Seeking to attune with another person’s emotional state can provide useful information about what is important to them and what their concerns might be. Author Voss says most people have two basic emotional needs: to feel secure and to feel in control.
What are their real desires?
What do they fear losing the most?
How can I show them that my preferred outcome will lead to their preferred outcome?
So help me out community. Me proposing to as that we work together on our financial responsibilities and priorities sounds to me like engaging in R talks but it’s not specifically about where our R is going but rather necessary actions. How do I stay out of the R talk realm in this?
Me proposing to as that we work together on our financial responsibilities and priorities sounds to me like engaging in R talks but it’s not specifically about where our R is going but rather necessary actions.
If you can tell me what you are trying to accomplish here I can give yo better advice.
Me proposing to as that we work together on our financial responsibilities and priorities sounds to me like engaging in R talks but it’s not specifically about where our R is going but rather necessary actions.
R talks:
What is a relationship in these contexts? Husband and wife you once were in very much more than name. Intimate relationship. Respectful relationship. Trusting relationship.
Husband and wife, a marriage, is much about partnering to accomplish more than either can do on their own. Each brings their skills and resources and soul, and the sum is more than the parts.
Having a discussion of how “we” are going to work together on “our” financial responsibilities and priorities is very much a R talk. You are trying to summate resources to make more than the individual parts. W’s financial responsibilities and priorities are not your’s to define.
Originally Posted by Rockon
How do I stay out of the R talk realm in this?
You simply stay out of it.
Leave her path to her.
Let her do the heavy lifting towards whatever end she feels she is after. And if she is dropping her portion of what should be shared financial obligations. If she is not stepping up adequately. If you need financial protection and/or security, get it.
You can only control you. Necessary actions, your necessary actions will come from you. W’s will come from her. If she, or you, are not doing your share, the courts will set forth and enforce what necessary actions and obligations each person has.
An amicable agreement is usually better than some court imposed agreement. Realize, there is no “we” in a separation agreement. You look after you and your part. W looks after her and her part. To keep R talks out of it, let your lawyer deal with her and her lawyer.
There are two paths, emotional/healing and business. This is just business, so keep it as such.
As business it’s pretty straightforward one makes $x and one makes $y, and the joint expenses are $z. Allocate accordingly, following local laws and guidelines. Lawyers are really good impartial experts one should listen to.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
That is really clear thank you DnJ. In answer to your previous question about who initiated W and I collaborating to support eldest daughter in crisis, that’s layered:
D reached out to me first. I showed up for her with my full attention and support and then looped W in about the safety concerns. D texted W later that night asking for a letter for the courts from W and I in support of D and GD’s safety. W and I collaborated on that letter and I brought it to D. Other than that, it has been me responding and showing up for D.
Boat, my goals to accomplish here are to protect myself and our family assets and make certain youngest S’s needs are looked after. Top priorities for me are to keep and look after the house (I want to prepare to buy her out in time), look after needs of youngest S’s and myself (health, nutrition exercise etc), get back to work successfully, be there for my family (I have been caring about and supporting eldest daughter and granddaughter with their immediate basic needs).
As business it’s pretty straightforward one makes $x and one makes $y, and the joint expenses are $z. Allocate accordingly, following local laws and guidelines. Lawyers are really good impartial experts one should listen to.
D
I was not legally required to pay anything until I was served. Then the x/y/z split was implemented by the lawyers.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
As business it’s pretty straightforward one makes $x and one makes $y, and the joint expenses are $z. Allocate accordingly, following local laws and guidelines. Lawyers are really good impartial experts one should listen to.
D
I was not legally required to pay anything until I was served. Then the x/y/z split was implemented by the lawyers.
Absolutely.
Rock, I'm not suggesting you and her figure this out and start paying monies. In fact, I'm a proponent for doing this through lawyers, getting it sorted and settled and signed before any enacting of remuneration.
Upon re-reading, I see that I was not very clear. Sorry for any confusion.
D
Last edited by DnJ; 09/19/2309:17 PM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
W has been calling and I have not been answering (busy and no specific reason to talk) When I picked up S from her mom’s house, she wanted to talk about our financial arrangement. I didn’t have my budget in front of me at the time, but I asked what she was wondering.
We ended up having a 5 minute talk about it (not in front of S). I explained I’m hopeful that I will be able to gradually return to work soon and that my priority is to take care of S and keep our home and take care of it. W said that she sees our home like a rental property and that if I can’t pay to live there I should find another place to live. She said she doesn’t live there and she never will. She said she thinks we should sell it. She told me that she doesn’t have any extra money and no health benefits left. She told me that she has lots of counseling coming up to pay for. I actively listened. I reflected back what I heard, validated the emotions he showed and told her I will consider what she has said. I excused myself saying I needed to go.
I have calculated what the biweekly expenses are for the matrimonial home (mortgage, insurance, taxes and utilities) which W and I jointly own and where I live with dependent S. I plan to let W know that at this time (while I have no income) I propose that we each contribute 50:50 to those above mentioned expenses. I have subtracted the rental income (there is a suite) equally from what we both need to contribute. Also I plan to ask W for child support.
Individual living expenses, and discretionary spending, savings, investments would be separate.
Here is my email draft:
I propose:
-Home expenses = calculations of above -My portion = half of above - half rental income (I will pay this however I can including using my savings and any income I get - eg I have been doing some work for friends, y parents and neighbors and have contributed that) -Your portion = same -Your child support contribution = amount L advised me based on W’s income (I won’t mention where I got this number in email) -Shared emergency fund can be tapped into (for necessary living expenses including healthcare that you mentioned) in this interim while I am progressing with my RTW process.
I welcome and value your input (I actually meant the input from this DB community but I could include it in the email).
Last edited by Rockon; 09/20/2304:03 PM. Reason: Clarity
