Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

I have had a pretty flat 24-48hrs and just thought I would jump on and vent but also acknowledge my slip up. It happens, we aren’t perfect and can’t run this MLC perfectly so hopefully others reading my journey get something out of it too.
I had been feeling a bit angry over the weekend but generally kept those emotions in check and distracted myself with other things. I think they finally boiled over a bit yesterday in my crossing paths with H. He made some silly comment about his new role overseas making him lots of “money for you and the kids and you know I have to do this”. I just didn’t even think and I just said “ you’re abandoning us because you don’t want to deal with your demons and are running away”. The moment I said abandoning his face just shut down and he started to bolt for the exit mumbling something. At that point I also just said “ I am worth it, we were worth it and once upon a time before you let yourself get so screwed up in the head, you thought so too”. He just said something along the lines of I shouldn’t be saying stuff like that to him anymore as we are over
Ok look that was definitely NOT what I should have said. I just had a moment and thought “stuff it the truth hurts” and I have been biting my tongue for months now pretending I am okay with all of this and all of his plans. He must think I am an idiot and approve of everything.
Anyway a [censored] moment of weakness. I ended up in tears for about 5-10 minutes until d14 snuck up on me. I felt so bad crying in front of her but she was amazing and just hugged me. She doesn’t know yet about the move.
Do I feel better? Not really, I hate hurting people and it achieved nothing.
I realise I feel pretty low on myself the last two days that I am not enough, and not worth the fight or effort. That how can I ever love someone again or anyone ever love me again I will be so very broken by this. That feeling of not being enough for someone or worth it. Once upon a time he would have fought like crazy for us, for me.
Anyway I just wanted to highlight sometimes we take a few steps forward and then a few backward but it’s all part of the growth.