Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

You are so right L4H, maybe that’s why I too can’t unleash the anger. Because those words do just hit the wall and bounce off. It’s almost like they don’t absorb it and it’s wasted effort. I don’t even feel as angry anyway anymore. I know my reality and my worth. I can see the huge volume of hurt and self loathing in his eyes. It’s all over his face. I too keep the peace and laugh and jokes and even make jokes. For me it keeps the kids seeing two happy parents ( well one happy parent and one very good faker). H keeps making comments about his body and wishing he looked like he did a few years back, keeps making comments about being fat ( mind you he is in NO way obese whatsoever, still wearing a size medium tops like always and 32 pants. He is just fixated on his body not having ripped muscles like when younger and now the six pack has flipped to a little dad belly)
The mental torment he is going through just on himself for that is ridiculous and that alone needs a lot of work. He also mentioned he’s catching up with some high school friends in a few weeks ( his only friends) who are coming to visit him. Apparently one is also “done” with his marriage and wants to leave his wife. Same age and all. I don’t know what it is with these men. They near 50 and think the world owes them another chapter. I know once upon a time he would have fought like crazy for us. Not now. I am worried about how the kids will handle the abandonment. I’ve got them into IC and all. S12 will be devastated when he is told he is obsessed with his dad. D14 will be so angry. It will affect them for years if not a lifetime.All I know is I need to be their strength and stability and show them how much they are loved and always safe with me. I really resent him for doing this and for hurting my kids and family so much. For breaking up the family unit. We were the couple everyone would say they envied and anyone I tell what’s happened , I’m literally collecting their jaws off the floor because they cannot even believe it. Some days even I don’t believe it to be honest.

Anyway I am doing really good considering. My life is going to move forward. I love my alone time and love filling my days with activities and friends. Im filling the kids lives with fun activities and trying new things. And the “divorce dog” as I now call her, is getting me out and about walking daily and cuddles at night ( H even used me getting the kids a dog last January as an excuse to separate because apparently he didn’t want it -even though he said yes)
I do feel like I am starting to really become myself again. My confidence and self worth has lifted tremendously with all the 180. So as I get stronger I watch H fall further into the hole of self hate, and it sometimes is hard to not reach out and try and help him but he’s dug his hole now. He keeps making comments how everyone hates him. He has a lot of bridges to mend one day. I do hope at some point this 17 year old man trapped in his 49 year old body wakes up and realised that he needs to stop running