Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Aw thanks Card. Most of the time I’m very positive.Always have been always will be. Glass is always half full for me. I still have bouts of “girly hormones taking control of my brain like little gremilins” but I have gotten really good and controlling that now. Surround yourself with happiness and making memories and your life will always be full, so will your heart. I look through my phone or old photo albums and see all these amazing run memories I created for the kids for my family. It fills my heart. XH was there too and looked happy. I created those. Not him. I made the effort planned the holidays made the memories. He was a beneficiary. I bet he can scroll his phone for the last 9 months since BD and find zero memories. It’s probably all memes he exchanges with his mates.
Life is about living it to the fullest and having a full heart. Right now my family, my kids and my amazing friends who have supported me immensely fill my heart with so much love. It took me a while but I realised I don’t need XH to heal my wounded heart. He can’t even deal with his own issues let alone help me. I’ve done a pretty good job with my family and kids to mend my own heart now. It’s sad that my XH lost sight of that bigger picture in the last year, and became so money hungry, self absorbed and chasing the “big promotion” to compete with his siblings. His spiral into McL land has seen him become this man that many admired as a person, to spiralling into this angry bitter man that people now look at and have lost all respect for. And he’s so oblivious to it. He used to care so much about his image and what people thought of him.
For the first time i had a moment the other day worth mentioning on the weekend. I had been out for the morning, worn nice clothes felt good looked good even got w few smiles from some men, and see XH briefly, in his sweats, same top same pants as always, had his beer buzz, his hair looked rubbish, and for the first time ever I actually thought “ wow you have lost your attractiveness “. The misery the mlc turmoil the suspected depression, has taken the shine off him. Now all I see is this man who is so full of hurtful comments and actions towards me and has caused me so much pain and he’s losing his appeal.

I come from a European background where family is life. Everything else is secondary. My family embraced XH like a son. He’s gonna feel pretty darn lonely one day when he’s old and sitting in his Scrooge MCDuck moneybin with nobody around. He still tried to tell me about his work day or things that are happening in his life. Sometimes I just don’t even know how to “validate “ or respond. I just keep thinking “ you fired me so stop trying to re-hire me”

You’re going to be ok Card! You have two beautiful children, and as their dad you can inspire them and give them amazing memories that they will forever hold on to. They will be the ones to mend your wounded heart(not your wife she doesn’t have the capability now.) Surround yourself with great friends, join some clubs make new ones, test your comfort zone. Get a tattoo, skydive, try hiking, snowboarding, go find the biggest roller coaster in an amusement park ( I remember six flags in America was always epic) and get on it and get that adrenaline going. Life is going to be ok. Even if our spouses have decided to go off on their crazy roller coasters and act like rebellious teens, they are just doing it in a depressive guilty and self destructive way . Their actions don’t reflect on us or on our kids it’s all on them. They made their bed now they need to sleep in it.

One piece of advice
Remember the only thing we take with us when we leave this world is the things we have packed in our hearts.

I’m still going to the gym 2-3 times a week, a girl at work wants to learn to run so I’m going to help her and do some running in our lunch break. The weather is warming up here. I turn 42 in a little over a week as far as I’m concerned I haven’t even hit halfway in my life yet. My H has decided he doesn’t want to be on my ride anymore so that’s his loss.