Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

I'm definitely not stopping the gym. One of my favorite parts of the week now. In fact I might bump it to 4 days a week.

What is it with dreams during a separation/D? I swear I hardly ever remembered my dreams before BD. Now I have these vivid dreams about W every other night. Last night was one of the worst. Basically W telling me how lousy of a H I was and why she was so glad to be gone. Imaginary W ruining my morning lol

I have an IC appointment this afternoon. Last time, we sort of planned on talking through my R with W. I have a list of topics I want to talk about, so we'll see what happens. I am looking forward to it, though. This counselor has been excellent. I'm a little disappointed, though. This is through an EAP program at work that only allows 6 visits per year. I'll need to find a new counselor if I continue after the 6. But this is only #3 of 6, so I still have a few. Hopefully I'll have made a lot of progress by the end of them. And it will be around the time my grief recovery class has ended, too.

Speaking of the grief recovery class, here is my loss chart in list form. The number after the year is the severity of the loss to me at that time

Card29's loss chart
Year Rating (0-10) Loss
1985 0 Born
1988 8 Death of great grandma
1988 4 Granny's house torn down due to expansion of Watterson Expressway
1992 7 Dad drinking, yelling at mom
1994 3 Moved to a new part of town. Lost friends
1995 4 Death of Cory (foster child)
1995 8 Broken nose (had crooked nose throughout middle school before getting it corrected)
1997 4 Death of Greg to cancer (middle school friend)
1998 6 Dad drunk on the street, making fool of himself in front of neighbors
2002 5 Hair loss (shaved head in 2003 and felt fine afterward)
2003 4 High school girlfriend break up
2005 5 Broke up with W#1 (then GF) but felt bad and got back with her. Regrets later
2009 2 College friends moved away
2010 4 Church friends moved away
2012 8 Death of father
2013 3 Uncle died (kidneys --> cancer)
2014 10 Divorce #1
2015 5 Hurt my back (reduced physical abilities the last 8 years)
2016 6 W#2 diagnosed with MS
2016 7 I realize my mom is rejecting/ghosting W#2
2016 6 Diagnosed with family kidney disease
2018 5 Sister's special needs kids, worried about their mental health
2019 5 Death of Granny
2020 5 Cousin OD'd
2021 3 Birth of son (mostly great, but lost a lot of connection time with W#2)
2021 6 Another group of friends moved away
2021 7 Realized I likely won't live past 60 due to kidney disease
2022 9 W#2 distanced herself from me, daughter and son
2022 7 Neurology appointment where we found out that maybe w#2 has "bad" MS
2023 3 Aunt died (kidneys --> cancer)
2023 9 I realize W#2 wanted nothing to do with me. Not excited to see me anymore
2023 10 W#2 left and says she wants a divorce