Way Less Lost!! Pt 4

[Pattnee5]

Rock, limbo isn’t fun. Limbo is them having full control of the situation. We can put as many boundaries as we want but they still call the shots and manipulate the limbo situation to suit themselves and find their place that works. Or at least for me it was like that. H has his house his family and me just sitting there while he clicked along with life, coming and going when he wants, getting his fix of me and kids then leaving to have his space, drink, work. Then stress creeps in with work, drink increases, targets me or more recently the kids, with angry outbursts.
I just realised this reality is not what I want and not working for me.
So now he has his hissy fit, stamps his foot and declares he’s moving to the other side of the world because “he doesn’t feel comfortable around here anymore as he has no friends or family”
The mushed MLC brain really is a broken illogical mess.
I haven’t let this affect me too much. I initially felt a tad guilty that I instigated this or fuelled it along ( only for the sake of the kids )but he is responsible for his actions not me and he is the one destroying his relationship with them, with everyone, not me.
He will forever have to live with his guilt of abandoning his family. Not me. And he knows very well how hard I fought to save us, my kids can see how hard I fought ( they aren’t silly).
My emotions and my heart feel ok. I feel pretty grounded. I have so many angry words and a tirade of abuse I want to throw at him regarding what he is doing, what he has said about me, the way he twists history and words the way he tells his friend to seek mental health help becsuee hes depressed yet he won’t follow his own advice. But I know it would do nothing.it would fall on deafs ears, so I have just been journaling it instead. I really hate mid life crisis. The good thing to come out of it is many of my friends who have ridden this roller coaster with me are so aware of it now and are being very proactive with their partners in talking and keeping conversations going.

Unfortunately it’s too late for my STBXH. It really does suck. The man I knew never would have done this and would have been mortified to leave his kids. When he now says words like “ I hate my life I hate who I have become” yet his pea-sized brain decides the only solution is to run. The stubbornness astounds me. Not a single counselling session.

Anyway I am good I can’t believe how strong I am with this, I can’t believe how much resilience I have with this. I am going to raise these kids surrounded by so much love and stability. I am going to give them amazing life experiences. I don’t know if I could ever learn to let a man into my heart again, it’s pretty shocking when you think you had a good one and this happens. I think it’s very badly damaged me, but regardless it’s the furthest thing from my mind. I am only almost 42. So much has happened in the last 12 months who knows what the next few years hold.