She thinks you’re a weak man who won’t stand up for yourself, it’s time to prove her wrong.
So trying listing 3 things you can do to show her you are not a weak man and will no longer cave due to fear. I will give you 1 freebee.
STBXW:“… we need to come up with a fair amount of rent for you to pay so that I also have the opportunity to live in a place that I choose. You are choosing to live there with the costs that a house that size incurs…. I am unable to subsidize the mortgage as well as give money for son. My preference would be to give money for our son….. All of these agreements need to be legalized and have expiry dates.” Rock: Draw something up and when I have time I will let my lawyer take a look at it STBXW: Blah,Blah, Blah Rock:crickets
I'm just going to be blunt, but please don't take it as I'm trying to run you down. I'm trying to wake you up, because you've been a sleep at the wheel here for a while so to speak.
Fear...nothing controls like fear. You are afraid of facing reality Rock. The reality of the situation is your marriage is over whether you like it or not. It's been over, for I'd imagine years in her mind, but I'm not sure you've accepted that. You need to, like yesterday. That doesn't mean you need to get divorced and remarried, but it does mean there needs to be a 2nd version of your marriage, a marriage 2.0. Over the last 15 months what have you done to make her think maybe you're different? More attractive? More of the man she would want? To want to marry you all over again?
I haven't updated my story much, but I'm going to tell you my story. Won't be detailed, and it will be from my perspective now...3 and a half years later.
I was a lot younger when I met my ex, and we basically grew up together, not from like kid kids, but high school. I was 36 when she left. 3 affairs in, 5 kids, and yet in a 24hr period (sad as heck having to write that, I wanna go back and smack my younger self) , it went from something is off in my world to it went full supernova. I was alone the first time as a man, with kids that their mother just walked out on....I know fear Rock..very well, fear for me was an unwelcomed house guest. Fear for you has become beacon of hope. I do get it, I couldn't picture myself with anyone else, I wasn't attracted to anyone else, I didn't want anyone else touching me. No, I was good. It took a few months, but even though it killed me inside, I knew there had to be a future where I didn't feel this way anymore. I did find out there was some things going on with her and the kids that forced my hand as a father, so I did know fairly early there was no going back, thus a few months, but here is where I am.
I've been married for a little over a year. My littlest just knocked on my office door screaming daddy, I only work 40 years a week (45 if I absolutely have too). If I am going somewhere my wife is always invited. As am I with her. Not because we have too, but because we want too. We have TV series we both love and have shared with each other and movies we watched before we met. She's my best friend, honestly the best I've ever had. We've been together longer than I think I admitted to in here. I know I hid it because I didn't want to hear it. I'm sure people will read this and understand, but I now can see it as a grown man hiding from a bunch of strangers on the internet.
DB worked for me on both accounts. It saved me from myself and my nonsense (I was not blameless, I didn't cheat but I didn't try like I could have, not even close) So when she did want to return, I knew I was worth far more than she ever thought I would be.
I love my wife, I love my life, I live everyday like it's my last. I say this because I am far happier, self aware, and centered as a person, father, and man than I ever have been. And 3 and a half years ago I was shattered, completely..... as a person, father, and man. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and light at the end of any tunnel you choose to go down, but you have to pick one.
Lastly, get ready. Money brings out the worst in people. Accept you need a lawyer now. You can not worry about her. You worry about you and your children that need you. I'm not saying lose your morals, but don't accept less than what you are entitled too. Let your lawyer handle the divorce, ask them questions, and let them know exactly what you want. EDit***I'm not saying you have to file for divorce, but don't be surprised if this triggers her to do so, but either way you need a lawyer, and one that knows everything that is going on and is ready to take action immediately with all the relevant information***
Last edited by JosephS; 09/22/2310:53 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Hi Joseph I value your direct and blunt thoughts and I don’t take it to try to run me down. I get it and accept that the old marriage is over. I told her so a year ago.
“ Over the last 15 months what have you done to make her think maybe you're different? More attractive? More of the man she would want? To want to marry you all over again?”
Biggest change is I have been standing up to her and not getting baited into her traps. I have let her make her own path and experience consequences. I have been standing up to her. I have not been pursuing or pressuring her. I have been taking care of my health like I used to when we first met and married. I have new friends. I have been stepping up for our kids and graddaughter.
Have I been doing this well? Am I having any influence on her good or bad? I don’t know. I just don’t know. At this stage she has given me zero reason to believe that she wants anything now or ever to do with our M.
I don’t want this and I don’t want the old M.
“ Lastly, get ready. Money brings out the worst in people. Accept you need a lawyer now. You can not worry about her. You worry about you and your children that need you. I'm not saying lose your morals, but don't accept less than what you are entitled to. Let your lawyer handle the divorce, ask them questions, and let them know exactly what you want. EDit***I'm not saying you have to file for divorce, but don't be surprised if this triggers her to do so, but either way you need a lawyer, and one that knows everything that is going on and is ready to take action immediately with all the relevant information***”
I see that I need a L for my sake and my kids who need me.
3 things I can do to not be weak and to show her I will not cave:
1. Get a lawyer and mediator. Make sure they understand my needs, priorities and wishes. Be responsible for myself and uphold taking care of our family.
Can you please name the time you stood up to her? I just read your entire story here Rock. No where have you shared that. Now you have saved her multiples times through out the year including running to save her twice from a broken down car.
And what consequences? She’s living it up with multiple over sea trips while still being married and dictating basically everything through manipulation.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
3 things I can do to not be weak and to show her I will not cave:
1. Get a lawyer and mediator. Make sure they understand my needs, priorities and wishes. Be responsible for myself and uphold taking care of our family.
2. Stand up for myself and our kids needs.
3, what you said, Boat
Lip service Rock. Until you implement healthy boundaries you will continue to suffer immensely.
I have stood up for myself this year when she has said that I should or should not be doing things in relation to our kids. This has often had to do with money… -providing support to eldest D who is facing challenges and has steeped up to protect her safety and that of her D. W told me that I shouldn’t go on my recent “vacation” to support D when D asked me to come. I stood up for myself and went and I’m glad I did. I paid for my trip out of my personal funds. -getting S a gift that he wanted from me when he rejected gift from W. W blew up about that saying he doesn’t deserve it. -spending my time, money and energy how I see fit -I am spending money in a responsible way for my home and S. W has been critical of that. I am standing up to her
…But also what she has wanted me to say to our kids. Basically how she has wanted me to set eldest 2 kids straight so they are ok with W’s choices. I have let her know that I am not able to do that but that I am being honest with our kids.
I have been having my relationship with kids in distinction to her R with them. BF and others here have helped me get there.
And I have stood up for myself with how I will be spoken to. I have left conversations if she is insulting and disrespecting me. And W has acknowledged this. She concluded that we just shouldn’t talk then and after that we had our most honest conversation (months ago now).
I have stood up for myself without being reactive or confrontational.
For consequences, I have just shown indifference (outwardly at least, inwardly I have detached) to her trips and lifestyle. Not asking about them. She has told me that all her friendships have blown up and it must be her, her work is very stressful and she might be losing her job, she has no money left, she doesn’t like living at her mom’s, she has had a really hard year and is estranged from her kids, she doesnt get to live in her house, have her things and her kids don’t want to be with her.
These are not consequences from me. They are just experiences she is having.
These questions and observations from you are helpful for me to examine what I am doing. And I agree that things need to change for me. This is not a healthy way to continue and for my self respect (as well as what kids witness) I need to stand up for myself more and discern my path forward.
