back again.... looking for advice

[Jim1234]

Good Morning Jim

There is no problem starting a new thread. Thank you for letting me know you wish to start fresh as the past threads are not relevant to your present situation. Oh, and if you’d like to share your ages that would be helpful.

Has your GF of five years always been this critical and detail oriented of you and your belongs? I’m suspecting not.

You mentioned you and her are having issues. Could it be that her fastidiousness is just an expression, an outlet, a pressure relief of the more underlying issue(s)?

From what you’ve shared, your relationship does not sound irreparable. And I get that you value the relationship. By the way, interesting wording “value the relationship”. Ask yourself, do you value her? How she lights up the room? How you each bring betterment to the other’s life?

Some times we get bogged down trying to save the relationship we lose sight of the person. Relationships are built and maintained by caring about, and more importantly respecting the person. Open honest communication being a key component. Speak with her. Heart to heart. Not about these things, about her, her life, her dreams.

Now, if you can, or should, pick up your socks more - apologize and do so.

Five years and living apart. Was/is this planned? On purpose? Is this how you and/or her want your relationship to be? Are either of you now looking to move in together? I’m only looking in, and read the few paragraphs you’ve shared, yet this did strike me.

GF and I have been together for over 5 years now, and we are having issues. We live apart, but see each other almost every day. I value the relationship, but I'm not sure it can be saved.

Word choice does affect how one reenforces their world views. And one’s views affects their word choice. Present case:

We live apart, but see each other almost every day.

We live apart, and see each other almost every day.

The second statement does not place the two events at odds with each other. “And” couples the two events and more shows this is desired. “But” concatenates differing or contrasting statements, almost forcing them to coexist and play nice together.

In our word choice we both reflect and craft our world views. Perhaps there is something here for you to dig into.

D

Thanks for the insights...

we're both 58.

She has always been critical of my hygiene and cleanliness. Like I said, she's fastidious, whereas I'm "just" clean (my words, not hers). Her home is sterile, whereas mine is clean, and she can't understand why I am not overly concerned with stepping up my game. I mean, I'll shower 2-3 times a day if I'm getting dirty, but do I need to do this every day? This is probably the defining conflict of our relationship, and has been since the start. I don't know if it's a pressure relief of some sort, but I don't think so. I think it's just who she is. I'll think about it.

I don't need her to tell me to pick up my metaphorical socks; I do all that myself. But she apparently feels the need to check I actually brush my teeth before bed, as if I haven't been doing that since I was 5. That's not a metaphore, and just one example. I find it disrespectful and demeaning.

And yes, I value her. "Valuing the relationship" was a term my previous marriage counsellor used. She improves my life in many ways, and I'm happy around her, most of the time (except when she's checking whether I brushed my teeth, etc).

We planned to move in together after our kids all graduate from college... so May '24, and our plan is to put my house on the market in the spring.

As far as the word choice, I don't think it means as much as you are intimating, but I'll think about it.