W said that she sees our home like a rental property and that if I can’t pay to live there I should find another place to live. She said she doesn’t live there and she never will. She said she thinks we should sell it. She told me that she doesn’t have any extra money and no health benefits left. She told me that she has lots of counseling coming up to pay for. I actively listened. I reflected back what I heard, validated the emotions he showed and told her I will consider what she has said. I excused myself saying I needed to go.
So when you were actively listening what did you hear? She doesn't want the house anymore. She is telling she has no money to contribute to the house. She is telling you that if you can't pay for it yourself you need to sell it. So now your plan is to go to her and tell her she owes x amount for the house? How do you think that is going to go over?
First you need to figure out if you can afford the house. Then you need to put a plan in place to buy her out. Then you can have your lawyer contact hers in regards to alimony and child support moving forward.
Sent W the email with my breakdown and proposal that we split 50:50 matrimonial home costs minus rental income (also split 50:50). And I requested child support and specified the amount I would be entitled to. I did not request alimony at this time.
W replied that I would also need to pay occupiers rent. And she said she definitely would not pay my utilities. She also told me she might be losing her job and then we would definitely need to sell the house.
Rock, I've gone over every post you've made since you've been here and it took a very long time. Here are things I've learned. The dates will be the date you posted it.
You were in therapy as of 09/15/22 Your wife moved out over a year ago (09/16/22) You knew your wife was having an affair (10/06/22) There isn't enough time to go over every post where you were told to stop reach out so much or communicating, yet you either ignored every poster or said you had to because of your special needs son. Yet 95% of your communication wasn't about him. Your special needs son lives in a specialized mental health facility (11/19/22) You talked to a lawyer about protecting yourself (10/27/22) Your wife has already admitted she's trying to be friends (10/29/22) Went to a lawyer and found out you don't have to pay more than 50% of mortgage since you make more (11/11/22)--BTW this contradicts some very recent posts....also said you spoke to a lawyer on (12/09/22) You were getting ready to return to work (12/09/22) Talked to a lawyer again, expected to contribute 50/50 since you are separated (12/20/22) Gearing up to go back to work (12/21/22) Finished mens health program (12/21/22) Mentioned you know wife is entitled to spousal support (01/02/23) Claimed your therapist said it was ok to do family activities with wife (02/11/23) Wife had here 3rd visit with OM and you found out after she accidentally sent pictures to you of the plane tickets (02/16/23) Went on another family get together after the tickets (02/24/23) You thought here was OM2 (02/25/23) You talked about you and your wife being a team (03/13/23) You where accused of stalking her (03/19/23) Claimed NC isn't possible (03/22/23) Claimed you wanted to talk to your wife about you wanting a divorce (03/29/23) You claimed you aren't ignore advice (04/28/23) You and your wife came into an unexpected sum of money (05/03/23) Wanted to know what to do for her on mothers day (05/07/23) Said you want to go to a lawyer to protect yourself (07/17/23) Admits wife is seeing OM for a month (07/18/23)--at least we knew why you wanted a divorce Talked to financial planner (07/19/23) Says wife wants to tell the community about you being separated, because you're kind of a big deal in the in community---which to me is very weird considering you'd been separated for about a year here. Daughter who's in college has special needs (07/25/23) Meeting with lawyer and financial adviser (07/28/23)
This does not count the amount of posts and questions you ignored. It doesn't count that you were given excellent advice by many posters that, well if you didn't agree with them they were disregarded. You asked about Christmas and were told not to go or give presents. You did it anyway and than turned around wondering what to do with mothers day.
You have been in therapy this entire time, but I can only find 1 or 2 posts that talk about what your goals in therapy have been, or how we are contradicting them.
You're still here because you haven't listened to advice, almost ever. You are stuck because we say what you don't want to hear, and your actions speak to that, I don't need to read whatever excuse you'll come up with.
In the year you've been here, I'm not sure I even saw a step forward. You sending an email about child support? How's that gonna work out when she doesn't send it? How are you gonna handle it when she says screw it and files? How does she owe you child support when for the duration of your posts, except for the last month, you made more money than her?
This right here is why I'm not even sure anymore if you are a real poster, or just what.
I'll just say this..if you have been on the level this whole time, my god I'm so sorry you'll never get this time back. As someone on the other side, it's sad to know exactly what you are missing out on.
Last edited by JosephS; 09/21/2303:50 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Yes Joseph you have that right, I have done a lot of things poorly. Primarily in therapy I worked on treatment for PTSD.
I certainly have made more money than W until very recently at which time I do not have an income. Our financial approach worked reasonably well for me up until this time - I factored in supporting her basic needs fairly (informal spousal support) - and our youngest 2 kids needs (child support).
I have been working at this stuff (DB) because I believe it. It’s also hard. And I keep coming back for the blunt honest and kind input, rebukes, 2x4s and encouragement .
It is hard, but you are still on step one, a year after coming here, and what...15 months after bomb date? You ignore tough questions that are inconvenient. Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's not worth it, and it certainly doesn't mean that gets to be the excuse for a year.
Also not 100% where you are, but get ready, because child support and spousal support isn't always based on the here and now, your earning potential can and will be taken into account.
Also your STBXW isn't....IMO...going to take to kindly to you going after her for money the moment you made less, yet I didn't ever see a mention of her coming after your money. Just food for thought. I think you are coming up to the moment we've all been preparing you for.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Interesting summary by Joseph and it explains why your W wants out Rock. You are very unstable and weak at the core. These are not attractive traits to women. I understand you are in therapy for PTSD but you may want to find a new therapist because what you are doing isn't working.
Also, what state do you live in that you are eligible for child support for children over the age of 21?
