Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Pattnee5]

I did 99% of the vacuuming and cleaning in my marriage. When mine demanded to take the vacuum at a lawyer meeting, I asked her if she wanted lessons on how to use it too! 😎!

Wow. Taking the vacuum to court? Haha now I’ve heard everything. I guess nothing is out of the question

[Kind18]

Wow. Taking the vacuum to court? Haha now I’ve heard everything. I guess nothing is out of the question

Letting her have the vacuum was a small price to pay! Bet she’s never used it 🤷‍♂️

Importantly, I found a new one and got on with my life 😎

Plus, the new model [censored] a lot better than the old one 😉

When dealing with possession splits, it’s often about them trying to maintain control.

[Card29]

Learned a lesson with in-laws. A week ago, I sent a video of S1 to FIL and SIL. It was a harmless 10 second video. I was sharing it with a few friends and fam, and just included them without thinking too much about it. Thought they'd enjoy a quick funny vid. FIL apparently shared it with the whole fam, including W. MIL, who has been drinking daily lately, apparently, left me a drunk VM telling me I shouldn't talk to FIL.

I talked to FIL last night. I called to make sure his other kids knew about their grandma passing before I sent condolences to them. That's how I found out he sent the video elsewhere. I'm just going to go no-contact from now on, especially since W will have S1 1/2 of the time now. She can send them videos if she wants. I sent it because they hadn't seen S1 in a month since I'd had him essentially the whole time. Their situation is too toxic to involve myself in right now.

So, you vets were right.

[Ready2Change]

I'll lay off on trying to throw her some confusion this week ...But I'll keep thinking about how to respond differently in future situations.

That is the important part. Having a whole range of ways to interact and intentionally picking a specify way. Changing anytime you feel it is needed.

I used your advice and threw out the idea of a sexual favor in exchange for something in the house she was wanting. She genuinely laughed at it.

Perfect. It is not about getting the sexual favors. It is about surprising her. Laugher is our response to the unexpected.

So now you can't use that again. You have to come up with something else witty. All light and for your entertainment on how she reacts.


Just off the top of my head:
"obviously you didn't want the vacuum cleaner THAT BAD." Insinuating she didn't get the vacuum cause you didn't get the sexual favors.

More edgy would be insinuating some other woman might be getting the vacuum....might be pushing the limits.

This type of interactions is much easier when you are single and interacting with single ladies. But at the end of the day, do what works. You made her laugh. The goal is to reduce resentment and increase attraction. Build sexual tension if you can.

[Card29]

Grief Recovery Class # 4 of 8 tonight

This week's HW was Ch. 8 of the Grief Recovery Handbook (James & Friedman). It's a very short chapter that visits the idea of Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors (STERBs). These are the activities that can be used to run from or bury the painful emotions. Some of them aren't always bad, but all of them can be over used and can stunt the recovery process. They include:

* Food
* Excessive exercise
* Drugs/alcohol
* Gambling
* Sex
* Over sleeping
* Shopping
* Keeping busy
* Isolation
* Always with friends/family
* Internet scrolling / screen time

I am definitely susceptible to at least 1/2 of these. The question I'll have for the instructor is how to know where the line is with some of the "healthy" ones like exercise, a wardrobe update, visiting with friends. I already have some ideas around it, as I have experienced some of it. I had 4 days where I hung out with a different friend group each day. When not with friends, I was either busy doing something productive, or scrolling on my phone. My intuition is that while some of these should be avoided completely during grief (alcohol, drugs, gambling), the others should at least be balanced with time of self reflection, not trying to hide from the emotions. But I'm only 1/2 way through this class. I don't have to pass the final exam just yet

[DnJ]

Good Morning Card

Grief is mostly self regulating. One’s subconscious is always processing their grief in the background. One does employ techniques to influence that process and also regain control of their conscious self, thoughts, and actions.

Any activity can be detrimental, however by and large we, as I said, self regulate. The key is moderation. Not dwelling too much, not ignoring too much, not pushing off our feelings too much. Most folks find their balance. There are necessary and healthy backslides along with the slow forward progress of more and more living as one grieves into acceptance.

