Feeling quite worn out with everything. H continues to be chaotic and he can't seem to notice his craziness. He hasn't got back with OW so they've been separated around 4 weeks now. His contact with me was minimal over the past couple of weeks until 2 days ago when he turned up at the house (never a good sign). Son answered door & he asked to speak to me saying he'd done something stupid. I spoke to him & he cried saying he can't get me out if his mind & had thought if he initiated divorce proceedings then that would draw a line and he would be able to let me go. He then proceeded to cry saying it hadn't worked, he thinks about me all the time & doesn't want a divorce! He's filled in the paperwork himself, no lawyer & paid for it on his credit card. He now wants to withdraw it & doesn't want me to sign anything! He's messaginv me regularly to update me on emails he's sent & received from the courts.
He's still all over the place. He spoke that Christmas would be perfect if he could be back at home & we were together. I gently told him that wasn't going to happen. He tried to get assurances from me that I would have him back. I just said that wasn't what I wanted at the present time and he should focus on his own wellbeing and his relationship with the children. I let him out of the house & he returned an hour later just sat in his car outside the house saying he couldn't bear to go back to his flat. It's all really draining. I had covid last week & still recovering so not up to exercising yet. I've cried for the first time for ages. I really don't want him hurting but I also don't want to go back to that dependent relationship. Finding this week tougher than I have for a while. When I sit back and observe, it's just another crazy episode that will run its course but does feel overwhelming at the minute. I recognise lots of parallels with how he is behaving to how I was at BD & the first few months after. Begging, pleading, misinterpreting signs & desperate for certainty.
