Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

It's been a minute since an update. No updates with W or the D. I've had a lot of anger towards her lately. I thought it would feel good to be mad about it, but it has not. And unlike the depression feelings, it feels like it will never go away. I've known people that were mad about past relationships for decades. I do not want to be that person. But for now, I'm angry. Things I'm mad about:

* Throwing away the marriage
* Splitting up S1's family without even trying to work on anything
* Taking 1/2 of my time with S1 away. I really, really miss the little guy when he's with her.
* W ghosting D11 (step daughter to W) after a great R with her since D11 can remember.
* At myself for not breaking up with her years ago, which I had considered
* At MIL & FIL for causing damage to W as a kid. She was the oldest of 4 siblings, was 8 years old when they went through a nasty D. From what I hear from several parties, it was MIL who made it nasty and took it to court. She got almost full custody, then started drinking. Forced W to parent her own siblings starting at 8-10 years old, and even had to parent her mom when she was drunk.

It's also really sad to think about how much joy W brought to my and D11's lives, and now I wish I'd never met her. I hope I don't feel like that forever, but right now there are just no good feelings when I think of W.

Also, I drank a lot at a concert last night and really do not feel good about it. I think I should stop drinking entirely. I don't really crave alcohol when I'm not drinking, so I don't think it would be terribly hard. My problem is once I start, especially in a setting like a concert or a sporting event, I don't have the ability to stop or slow down.

And I had to drop off S1 this morning and won't see him for a few days. It's just a crappy Monday morning all around.