Second roller coaster ride (part 3)

[Card29]

Old thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2947260#Post2947260

[Card29]

She is making decisions using emotions, not logic and reason...

You can use logic and reason to change the way you interact with her to change the way she feels about you.

First thing that is needed is her missing you. You fight every urge to pursue and you distance yourself. You are always the first to end interactions. You are busy and have something more important(exciting) to do. Always be on purpose.

When you are interacting, you behave more attractive than the old you she left. That is one huge onion to unpeel. Understand how to build sexual tension.

Do not let fear control you. Face and slay the dragon.

Do not be boring.

I 100% believe she is operating on emotions right now. And knowing her, she might stay there indefinitely. She’s not even talking to those people right now for fear that they’ll judge or challenge her. I wanted them to know what has really happened *in case* she ever has logic back on her side and she’s listening to them. But I’ve said it, they know, now I’m going dark with the in-laws.

I love all of the advice. I’m trying to take it to heart. I can honestly say I have zero desire to contact her outside of business topics (S1, financial/asset issues during the transition). Over used your advice for saying I need to be somewhere and she’s asked “where / with whom?”

New leather white sneakers just arrived. They fit like a glove. Also just pulled out some shirts I bought last year but couldnt fit. Lost 10 lbs this month so now they’re perfect. And I’ve been watching some mens fashion channels on youtube, getting ideas.

[Card29]

I went to a music festival yesterday. I hadn't had any "mind altering" substances since BD, but I decided to have an edible. Normally they make me relaxed and happy, but this time it was not a good time. My friend said it will typically emphasize whatever mood you're in. I guess I was subconsciously thinking of W. For a couple hours, every girl I saw looked like W, or someone else related to us, like in-laws or shared friends. I haven't been feeling the emotions of the situation lately, but after my last grief support class, I know it's coming. There's a lot of pent up sadness and anger that I will need to face. I certainly felt a lot of it last night.

No more upcoming plans to do something like that again. I'll continue to not drink when I go out with friends.

On a positive note, I saw an artist that I've wanted to see for the last 5 years. He did not disappoint, one of the best shows I've ever seen. So that music is boosting my mood today.

Also, word is finally spreading in W's extended family. I've had one of her cousins reach out, I'm sure others will. Keeping contact with them to a minimum.

[Card29]

Grief Recovery Class update

The grief recovery class is on Thursdays, but I can't attend tomorrow. Instead, I'm meeting with the instructor 1-on-1 later today. This week's reading assignment finished the myths/misunderstandings section on grief and began the recovery section. The first recovery chapter talked about "more, different, better". From your loss, what do you wish you had more of, what do you wish had been different, what do you wish could have been better? If it was a death of a parent, maybe you want one more Christmas, or maybe there was some unresolved issues that you wish you could have fixed.

For me, there is a lot in this section and I think I've only scratched the surface. I wish I had a lifetime of the feelings I had the first 6 years with W. We were so excited to see each other every day. The last year was a really terrible feeling watching her pull away. I wish we could have started counseling long before the issues started to arise. I wish she could have stayed and been happy until after S1 is out of daycare and our financial situation greatly improves. We had always talked about traveling the world together and that was doable in our future. I also wish she had remained the incredible step mom to D11 that she was up until last August. For years I could not believe how lucky I was to find someone that just stepped in and loved my daughter like that. That was one of my biggest fears after D#1.

That is just a short list of some of the unresolved issues I have with our M that I will need to work through.

I met with the instructor on Wednesday. It was great to have an hour 1-on-1 with them. It was like bonus counseling. And I also met with my IC on Wednesday. I'll give a brief update on that in a minute.

I outlined the first recovery chapter above, talking about specific unresolved issues from the R. "What do you wish you had more of?" "What do you wish you could have fixed or improved, but it's too late now?" It's very emotional to think about the specific losses. But that is the point. We need to identify and feel them. We have to experience the emotions. To help do this, we will be making long lists of all of these type of specific losses. At the end of the class, we will write a letter to the person you are losing (through death, divorce, etc) and we'll read it to the class. That will be one of the hardest things I've done, but I know I need to do it.

Counseling update
I told IC that I've come a long way in the 2 weeks since I saw her, but I was still struggling with motivation with the kids. She gave me a good tip to find community events to take them to. That way, all of the work is done by others, I just need to get them there. So less effort on my part, but still creates a great opportunity to connect with them. She gave me some examples of those events. I'm taking S1 to a free concert tonight.

The next session is in 2 weeks. I told her I feel stuck not knowing what aspects of this situation are things that I can learn from, especially about myself. I want to know some things I need to work on. I've identified some, but I know there's a lot more. We talked about diving into the R, going back to the beginning and working through it. We'll see if that's the direction the next session follows.

[Ready2Change]

Grief Recovery Class update....It's very emotional to think about the specific losses. But that is the point. We need to identify and feel them. We have to experience the emotions. To help do this, we will be making long lists of all of these type of specific losses. At the end of the class, we will write a letter to the person you are losing (through death, divorce, etc) and we'll read it to the class. That will be one of the hardest things I've done, but I know I need to do it.

Sounds like a great safe place to release your emotions. You are on the right path.

[Card29]

The last few days have been full for me. Lots of great things. Spent time with a different set of friends every day from Thursday until Sunday. When BD hit, I felt so lonely. I'd lost touch with lots of friends. They have all embraced me without hesitation when I've told them the news. They've been there for me, and it's felt great. I have been sure to thank them and tell them how much it means.

