Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

The last few days have been full for me. Lots of great things. Spent time with a different set of friends every day from Thursday until Sunday. When BD hit, I felt so lonely. I'd lost touch with lots of friends. They have all embraced me without hesitation when I've told them the news. They've been there for me, and it's felt great. I have been sure to thank them and tell them how much it means.

I'm still experiencing the feelings of loss, which of course will keep happening for a while. At least now, the different thoughts and emotions are hitting me individually, not all at once like it was the first couple of weeks. This makes it more manageable. I need to start dedicating some times in the day/week to let particular emotions hit me, to experience them a little more. All of the time with friends has been great, but I also think I've buried the emotions a little bit. I'm not worried about that being a habit, especially with the plan in the grief recovery class, but it's something I'm aware of.

My IC's advice for how to get some energy back with the kids is already working. She suggested taking them to community events so I didn't have to be the "cruise director". I found out about a family-friendly, free concert on Friday. I took S1, and even picked up D11 from xW. Took both kids to the show. A couple of friends that also have kids met me there. We all had a blast for a couple of hours. It was the best I'd felt with my kids since BD. Today, W was supposed to be at the house with a box truck again to get the rest of her stuff, so I took S1 to the zoo and thoroughly enjoyed 3 hours with him. Lots of energy, laughs, wonder and amazement. The zoo would have bored me last year, but seeing the animals through the eyes of someone who is almost 2 years old is so fun. Felt good to feel like a dad again. I've realized there was just no way I could do everything all at once. Week 1 was survival mode. Week 2, I was exercising, getting my appetite back. Week 3, I felt renewed at work and reviving friendships. And now I feel like I'm dad again. Still a long road ahead, but I do feel like I'm on the right path.

As far as contact with W, I have zero temptation to call or text unnecessarily. Definitely no R talk. I'm even waiting 12-24 hours to respond to texts, and that's only if the text warrants a response. I've left probably 2/3 of her texts without a response.

I went on a walk with S1 and a friends couple tonight. Was giving them some updates on me, D11, and the general situation. I realized that no only do I have my energy back, I have more now than I've had in probably a year. It dawned on me just how much energy I was giving to W and the M without even noticing it. W has been in crisis since at least last August. I knew she was struggling. I was worried about her, I picked up slack with S1, I worried about her R with D11. And eventually (Spring 2023) I began to worry about us. Tried to "fix" things this summer. It all really wore me out, and I think it's a big reason I burned out at work so much. While I still have a lot of grief to process with the separation and potential D, I do feel mostly detached from W. I love her and I want her to figure her issues out, heal and live a happy life (hopefully as a family, but it's out of my hands). So while I still feel for her, it is not consuming me 24/7 like it did before. I'm not saying I'm happy we're separated. My main thought is I want to use the new time and energy to set me and the kids up for the best life possible. If W wants to R someday, it will help that cause, too. And it also shows me I was really not taking care of myself during W's crisis. I was not "putting on my own oxygen mask first". I thought I had taken care of myself since I was mostly happy, but I let it drain me, and it wasn't good for anyone in the family.