I have stood up for myself this year when she has said that I should or should not be doing things in relation to our kids. This has often had to do with money… -providing support to eldest D who is facing challenges and has steeped up to protect her safety and that of her D. W told me that I shouldn’t go on my recent “vacation” to support D when D asked me to come. I stood up for myself and went and I’m glad I did. I paid for my trip out of my personal funds. -getting S a gift that he wanted from me when he rejected gift from W. W blew up about that saying he doesn’t deserve it. -spending my time, money and energy how I see fit -I am spending money in a responsible way for my home and S. W has been critical of that. I am standing up to her
…But also what she has wanted me to say to our kids. Basically how she has wanted me to set eldest 2 kids straight so they are ok with W’s choices. I have let her know that I am not able to do that but that I am being honest with our kids.
I have been having my relationship with kids in distinction to her R with them. BF and others here have helped me get there.
And I have stood up for myself with how I will be spoken to. I have left conversations if she is insulting and disrespecting me. And W has acknowledged this. She concluded that we just shouldn’t talk then and after that we had our most honest conversation (months ago now).
I have stood up for myself without being reactive or confrontational.
For consequences, I have just shown indifference (outwardly at least, inwardly I have detached) to her trips and lifestyle. Not asking about them. She has told me that all her friendships have blown up and it must be her, her work is very stressful and she might be losing her job, she has no money left, she doesn’t like living at her mom’s, she has had a really hard year and is estranged from her kids, she doesnt get to live in her house, have her things and her kids don’t want to be with her.
These are not consequences from me. They are just experiences she is having.
These questions and observations from you are helpful for me to examine what I am doing. And I agree that things need to change for me. This is not a healthy way to continue and for my self respect (as well as what kids witness) I need to stand up for myself more and discern my path forward.