Problems arise when one overdoes an action and slows or stunts their recovery. One could push themselves back into denial. The path is like you wisely said - balancing your time. Self reflection, feeling your emotions, getting out of bed, going to work, and such. Finding your balance and allowing each to speak and be heard, yet not “long term” take over your life.

For sure, there will be spans of almost singular focus. For example, depression. That particular stage can feel rather overwhelming. Anger is another focused stage, however we can more influence and sweat it out. Depression is an expression of anger turned inward, and very much more. The sweat it out technique does work with depression as well.

Interestingly, depression, well more accurately the grief process in this case, is us realigning and rebalancing our id, superego, and ego. Id, our primal and instinctive self, totally subconscious. Superego, our mortal conscience, and the do what is right part of ourselves. Ego, us, as we continually work to balance the desires of our Id and Superego.

And yes, some of those listed activities can disrupt one’s efforts much easier than other ones. All affect one’s brain chemistry, a chemistry thrown out of whack with our relationship strife. One’s recovery is regaining that healthy chemistry and balance. I agree that unprescribed mind altering drugs and/or alcohol should be avoid. Prescribed antidepressants can provide help if one needs it. Exercise, time with family, time alone, etc. Not everything work for everyone. Each person finds their path and their needs and balance. We all are missing something, some piece, searching in this process of grief.

One’s answers do come when one is calm.

D

[Card29]

It's been a minute since an update. No updates with W or the D. I've had a lot of anger towards her lately. I thought it would feel good to be mad about it, but it has not. And unlike the depression feelings, it feels like it will never go away. I've known people that were mad about past relationships for decades. I do not want to be that person. But for now, I'm angry. Things I'm mad about:

* Throwing away the marriage
* Splitting up S1's family without even trying to work on anything
* Taking 1/2 of my time with S1 away. I really, really miss the little guy when he's with her.
* W ghosting D11 (step daughter to W) after a great R with her since D11 can remember.
* At myself for not breaking up with her years ago, which I had considered
* At MIL & FIL for causing damage to W as a kid. She was the oldest of 4 siblings, was 8 years old when they went through a nasty D. From what I hear from several parties, it was MIL who made it nasty and took it to court. She got almost full custody, then started drinking. Forced W to parent her own siblings starting at 8-10 years old, and even had to parent her mom when she was drunk.

It's also really sad to think about how much joy W brought to my and D11's lives, and now I wish I'd never met her. I hope I don't feel like that forever, but right now there are just no good feelings when I think of W.

Also, I drank a lot at a concert last night and really do not feel good about it. I think I should stop drinking entirely. I don't really crave alcohol when I'm not drinking, so I don't think it would be terribly hard. My problem is once I start, especially in a setting like a concert or a sporting event, I don't have the ability to stop or slow down.

And I had to drop off S1 this morning and won't see him for a few days. It's just a crappy Monday morning all around.

[Card29]

DnJ, thank you for the wisdom. It does help to understand what I'm going through. The grief recovery class has been very educational. The real work (recovery) in the class started last week and ramps up even more this week. We are making "loss charts" for all of the big losses in our lives. It can even include things like birth of a child (you lose independence and your "old" life). So far I have 30 loss events on my chart. You also visualize the significance of each loss by the length of the line underlining the description. Bigger the loss, longer the line. It's chronological, starting from birth. So at a quick glance, you can see when the biggest losses in your life were.

I do think this is really going to help getting this on paper. And supposedly it is very emotional to vocalize it. We will be sharing the chart within small groups in our class. Looking forward to Thursday.

[Card29]

Some good news: I'm getting a couple of bonus days with S1. W offered, I happily accepted. I'll take him for a nice walk when I get home.

I had a hard session at the gym at lunch time. My arms, chest and legs are a very good sore/tired. Mood improving.

[Pattnee5]

Sounds great Card. Immerse yourself in the kids and the gym and your mood will only keep improving. Be thankful you aren’t a woman with fluctuating hormone 😂