I'm still experiencing the feelings of loss, which of course will keep happening for a while. At least now, the different thoughts and emotions are hitting me individually, not all at once like it was the first couple of weeks. This makes it more manageable. I need to start dedicating some times in the day/week to let particular emotions hit me, to experience them a little more. All of the time with friends has been great, but I also think I've buried the emotions a little bit. I'm not worried about that being a habit, especially with the plan in the grief recovery class, but it's something I'm aware of.

My IC's advice for how to get some energy back with the kids is already working. She suggested taking them to community events so I didn't have to be the "cruise director". I found out about a family-friendly, free concert on Friday. I took S1, and even picked up D11 from xW. Took both kids to the show. A couple of friends that also have kids met me there. We all had a blast for a couple of hours. It was the best I'd felt with my kids since BD. Today, W was supposed to be at the house with a box truck again to get the rest of her stuff, so I took S1 to the zoo and thoroughly enjoyed 3 hours with him. Lots of energy, laughs, wonder and amazement. The zoo would have bored me last year, but seeing the animals through the eyes of someone who is almost 2 years old is so fun. Felt good to feel like a dad again. I've realized there was just no way I could do everything all at once. Week 1 was survival mode. Week 2, I was exercising, getting my appetite back. Week 3, I felt renewed at work and reviving friendships. And now I feel like I'm dad again. Still a long road ahead, but I do feel like I'm on the right path.

As far as contact with W, I have zero temptation to call or text unnecessarily. Definitely no R talk. I'm even waiting 12-24 hours to respond to texts, and that's only if the text warrants a response. I've left probably 2/3 of her texts without a response.

I went on a walk with S1 and a friends couple tonight. Was giving them some updates on me, D11, and the general situation. I realized that no only do I have my energy back, I have more now than I've had in probably a year. It dawned on me just how much energy I was giving to W and the M without even noticing it. W has been in crisis since at least last August. I knew she was struggling. I was worried about her, I picked up slack with S1, I worried about her R with D11. And eventually (Spring 2023) I began to worry about us. Tried to "fix" things this summer. It all really wore me out, and I think it's a big reason I burned out at work so much. While I still have a lot of grief to process with the separation and potential D, I do feel mostly detached from W. I love her and I want her to figure her issues out, heal and live a happy life (hopefully as a family, but it's out of my hands). So while I still feel for her, it is not consuming me 24/7 like it did before. I'm not saying I'm happy we're separated. My main thought is I want to use the new time and energy to set me and the kids up for the best life possible. If W wants to R someday, it will help that cause, too. And it also shows me I was really not taking care of myself during W's crisis. I was not "putting on my own oxygen mask first". I thought I had taken care of myself since I was mostly happy, but I let it drain me, and it wasn't good for anyone in the family.

[Card29]

One other thing that’s helped me detach even easier: A couple weeks ago, I mentioned a friend who was in a R with a clinical narcissist. 5 years together, had a kid. Luckily he figured out what was happening and had the guts to leave. He seemed to project his sitch onto mine, saying my W is a narcissist. I truly dont think she is. She was just unhappy, not manipulative. But I have spent some time reading and watching vids about. I found a youtuber who focuses on men suffering from an R with a narcissist. Some of her vide are about being the R, some about coparenting after a split, etc. Her tips for how to deal with a narcissist after a split can be copied for any DB sitch where detachment is the goal. Using stock responses, only communicating over text/email, only reaponding when necessary, taking time to respond, never reacting emotionally (taking the bait). She also talks about viewing the narcissist for what they are: someone with a mental illness. Not all WAS have mental illness, but they are mostly acting irrationally, emotionally. Thinking of them as someone who is not well does make it easier to detach, in my opinion. It has certainly helped me.

She also had a tip that might help someone in an extreme situation, maybe if someone’s WAS is being verbally abusive. Give them a nickname that you only repeat to yourself. “Cruella Deville”, or something. She even suggested viewing them as an inanimate object, like dust spec. She doesnt mean it in a cruel way. After all it’s just for you, not to share with friends, kids, etx. Something to help emotionally distance yourself, to give you your own power back.

Interesting stuff

[Card29]

Suddenly a flood of texts with W this morning. She is finally getting S1 for a significant amount of time, 1 month after BD. She'll pick him up from daycare today and have him most of the week. We started talking about the S1 schedule, and she threw out dates through November. She was asking him for all of Thanksgiving week (also his bday week), so I pushed back on that. She will likely go back to her hometown (5 hours away) whenever she has him around the holidays, so I don't want him to be gone the entire week plus his birthday. She seems ok to negotiate that week.

She also just mentioned that she was taking the vacuum cleaner, which was not what we agreed on. "It's ridiculous that you get it while you also get x y z". I said "that's what we agreed on". "Well there was a lot going on in my head when we did the walk through." I wanted to say "tough ****", but I said "I know you need a vacuum. Can you find one on FB marketplace?" I also mentioned the fact that we haven't talked about daycare payments, and she responded with "I'm waiting to hear back from L, then we can talk about daycare." So it sounds like she's moving forward with D. Not a surprise, but it's an update

[Ready2Change]

She also just mentioned that she was taking the vacuum cleaner, which was not what we agreed on. "It's ridiculous that you get it while you also get x y z". I said "that's what we agreed on". "Well there was a lot going on in my head when we did the walk through." I wanted to say "tough ****", but I said "I know you need a vacuum. Can you find one on FB marketplace?"

Crickets is better. Do not offer solutions to HER problems.

[Ready2Change]

I also mentioned the fact that we haven't talked about daycare payments, and she responded with "I'm waiting to hear back from L, then we can talk about daycare."

This is where I would be flipping the script:

H:"I would like to get this over with as quickly as possible. When do you expect an answer from your L?"