Thanks in advance for making time to read this first, long post. I've long lurked on the forum and not posted but benefit tremendously from your feedback and inspiration.
4-5 years ago, my wife told me she filed for divorce. Her behavior lined up well with that of a walkaway spouse. She also has anxiety, social phobia, and (if you also read anything from Stan Tatkin) would likely be classified as being in the avoidant attachment category. Thanks to DB, a therapist, a DB coach (they were great) and a ton of hard work, we staved off divorce until the topic resurfaced this week.
My wife says she "just isn't good at relationships" and "needs to get back to being herself". Also worth noting is that 1) menopause has started 2) she's frustrated with her weight.
My mom is also an issue for my wife. They've long seen each other as competitors for my attention and love. For example, Mother's Day is a continued source of conflict for me. I've made it clear to my mom that my wife comes first. At the same time, what happens each year is that my wife waits to see what HER mother and sister want to do together, the plan is rarely finalized by Mother's Day, I'm told I can just go do something with my mom...and then later I'm still somehow wrong for following through on the offer to spend time with my mom. I've offered for several years to take my wife and our daughter away for Mother's Day and make the day exclusively about my wife. She hasn't taken me up on that offer because she seems to be trying to prioritize HER mother. Phew.
Finances have been an issue since the start of our marriage. Before we got married, we agreed to split our family expenses proportionately to our income. So, I cover 70% and she covers 30%. I make significantly more than she does so my personal account carries a hefty surplus. She's grown resentful about that surplus (I've never hid anything from her) and suggests I'd not help her if she had a financial emergency like job loss. I've told her of course I would. I've offered to revisit how we budget, and asked her to sit down with me to do so for years, and she avoids doing so for reasons that seem related to her anxiety (the stress of talking about money).
As recently as last month, she said she loves me so I feel like the recent resurfacing of divorce is a reaction to her continued anxiety (has long not gone to therapy, and takes what my therapist calls a "baby dose" of Zoloft so not enough to make much of a dent), menopause, weight/body image frustration, a major work event she plans (thanks to the social phobia, and our teen daughter who is quite busy with activities and doesn't always follow through on my wife's requests to do things like clean her room and bathroom, help with chores, etc.
We tried couples therapy. The first time, the therapist was a total dud. We both agreed she really didn't do much and just kept asking us standard therapist questions or failed to respond to our questions. The second therapist "fired" us. She told me that until my wife chose to work on herself (anxiety), couple's therapy was unlikely to be effective. Further, she told me that people with avoidance issues like my wife can be VERY difficult for therapists to get through to (because their desire to avoid taking a hard look at themselves and potentially see how strong their contributions are is so strong. Put another way, acknowledging how much they've contributed to these issues is too much for them to bear.
So...why am I here? Well, it helps to just type all this out and get it out of my head. I'm trying to follow MWD's guidance, the Gottmans, Stand Tatkin, the author of Hold Me Tight, and a great book on Loving Someone with Anxiety. Tools like Sandy's 32 rules, the boundaries checklists, etc. are super helpful. But, I'd appreciate any of YOUR feedback, suggestions, or reactions to my specific situation I'm also glad just to have a sense of community with all of you. I appreciate you and hope I can offer you all some value, motivation, and hope too.
Last edited by DnJ; 09/18/2305:11 AM. Reason: Removed counsellor’s name.
