Hi P., I think your hubby and mine would have a ball together, drinking beer, vodka, whiskey and what not and complain about us, the ones who've caused them so much pain, blah, blah, blah.
It blows my mind every day thinking about it, how they go to such great lengths to protect themselves from casting blame onto themselves for what they are going through. It is beyond sad to see it when all they have to do is take a good hard look inside.
After BD in March of this year I poured my heart out, went on about the last "episode" of MLC he had prior to this time around. I guess I thought he would actually have some common sense and remember that we've been here, done this already! Nope, the nightmare was starting all over again. Now I know that he never had truly come out of it at all. 10 years and no clue. It was like the 10 years had not happened and he disappeared back into the MLC tunnel to resume what he had started but not finished. All his recent personal setbacks are most likely to blame for this, threw him right back in there. Anyway, so during that talk we had he held my hand and said he did not want to hurt me. I was fighting the tears and said to him to please not shut me out again, we can do this together. He responded by saying that he's been feeling awful, didn't know what was wrong with him and he would have to do some "soul searching". That was the last sane thing he said to me since. I watched him fall and could not do a thing to prevent it.
He's running like the rest of our men/women going through this. Running and not looking back. That inner pain must be so horrendous, more than us LBS's could ever imagine. If they could just bring themselves to stop and think for a bit to look at this from a rational point of view. Go to therapy, really dig into themselves and emerge a new person, fight those inner demons and cast them out. But that would be too hard... too painful, too much to bear.... so they take the easy way out, blame everyone else, mainly us, and leave us in the dust, beaten down and bleeding. And they just walk on... This thing has Satan written all over it.
They are no longer serving God, it's the other guy for now.
You're right about the alcohol being their crutch, it enables them to behave badly and not feel bad about it. And it numbs the pain so they can actually feel good again, at least for a little while. It's so obvious to us, but they don't realize that they are going in circles with no way out. They need to reach rock bottom, the breaking point. I don't know if H ever will, he has so much pride. He would have to admit to himself that he has weaknesses like everyone else.
Honestly, my only hope for him is God.
He's been working on his six pack. Will not take him long to get there, he's always been a fit guy, his doctor always compliments him. You are 57 and you have the body of a 25 year old! Why doesn't that make him happy?? Last week I walked into my daughter's room and she was busy getting his ears pierced! Excuse me?! He had them pierced back in the day but they had mostly closed up. Now he has 3 studs up one ear and 2 up the other. Wow! Wonder what that young old man is going to do next....
