Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Hi DnJ and Card. Thanks for the comments and words of wisdom/encouragement. Card, I always have some sort of music on these days, driving to work, cleaning the house. I never used to like running but a few years ago started running and did a half marathon and realised how much the music helped pull you through. Unfortunately a lot of the time the choice in music my D14 is in control and right now she’s obsessed with Taylor swift and gearing up for her summer concert.
A few high school friends and I are reliving our high school days and seeing MAychbox 20, and Live too who are also touring this summer. It’s like all these bands have come back out of the woodwork. My music taste is all over the shop these days as an adult.music is good for the soul that’s for sure.

Big Red Stop Sign!

Reset your thinking and influencing upon yourself.

Believe nothing they say… Remember? H hates his life. Hates himself. And will project and lash out his inner hatred towards you and the world, or whatever gets in his way.

Yep. H will attack you to make himself feel better. As misguided as that is. And as short sided and ultimately failing as that is.

I forgot about the stop sign. I used to use it all the time when I felt mountains of tears. I think because this hasn’t made me cry really ( just upset me and internally made me angry) I forgot to use it.Deep down I know not to believe it, I know it’s not even true and you are so very right when you say they attack me to prop himself up. It’s like they are drowning and trying to pull me down further with them. I actually saw another example of that earlier this week where my parents sat down to discuss how the logistics of his “ move” will impact them. My mother was firm and professional with H but threw in some home truths to his face which he obviously didn’t like. He then progressed to shift all the blame to me with nasty comments about me, making out I did nothing as a mother while did everything etc ( oh yes, here comes MR MAry POppins again, all the while I just sat there and listened and didn’t really say anything at all in regard to any parts of the whole conversation. I was just done mentally and saw no point). Later on in the day he must have realised and apologised via text. His words were something along the lines of being sorry for lashing out reactively when he felt he was being attacked. So there lies the proof you are absolutely correct in saying they attack to make themselves feel better.

H knows you, knows what buttons to press, and knows how to hurt you. All perfectly normal by the way. We are full of self doubts with bomb drop and them running away from us. Although, in time you’ll realize they are trying to run from themselves.


It takes time to transmute such poisonous words. Much like my W did, your H has that old access to your inner self. Years of living and loving together, you trust and believe him. And therefore accept as truth what he says. You need to find that you now: once trusted and believed him. Past tense, no longer present tense. And that takes some time; goes along with sorting out our deeply held convictions (sans spouse).

Realize, H is not powerful enough to shatter you. Although he can trigger it.

I didn’t think of it like this but wow you are so right. H does know me, my weaknesses and strengths, better than anyone and you are so right we end up trusting and believing everything. Even now obviously with some comments.
As much as everything he says is water off a ducks back, as I know there is no truth, I think theres still that underlying trust and belief in him, that the real H still exists in some parts of his soul and while everyone else has written him off and tossed him to the kerb, I still hadn’t given up on him. I know that comment is just an attack. H has always been jealous, jealous of me jealous of others. Always comparing, always reminiscing to a time where he looked good in his youth, always saying I’m getting too skinny etc. he has some serious self esteem and body issues going on.

I think I just need to remember that old access to my inner self that H has, that trust and belief in his words and actions, died when the person he was died. I think I am still very much mourning the loss of who he was.I still love him deeply but that version of him, the version that I knew for 20 years, not this new toxic version. I know he is long gone for now. Very much like your XW DNJ, which by the way is such a sad story and I am so very sorry. I’m sure that made you feel sorry for her. They truly do become lost souls. I do pray H can find his way through his crisis and pull through to be somewhat of the version of the man he was ( first and foremost for himself because this is horrible ti see him like this, and secondly for the kids). But I don’t hold out much hope for him, he has always swept things aside and seems to be content with merely “existing” in life.

It is unlikely anything positive would come from unleashing upon H.

An incredible strength and fortitude is awaking within you. Temper it with compassion, understanding, empathy, and forgiveness. Become, gild the repairs in gold, walk in the light, and shine.

D

Thanks D, I think that’s why I don’t unleash, I just think “what’s the point” he’s not listening, he doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say, and it’s like fighting against a brick wall.
I’ll keep moving forward one step at a time. I do feel I’ve come a really long way already, and really can’t wait to see the back end of 2023 as it’s been the worst year of my life. I already know once H leaves the country these encounters and words will go with him, and that is my time to really step up and let myself be the woman I want to be, independent from him. Right now I am miles ahead of H in terms of confidence, self belief, balance, maturity. He is wallowing in a very deep hole of self hate, doubt, guilt, low self esteem . He oozes misery, you can see it all over his face. A few friends that haven’t seen him for a while and recently did, said he looks terrible. Women who once thought he was attractive saying he looks vacant, negative, detached from the joys of life and the world, pained. Our moods and emotions really to dictate and project who we are in this world. I’ve always been glass half full, he’s always been half empty. Yin and Yan but he used to be stronger in himself to allow my positivity and drive inspire him. Now, that glass is so empty it’s gone dry and it’s all over his face, his mannerisms his demeanour. It really is sad.

Regardless I am getting my emotions together now D. Thanks for those words of encouragement. Some home truths there I didn’t know or see how you are so right that H knows my inner workings and triggers.it’s time for me to build a wall against him. I’ll continue to put myself back together and grow, right in front of the person who broke me