She proposed that I move into our basement I said no. She said maybe I should move out I said no. She said she wanted our bed, I said I would think about that. Thought about it - no. She told me she thought I should take my truck off the road. I didn’t.
I have been taking care of myself, home and family. I have stopped facilitating family togetherness with her.
I really do want to understand and know how else to stand up as man and husband.
Ok rock but you are forgetting how many back and forths you had to go through to just say no I’m not leaving. You didn’t do any of that from a position of strength and we wouldn’t know for sure about the mattress because last you said was you were going to deliver it because you didn’t want some random person in your house. Again, not a position of strength.
The fact is I don’t believe you ever really mentioned you were facilitating family time, you jumped at the chance every opportunity you had though. And if you did stop facilitating it’s because she stopped first.
You keep saying you want to learn, understand, do more, but again all you have to do is read your thread. It’s all there.
Originally Posted by Rockon
3 things I can do to not be weak and to show her I will not cave:
1. Get a lawyer and mediator. Make sure they understand my needs, priorities and wishes. Be responsible for myself and uphold taking care of our family.
2. Stand up for myself and our kids needs.
3, what you said, Boat
This is a microcosm of everything I mean. You already have a lawyer. You just said to me you already do stick up for yourself and family and than just agree with Boat. You only are gonna get what you give when it comes to DB. This list isn’t at all what was meant. What can you do differently Rock? Because right now you are stuck doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. We don’t know your wife Rock, you do though. What are things you can do to attract her to you?
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I was never back and forth on moving out. I said I was staying in the bedroom and the main part of the house. I asked her what she had in mind when she talked about moving back in last fall and she then talked about herself moving back to our house from her moms into the basement suite.
I was open to delivering the mattress with my truck - then go get myself another one but I still haven’t moved it and she hasn’t asked again. I did facilitate family time through the winter yes but then I stopped.
I have gotten advice from a L but I haven’t hired one /paid any money yet.
Rock, Your very first post you explain she moved out, on your 3rd or 4th your make sure everyone again knows she did. Later you mention multiple times she wants to move back in to save money. If you went back and forth with us, you did with her, but ok.
You've been to 3 lawyers than Rock without paying. Weak
You've had to examine what you can do differently throughout this entire process. It's a sentence you use to get out of uncomfortable situations, and you've used it or something similar numerous times.
The following is from you on 09/15/22
Contributions to breakdown: -not giving her the attention romance and excitement she craved at times for sure -she felt that I placed too much focus and attention on our kids and their needs at the expense of her -contributing to chaos and disorder with falling behind renovating our house and being disorganized -my traumatic injury ( with depression and anxiety) impacting on my wife and our intimacy -our collective emotional wounds and pain from familial trauma -me not standing up to her when she mistreated me verbally and with disrespect at times.
Continuing on 180s: -looking after myself focusing on me -standing up to her calmly and assertively -not attending to my physical appearance at times -I got disconnected from work, friends, hobbies -not talking about me or overly focusing on our kids when we are in conversation but showing care and interest in her life and perspective when she opens up to me especially about hurts and contributions -lots of validation -engaging in my treatment and following up,with my dr for preventative tests and measures -getting help from friends with house Reno skills - I’m still doing a lot of the work and learning -being responsible financially for myself -looking and dressing well, GAL, being happy and having friends
What is different today than the day you posted this?
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Continuing on 180s: -looking after myself focusing on me Same -standing up to her calmly and assertively. Same -not attending to my physical appearance at times I am consistently taking care of this. Grooming hygiene, exercise, sleep, nutrition, wardrobe -I got disconnected from work, friends, hobbies. Got the friends and hobbies, now into work. -not talking about me or overly focusing on our kids when we are in conversation but showing care and interest in her life and perspective when she opens up to me especially about hurts and contributions. Giving her space having a life without her now means I am not showing interest -lots of validation. Not contacting or engaging now so much less validation -engaging in my treatment and following up,with my dr for preventative tests and measures Same -getting help from friends with house Reno skills - I’m still doing a lot of the work and learning Same -being responsible financially for myself Same -looking and dressing well, GAL, being happy and having friends New friend group outside of my family as suggested here by BF
What is different today than the day you posted this?
Ok Boat to make this year different/better and to answer your questions:
In the (not immediate) future a woman would be interested in dating me because I am interesting, fun, healthy, handsome and a gentleman. She would feel that I would give her attention and excitement, safety and security. I have good friends and family relationships and that is attractive.
She is behaving very self cantered yes. She was not a selfish person. But she has suffered a lot of pain - in her childhood and in our family.
“contributing to chaos and disorder with falling behind renovating our house and being disorganized A woman wants a strong, stable man who is able to accomplish tasks in a timely manner. Too little and too late on this one.” I have changed this about me.
“ A woman wants a strong stable man who isn't riddled with depression and anxiety. I see no progress here.” I have changed this about me.
“our collective emotional wounds and pain from familial trauma Not sure what this means but it doesn't sound good.” No it wasn’t good. But I am much better and am taking care of myself and family. W has just started therapy. Hope she finds it beneficial.
“ me not standing up to her when she mistreated me verbally and with disrespect at times. A woman wants a man to stand up to her when she is out of line. I see no progress here.” Boat, what would you suggest I do differently?
In the (not immediate) future a woman would be interested in dating me because I am interesting, fun, healthy, handsome and a gentleman. She would feel that I would give her attention and excitement, safety and security. I have good friends and family relationships and that is attractive.
You need to do more research and question your beliefs.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
