful) if you were to make an acceptance/recovery chart as well. The level of acceptance or internal okey-dokey-ness for events in you life.

If you look at your summary of losses (events) it is quite constant. Life is like that. There is always some loss, some death or birth or someone moving away or injury. Change is the only constant. We do live in a change process. Highlighting, acknowledging your many past acceptances will reveal and remind you of your inner strength and fortitude. Such a belief is a good companion and page in that playbook.

With such constant change in life, it is a good idea to figure out our own grief / change management process. And update/alter/evolve it where necessary. To be clear, there is a needed time to slog our way through the bog. Having a heading and going slow, helps. The straight line being the most effective way. To that end, when everything is dark, don’t blindly wander, find your light first. It takes more time and effort to get “unlost”. And don’t worry everything you need to work through and accept is/will be placed upon your path, it’s not hiding somewhere else in the mire, you will come to it.

Moving forward sometimes is being still, listening, and seeking one’s headings.

For the anger, she asked some questions I didn't know the answer to off the top of my head:

- Where does it normally happen? At home
- What triggers it? I think when I find out about another item that she took with her. Ex: the good veggie peeler.
- How long does it last? I didn't know. Maybe an hour?
- How do you feel afterward? Depressed for a while
- How does it go away, or what do you do that stops it? I didn't know

Part of my homework is to pay closer attention when I do get mad. How long does it last? What do I do to curb the anger and change my mood? Make note of those things and it's a new page in my playbook.

It’s good for one to understand their process. Myself, I experience very little anger, and just head to depression. Two of my sons, my Dad, and DIL; they experienced quite a bit of anger when Mom blew everything up. We all have different, yet similar grief process.

Either way, one’s emotions need to be expressed and not repressed. And expressed in a safe health manner.

It’s interesting the triggers. Place, your home, already predisposes you to having stuff and feeling a certain way. When things are not as you expect you react. The missing veggie peeler for example.

Of course, the veggie peeler was not suppose to be missing. Its removal was not an agreed upon item. Yet another thing W has taken, has lied about, has betrayed you about. See how the event triggers the associated feelings of the bigger betrayal. Perfectly normal and healthy. Keep “moving forward”.

Once the moment passes, you’ll shrug and go get yourself another veggie peeler.

By the way, triggers happen for even agreed upon items/losses too.

Some tips for lessening the triggers. Sit in a different place at the table. You likely still sit where you alway sat. Thus you are predisposing yourself to certain expectations.

Along those lines - redecorate. Move the furniture around. Make your living room how you like it. Hook up the game box to the big screen and surround sound! Update your office layout too. Same in the bedroom. In every room.

Triggers follow the well worn and expected pathways. Make them work for it.

When anger rises, go chop some wood. Or dig a hole. Or punch the stuffing out of a pillow. Since most of your sudden angry moments happen at home, you can likely immediately stop whatever it is you are doing (and stumbled upon) and sweat it out.

Triggers are kind of lazy too. You doing something, forcing yourself to do something at the beginning, will derail the trigger’s ability to drag you to where/when it wants you to go. Pro-tip: Visit whatever you were triggered about, later, on your time and by your volition. Doing such when not triggered allows you to listen better and make peace better.

Be better, not bitter.

Me: When are you getting the rest of your things? I want to set a date for that soon
W: Hoping to have everything out a week from Friday
Me: How firm are you with that date? And it includes the painted armoire and everything in the garage? (Note: I have never liked the painted armoire and I don't want to store it for her)
W: I can't take the painted armoire now. I don't have room for it. I will take everything from the garage. Card, I don't know how firm I am with that date. I am moving things on my own with my car. Also, now that I've got S1 for the rest of the week, I won't be able to make trips back and forth with things. I am doing my best.

Some suggestions/advice.

You should not have asked how firm she was about the date of Friday. You know she’d not keep the date and gave her an out.

Also you should have more told her about the armoire than asked her. “It includes the painted armoire and everything in the garage.” (No question mark. Just a statement to her.) Anyhow, this allowed her to open the door and justify her continued garage storage usage.

Regroup and respond your wishes. Tell her she has until Friday. After that - what can you control? You. After Friday, move all her stuff to a storage unit. Pay for the first month rent (or three months if you like), and give her the key. It’s then her problem.

Hope you have a great day.

D

[Card29]

I think it would be interesting (helpful) if you were to make an acceptance/recovery chart as well. The level of acceptance or internal okey-dokey-ness for events in you life.

I've had this exact thought. Adding a column and tracking "percent processed". Many are 100 or at least 99. For example, I don't think I'll ever be at 100 with Granny or my dad, but 99 is a pretty comfortable spot.

There are some, like friends moving away, that I knew I hadn't gotten over. I even had a conversation with my cousin about this a month ago. I'm going to use strategies from my grief class to hopefully work on moving past those, too. And I'll be able to use those going forward as I'm sure I'll never have the same group of friends living around me for my entire life.

Of course, the veggie peeler was not suppose to be missing. Its removal was not an agreed upon item. Yet another thing W has taken, has lied about, has betrayed you about. See how the event triggers the associated feelings of the bigger betrayal. Perfectly normal and healthy. Keep “moving forward”.

Once the moment passes, you’ll shrug and go get yourself another veggie peeler.

Already done. You're absolutely right. It triggered me because it was another betrayal. A very small one, but just opened up the entire wound again as I have not healed yet. Working on it.

And thanks for the feedback on my texts. I feel like I'm making progress. But I need to know when to make statements instead of questions. I just texted: "I don't want to store the armoire, I have plans for the living room. Please find a home for it by next Friday."

It felt uncomfortable texting it, which I think is a good thing in this case. I'm curious to see her reaction.

Thank you as always for your support. I'm having a pretty decent day today.

[Pattnee5]

Good job card, don’t store the armoire for her. They think they can have the best of everything. I’m telling H to take all his crap and send it back to his parents if he needs ( I got the “but I can’t take everything overseas in a suitcase)
I also said “if you don’t take it just put it out for the charity collection. “ he has tried to tell me to “sell it and keep the money” I really can’t be bothered